Five years of trying to conceive to no avail. I’m feeling more and more inadequate each and every day. Diagnosed with pcos and endometriosis. Not only can I not give my husband a biological child but I can’t even give my son (previous domestic violence relationship) a sibling. What is wrong with me? I feel
Myself slipping into a deep dark hole of depression with no way out. #lookingforhope #willievergetpregnant #Infertility #SecondaryInfertility
Five years of trying to conceive to no avail. I’m feeling more and more inadequate each and every day. Diagnosed with pcos and endometriosis. Not only can I not give my husband a biological child but I can’t even give my son (previous domestic violence relationship) a sibling. What is wrong with me? I feel
Myself slipping into a deep dark hole of depression with no way out. #lookingforhope #willievergetpregnant #Infertility #SecondaryInfertility
There is something never talked about in the world of #Parenting #Disabled #children. Brief mentions of it in passing with doctors. Talking about it at all is taking a huge leap of faith and exposing my soul. Maybe it’s for my own good and a way to let go. Maybe it’s to help someone else feel they’re not alone in this. I don’t know. I only know I need to write what’s in my heart.
I have always loved children.
The plan was never to just have two kids. I’d never had a set number, but 2 was just not it. Fast forward a few years. I found myself heartbroken with the truth that while I ache to hold another baby in my arms it isn’t going to happen. My daughter has been lobbying for a younger sibling for years, praying every night that it will happen. My son is in a very difficult place with his #MentalHealth and I do not have the mental and #emotionalstrength to be able to deal with another child.
There is real and deep #Grief that comes with this. Tears have watered my pillow many nights. I don’t feel our family is complete. But I also know it would put me completely over the edge if I was dealing with a 3rd child on top of all I deal with now. I spent a year furious with #god that this was the position I found myself in. I have found that it is not a lack of faith or a lack of bucking up and pushing through, it’s a process of coming to know myself and God’s plan for my family, and accepting my limits. And that is hard.
Sometimes I see beautiful little babies and I ache to hold them. Sometimes the opposite hits me out of the blue and I am so jealous that the sight of that mother and baby are too hard for me to endure. Grief doesn’t make sense. It’s just grief. Sometimes, as a kind mother shared her baby, and I cuddled it, another, well-meaning person says, “Looks like it’s time for another baby for you.” My heart hurts.
Families like ours have had to deal with making a decision. For some, the risk is far too great that the next child will have the same or worse problems. For others, they are just stretched to their limits and that is as far as they can go. Whatever the reason, as I see people speaking up about #miscarriages, #rainbowbabies and #SecondaryInfertility which I have dealt with; let's recognize all the parents out there who’s plan was never to stop where they are, who would give anything to be able to cuddle a brand new life that is all their’s again. I see you. I understand. I’ll pray for you to find that elusive peace too.
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