I am due to get my first vaccine today
I am due to get my first vaccine today
Do you ever feel so conflicted with your thoughts and feelings that you don't know the best way forward? Life is super stressful for many most of the time, but since Covid hit the world, for some it's affecting them more than they could possibly have imagined. I'm one of those people. The one that quietly got on with life and suppressed those unwanted feelings, not allowing them time to present themselves in my mind, but when Covid hit, life changed, I had more time to think when I would usually be keeping very busy. I feel almost trapped by these overwhelming emotions and wondering if I should stay where I am or try to take a different path. I have a beautiful son, my husband and I have been together for 10 years. There was infidelity after our son was born and I've struggled since then. When you build a life with someone you love, share a child together and a business, it's a hard pill to swallow when trust is broken and the love and safety bubble gets burst by infidelity. It hasn't happened again, but I chose to stay because he was sorry and promised it wouldn't happen again. We have been working on things, but since Covid hit and turned our lives upside down, some feelings I have had locked away are resurfacing thanks to my Anxiety and feeling a bit depressed.
I am currently on a break with my Son away from my Husband, I called him last night and brought it up with my husband last night that I may need to make some serious decisions as I am just not in a good place. He was shocked but understanding, all he wants is for me to be happy and our son to live a wonderful life. He knows how much I struggle with stress and anxiety already. I just feel it's not so simple to walk away, I also would be taking our son with me if I did leave and I don't want to hurt our son by changing the way his life is now which is loving and warm and surrounded by family with a mum and dad all under the same roof. I love my husband so much and I don't want to hurt him, I know leaving with our son would be really hard for him and of course he will always be the father of our son and a special part of our lives, but I often ask myself if love is enough if we are both not really happy or in a happy place. I've never cried so much in my life. This year has really taken its toll on me. Hopefully I can find peace and an answer within myself . I'm so blessed we share a beautiful son together. And my husband is a wonderful loving father.
Life can be so Complicated . 😟
About a month ago I started an intensive BPD DBT program at New York Presbyterian. (All virtual now of course) this program is supposed to last a year but at this point I cannot see lasting another month. It takes so much time out of my life. I miss getting to my studio as much as I want (especially since I left my home for 6 months because of Covid) I feel as depressed and suicidal as ever (maybe even more so) I intellectually know how important it is to stick with the program but I’m finding it almost impossible to go to groups for 3 or 4 hours everyday on zoom. I honestly want to die and or quit especially with everything else going on. I don’t know what to do.
Some days I feel confident in who I am in Christ, in who I am as a wife and mom, and who I am as a person. I wake up refreshed and determined, ready to tackle the day.
But let me be honest. That is NOT my daily life. A lot of days, like today, I wake up to another headache, my daughter screaming for breakfast, a list of things I wish I had done yesterday but didn’t, and the stress and anxiety of a global pandemic and political unrest beating at my brain.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it. This has been a freaking rough year. Mentally, spiritually, financially, physically, you name it. And I know I’m not the only one feeling the pressure and the fear. I know so many of us are stretched super thin, anxious and worried about what the next few months could possibly hold at this point.
Part of me just wants to run away and get away from everything. I want to pretend, to be ignorant of all the pain in the world, because at least I’d hurt less. I want to just plow forward mindlessly, like a drone.
I know the fire licking at my heels isn’t the fire of hell, though. It isn’t an attack from the enemy, but the refining fire of the Lord, shaping me and molding me into who I am meant to be. And though it hurts a LOT, though my heart and mind ache, I know that I am meant to grow and change right now. I am meant to wait on God’s timing. I am meant to hurt, not for the sake of pain, but so that the pain can reveal places in my heart and mind that still need to be healed and made whole.
Sounds rough, doesn’t it? I’m not a fan of it myself, but it’s like cleaning out a wound before you can stitch it closed— you have to get all that infection out before you seal the wound. Otherwise, your wound will be worse than before.
Job 13:15a says, “Though He slays me, yet I will trust in Him.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 says, We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.”
Sometimes being a Christ follower means walking with Him on smooth roads in the sun, but so much more often it’s experiencing the dark realities of life with Him, clinging to His side and allowing Him to whisper love and truth into the hurt.
Even in this tumultuous time, Jesus is not caught unawares. He is by our side, offering grace for each day.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
Now every time I go out, which is once a week to go grocery shopping or to pick up somethings I start feeling sick. It can be the same day or the next one. I went out on Tuesday and by Wednesday's night I had a sore throat.
I live with my grandparents so my concern is for them. How can I stop this ?? I'm tired to feel unwell when I go out. How can I know if I'm not getting really sick with covid ?
If it's anxiety playing with me, I can't deal with it anymore.#covid19anxiety
So as a mama of one precious boy (HFA) is supposed to start in school learning even though we are still very much trying to control this pandemic. For myself I do suffer from bipolar anxiety schizoaffective and asthma. Where I’m from in New York I’m fortunate enough that he does not have to go back until next month. But I would just like to see how everyone dealing with their own mental healthHow do you feel about sending kids back to school?
Everytime I close my eyes, all I can see are wells. Deep, dark wells. I can't imagine the future or visualize the past anymore. And when I can, it takes me back to happier days that seem to have happened in another lifetime, and then I feel like I'm never going to be happy again. I feel stuck and in pain, and I just want this pain to end. I feel like I don't matter, like my life makes no sense and I'm not needed. Like if I wasn't here, the world would be exactly the same, because no one depends on me for anything. When we lived abroad, I had a nice job that I loved and I was respected. I was finding my place in society and was even making plans to run my own business. And then we decided to move back home to be closer to family, but it's a much smaller town, we live a bit far, there's barely any buses and I can't drive, because I have this paralizing fear of driving, and this is like a rock weighing me down while I try to stay afloat. Not being able to drive is like a cancer eating away my insides and stopping me from doing things I should be doing. And then there's COVID-19, this thing that came out of nowhere and ruined so many people's lives. I was supposed to be looking for jobs, instead I'm stuck at home, afraid of catching it and passing it on to my parents. Plus I miss hugging people. Gosh I miss a good hug😞 My husband isn't helping, he's so immersed in his own job that he doesn't seem to see me. Like he literally doesn't see me. Right now, to top it all off, he's upset with me for something I said a week ago, and he treats me like I'm not even there. I feel ugly and lonely and stuck and in pain and I desperately need a hug. And I feel useless, like an empty shell. Can't it just end? Can I just go to sleep one day and... that's it? At least all worries would stop and it wouldn't hurt anymore. I'm sorry everyone for the dark post, but this is the only place where I feel safe to say these things without being judged. I wish I had a picture of puppies to put here, to lighten the mood, but I'm in no mood to look for one. I don't seem to have any light in me. #Depression #Anxiety #covid19anxiety #Badthoughts #ineedhelp #INeedAHug
Have you ever wondered what that lump in the throat feeling could be? Did you jump in to conclusion that it's throat cancer? Did you have this tightness in your chest and associated it with a heart attack? What about those rashes? Did you think it's skin cancer? Well me? I have! You know it really is so hard to think rationally when you're in those situation, believe me, I've been there! And none among my speculations were real! As I write this article, I am being crippled by the thought that this lump on my throat is covid19 starting to kick in my system. Well, I guess I should just see what happens in the next couple of days but guys, always remember that Anxiety mimics symptoms, our brain is a liar and this pandemic is a bitch. Keep going. Write on your journal, drink your tea, take your meds, meditate, and pray. God bless you everyone! #symptoms #anxietyshucks #covid19anxiety #mighty