suicidal

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    mhm.

    why is everybody in my life leaving me? why am I not good enough? why am I constantly pushing these people out of my life?

    why do I get taken advantage of and lied to? what did I do? I really want to understand

    I can't be here anymore dude. #Depression #suicidal #BipolarDisorder

    Post

    Feedback/friend requested

    I have been depressed for several months. I don't know what to think about myself or my life at this point. All i can say I am not proud. Only reason i haven't killed myself is because I am afraid of taking all my guilt with me into the afterlife, being judged and rewarded for the things I have done, and am still hoping i can turn things around and live a meaningful life. Would love to receive some feedback or make a friend. Thanks. #Depression #suicidal thoughts

    Post

    Pictures needed - tell me what you see...

    #Anxiety #Selfharm #suicidal #done #Depression #Cutting #Dope #Drugs #pivitolpictures #Rage #MentalHealth #coping

    I think we see pictures in our minds that make us accept where we are at and make it so that we do not do further damage.The Mentally Healthy are different, they keep their head up in bad seas and position themselves for the the waves to come. They foresee when a life event is shaping up to be something that can negatively impact their world. Then they use their intuition and lessons from a lifetime of lessons from infancy and personal experience to guard and protect their minds.

    We don't do that. The situation hits us and we don't know what to do. So flight fight kicks in and here we go on a ride that won't end well.

    We drop our heads and look at our feet and react from that defeated place. Eventually we calm down and move on, but I don't want it to last so long. I don't like losing my mind over something I have no control over.

    I for one, don't have a picture of how I can be both in bad seas and have my head up planning a way out, so I am reaching out.

    I know that a lot of us practice self harm to cope. At some point there is a picture that you are able to accept that lets you accept your lot in this life, mutilated body parts actively bleeding and all. Thats real life for some of us and I think there is a picture that comes up at the end of an episode that lets them move on.

    You don't have to be as messed up as we are to weigh in. If you get it, show us the way of early catastrophe management.

    I don't think that this turning point picture I am imagining makes one happy or anything like that, but it's a picture that is enough that we don't make things worse.

    If I don't have a picture then I feel very exposed, unprotected, weak, and hide all that behind explosive anger. Righteous, but unbound. I regret my last episode. It was pure RAGE and while it was justified, it was not smart & I hate that feeling. Life got me, I just flew off the handle. Smart people don't do that. Mentally healthy people react in a way that suits the situation without making things worse. I want that and, as of today, I think it starts with the picture.

    I want options. In this last event I saw what i have seen for years, a blank canvas. I am scared and don't know where to go with that so I came out swinging. Well, life swings back and I am not the best fighter if I am being totally honest. So here I type, literally searching the minds of the web for insight to create this picture my mind is seemingly incapable of making to date.

    You can not show this shit to FaceBook - So here I am asking my fellow MENTAL HEALTH patients for a word picture or an image of what you see when you are in a bad way and your mind finally comes through for you.

    Thanks.

    PS - I would love if it if you read this and did not know what picture helped you transition from the bad space to the next level up. It's there for at least some of us so share your story of you have to go back there and figure it out. Even if it takes weeks it's worth the journey.

    Post

    Shine on you crazy diamond.....

    Pink Floyd's name for their fans
    #Crazy #depressed #lonely #suicidal #Dysthymia #Anxiety #PTSD #chronic pain# Spondylitis #Undiagnosed immune system disorder

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    I'm tired of surviving #suicidal

    All these years and nothing really changes except the scenery. I'm exhausted. I'm alone. I have a new illness that doctors can't seem to diagnose but it has made it so I can't eat without being sick. I was managing until this started but after 3 months and no answers the depression is worse than its been in years. I'm not seeing the point in life anymore. I have no one. Life is simply surviving/existing and has been that way for most of my life. People say to hang on because it will get better. Will it? It has never been anything but pain and loneliness. I try so hard to find a reason to stay but I'm all out of fight. I find myself thinking a lot about the peace that can come with death. I love that idea. Peace would be so welcome. No more pain. No more fear. #Suicide #CPTSD #nomorehope

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    Voice

    One thing my #CPTSD and depression have taken away from me is my voice. In the past if I spoke up I was belittled or abused. My therapist is working with me to speak out without fear of being hurt. I believe I am in a safe place with him, however I am still trying to find my voice. I have not gotten angry at those who have hurt me yet either. I hide behind my fear. Please help.
    #CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #suicidal

    Post

    Suicidal Depression #suicidal thoughts #Depression

    In the past week, I have been dealing with an extremely dark depression. Last Friday evening, I tried to overdose. I was so methodical about what I was doing. I took an assortment of medicines. I felt no emotion while taking the pills. I was not afraid of what the outcome would be. I woke up late Saturday morning, and I thought to myself, “What a failure I am…I can’t even end my life”. I was miserable with shame, guilt and anger. I was hungover from all the medicine Saturday and Sunday. I have talked to my therapist about this, but I don’t feel much better about it. Any helpful ideas are appreciated.

