emotionalstrength

My strength is I am empathetic and a very good listener.
#52SmallThings

As I sit and reflect on 2018 and all the highs and the multitude of lows a few things really stand out. This was a hard year plain and simple. It pushed my limits physically, emotionally and spiritually to points that I have never experienced before. It was like the year of dark paths and sudden turns with change coming at every corner. It was a year of families ruthlessly turning on each other, friendships and relationships ending and years dedicated to ministry crumbling violently around me. It was a year of overwhelming loss as I watched loved family members depart from this world and enter the gateway of another. Watching this miraculous departure the intellect tells us that its time to let go but the heart just doesn't always understand.
This was a year of isolation and fear as the black cloud of depression started to slowly cover my eyes. The stark loneliness that only severe depression can bring invaded every part of my life as I helplessly watched it happen. Like a thief it robbed me of the things I value the most such as joy, peace, contentment and passion. It can only be described as seeing the world in black and white with muted grays while everyone around you sees the bright vibrant colors and beautiful signs of life. Depression robbed me of my creativity and desire to see a new day full of possibilities. I learned that in those times your focus is to survive every hour 60 min at a time. At times the sadness of is such a burden that merely existing is an accomplishment to be celebrated.
This year also taught me to recognize who stands with you in tough times... those people are your tribe. Also take note of the people who quietly collect their things and exit your life when the waters get deep and murky. Years like 2018 will separate the wheat and the tare, the weak and the strong and the participants in life verses the bystanders. I found my tribe this year and I thank God daily for bringing these souls into my life. God knew I needed people to speak life and hope into me. These people loved me when I felt hopeless and empty with nothing at all to give back. I was reminded by these precious souls that God is truly so good.
This year taught me many things and yes they were hard lessons to learn. I will enter into 2019 with life lessons that will serve me well as I look to the future. I have learned that love can change hearts and minds so love your friends and family well. You never know when that day may be your last. Invest in relationships that give you life and make you a better version of you. Never underestimate the value of the smallest actions that can propel change in someone else's life. Take every opportunity to be the catalyst that will change the course of someone's life for the better. Always invest in those that can give nothing in return. I thoroughly believe thats where the blessings truly lie.
Through it all God was still faithful and still in control. We are blessed and I am so eternally grateful.

There is something never talked about in the world of #Parenting #Disabled #children. Brief mentions of it in passing with doctors. Talking about it at all is taking a huge leap of faith and exposing my soul. Maybe it’s for my own good and a way to let go. Maybe it’s to help someone else feel they’re not alone in this. I don’t know. I only know I need to write what’s in my heart.
I have always loved children.
The plan was never to just have two kids. I’d never had a set number, but 2 was just not it. Fast forward a few years. I found myself heartbroken with the truth that while I ache to hold another baby in my arms it isn’t going to happen. My daughter has been lobbying for a younger sibling for years, praying every night that it will happen. My son is in a very difficult place with his #MentalHealth and I do not have the mental and #emotionalstrength to be able to deal with another child.
There is real and deep #Grief that comes with this. Tears have watered my pillow many nights. I don’t feel our family is complete. But I also know it would put me completely over the edge if I was dealing with a 3rd child on top of all I deal with now. I spent a year furious with #god that this was the position I found myself in. I have found that it is not a lack of faith or a lack of bucking up and pushing through, it’s a process of coming to know myself and God’s plan for my family, and accepting my limits. And that is hard.
Sometimes I see beautiful little babies and I ache to hold them. Sometimes the opposite hits me out of the blue and I am so jealous that the sight of that mother and baby are too hard for me to endure. Grief doesn’t make sense. It’s just grief. Sometimes, as a kind mother shared her baby, and I cuddled it, another, well-meaning person says, “Looks like it’s time for another baby for you.” My heart hurts.
Families like ours have had to deal with making a decision. For some, the risk is far too great that the next child will have the same or worse problems. For others, they are just stretched to their limits and that is as far as they can go. Whatever the reason, as I see people speaking up about #miscarriages, #rainbowbabies and #SecondaryInfertility which I have dealt with; let's recognize all the parents out there who’s plan was never to stop where they are, who would give anything to be able to cuddle a brand new life that is all their’s again. I see you. I understand. I’ll pray for you to find that elusive peace too.