Join the Conversation on
22 people
0 stories
3 posts
  • Explore Our Newsletters
  • What's New in

    Just THINKING About SH So Far...

    Hi, everyone! I had been in recovery for like 20 years, and then briefly relapsed last year, once. I'm struggling again now, but so far, I've only been thinking about it. Ruminating about it is more accurate, I guess. I've experienced some new trauma recently- on my freaking BIRTHDAY, to make matters worse, and I've already been dealing with the progression of chronic illnesses, which have robbed me of my independence and many if my usual coping mechanisms, like going for a hike alone, or stopping to breathe and process at a lake during my work day. This new trauma has kind of shattered my coping foundation, and I'm starting to disassociate again, I'm having panic attacks and nightmares again, and my anxiety is getting very, very difficult to control without medication. Unfortunately,
    my chronic illnesses include drops in my heart rate, so when I've tried taking my anxiety medication, I've passed out a few times. As you can probably imagine, this only makes this whole ordeal even worse. My new trauma isn't even a thing I can really talk about with anyone in my life. I already know what everyone will say, and people who care tend to just kind of make themselves scarce when you don't do what they think you should do. I feel so alone, and so frustrated, and my pain is so huge, that I keep craving that release SH brings, even if it IS only temporary. I KNOW it's not a fix, but my heart is so shattered right now, and I don't even get relief in my sleep.

    ******Specific mention******
    The other day, I was going to light a nice-smelling candle to try to calm myself, and was kind of mesmerized by the flame of my lighter, and a new idea came up. I put my fingers to the flame to see how bad or good it would be, but then I freaked out and just put it down. It left no scarring or visible injury, but it did give me that feeling of release for a few seconds. I don't know if that counts as an episode or not.

    Anyway, I'm grateful for this community, and the ability to share with people who aren't in my regular life, but who might understand. If you have made it to the end of this, thank you so much for reading.

    #Selfharm #SelfharmRecovery #SelfHarmIdeation #NewTrauma


    Self-Harm/Suicidal Thoughts #Selfharm #Suicide

    I currently struggle with self-harm and suicidal thoughts, but I know I'm not strong enough to do it. How do people deal with this? I know I'm not strong enough to do one of them, but I'm scared still.
    #Suicide #suicidal #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #selfharmthoughts #SelfHarmIdeation