    Post

    Frustrated

    I am going to be without a therapist again... Community Mental Health care at it's finest. This the this time since 2019. So over it.
    #ChronicDepression #Fibromyalgia #suicidal Ideation #sjogrens #ChronicEpsteinBarrVirus

    Post

    Depression post, trauma, and trying to get better

    Today I’m trying to take ahold of what I can control in my life. Even though I struggle with severe #Depression and #Anxiety I try and do what I can to make my life as #normal as possible. Some days aren’t always so bad and I can function okay and pretty normally despite having #suicidal thoughts. Other times I have to remind myself it’s the little #victories are a huge win. Doing a load of laundry. Splashing my face with cold water and putting on deodorant and some perfume as just getting ready for the day. I’m just trying to take it one step at a time.

    I was in some pretty bad and abusive relationships. #Drug use, #Alcohol , #DomesticViolence . My last relationship I stayed with him for so long because I felt like I was damaged goods. He gave me #herpes and I felt like my life was over. I was no longer able to be “normal”, date normally ever again. I was as good as rotten fruit, even though I only had 3 boyfriends my whole life and never had any one night stands. So I stayed, even through the manipulation, the lies, the constant verbal, emotional, and physical abuse that I was receiving daily. Why did I deserve better? Why would anyone, think anything of me besides just being damaged and just bad baggage? I didn’t deserve it, hell I was such a disappointment to myself let alone I’m sure being a disappointment to my family. I was so exhausted, so depressed, so I stayed and ignored the very obvious red flags. He even had a previous domestic charge on him from a prior relationship. He even told me in such a rage later on that he did punch her when he swore up and down he didn’t. He would constantly yell at me on my lunch breaks that I was cheating on him with my coworkers. One time when I didn’t text him back within two minutes, I was the bad guy. Getting called every name in the book, because I deserved it. He would constantly kick me, choke me, punch me in the face, spit on me, throw water on me, pull my hair, grab me so I wasn’t able to leave. Grab my phone and keys so I couldn’t call or leave on my own free will. He used to do MMA for 10+ years. One time he kicked me in my leg so hard I couldn’t walk normally for a week. He’s broken my ankle, causing me to be in crutches. Chocked me so hard the blood vessels in my eye burst. I always had bruises on my body. Yet I stayed. I wanted to die.

    I never told anyone anything until I got into therapy just a few months ago. It wasn’t until my ex screamed at me for hours about how he was going to kill me, bash my head into various objects. I finally grabbed the valuables I had, my dog, and I left when he was at work.

    So now I’m in a safe place, away from him. I cut off all communication. Deleted his photos and am donating or throwing out anything we shared together. However I’m stuck with these feelings of #Guilt , #Shame and #anger . I wish I wasn’t scarred from all this but I am. I wish I could date again normally but idk that’s going to take a lot of time. I want to tell him nasty things he told me to get back at him. I’m upset at myself for not leaving when I so should have. I’m trying to deal with these emotions and trauma. So anyways I’m just sitting here folding my laundry and cleaning out my closet because so far that’s what I have control over. I’m still incredibly suicidal because I feel like I can’t be normal or date normally so the future is scary. I feel better finally and I’m glad I left. I’m just now trying to get out of this flight of fight stage, trying to better myself and maybe someday in the future someone will understand. Until then I have my loving mom my dog and my lizard. Onto my next load of laundry.
    #relationship

    Post

    Far too long...

    I've been dealing with depression, anorexia, suicidal ideation, etc, for over 25 years now. The majority of my life has been spent in hospitals, institutions, and treatment centers. I've been doing ok for a little while, at least that's what everyone sees. I've been able to just numb out everything so I could be "normal" but it's getting harder. I feel I can't tell anyone and just let it happen. I'm sorry, Idk if this makes any sense. I just need it out of my head for a minute, relieve some pressure before I explode. 😢
    #AnorexiaNervosa #Depression #suicidal