suicidal

#ADHD Diagnosed as a Child at age 6. I was exhibiting angry outburst, and intense frustrations, and my thought processes were very erratic. I was placed on Ritalin. It does help slow the swirling Kaleidoscope of random and broken thoughts and ideas. I was diagnosed with it again, recently as an Adult... #CPTSD My Sister and I are survivors of Physical, Emotional and Sexual Abuse all of which occurred before age 5... continued until I was 11 and figured out that I did not have to allow myself to be in one on one situations with the "Uncle" that had been raping me... At 13, I was allowed to move in with my Aunt Cathy, who was my best friend, growing up... and got me away from my Step-Father who beat my Sister and I regularly, as well as the verbal abuse and telling us that we were useless and good for nothing... We had these thoughts beaten into us, and sadly grew up to be adults with low to no self-esteem... #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder I still do not completely understand this one, and it is a recent diagnosis, but when reading about the behavior patterns, it begins to make sense... I know I am not deserving of the Love and Compassion I am seeking and self-sabotage my relationships, even though I fear being alone... Yes, I know... I am a walking contradiction... #suicidal I am actually a two time Survivor. I did not make half assed attempts. My first time was an Overdose and someone found me choking on my own vomit, and took me to the Hospital I think I was 17. Second time, in my late 20s, I stepped in front of a car, and was thrown over the hood like a ragdoll and ended up with a bad limp for years, that still is visible. While I no longer have any plans to hurt myself. I still have the feelings of being a horrible burden on others and believe they would be better off without me in the picture... So the Thought Process is still inside me... I just CHOOSE to NOT act on the Feelings...

OK I shared all of that, to say this... Decades of Talk Therapy and Medications have done NOTHING to improve my Quality of Life. I still have a deeply negative self-image, low to no self-worth. When provoked, or just feeling intimidated, I go into #oppositionaldefiance and very #narcissistic behavior patterns...

I have learning disorders like #Dyslexia , but I have learned to use Audiobooks and Podcasts to try and teach myself modes of Psychology, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, but I have not had a Psychologist or Therapist to GUIDE me through ways to Utilize these things effectively...

My Family makes comments like "You are an ADULT and should KNOW better!" "You are a Grown Man, you need to start ACTING like one!" "You cannot keep blaming your Parents, for your Bad Behavior. You are an ADULT and Responsible for yourself!" FOR THE RECORD, these are very hurtful and demeaning comments that only make me feel WORSE about myself after experiencing a Meltdown...

CAN I FIND PEACE & RECOVERY from these Behavior Patterns??? Talking and Medication doesn't seem to be helping... I am now looking into Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Ketamine Inhalant Treatments have also been suggested... I am reticent to try these. But, at this point, I am starting to want to give in... Only because NOTHING else has seemed to help... and I am tired of being the way I am... My knee-jerk reactions to Negative Stimulation, (or what I perceive as attacking), I shut down and become angry and aggressive and retaliatory... I am doing everything I know how to do and I am STILL battling the same stuff I have been dealing with since I was 4... Now I am 59 and still feel Hopeless and Helpless...

I suffer from PTSD and I am having the problem of only being able to remember the traumatic events in my life. I have no recollection of any positive memories or events. I was wondering if any other person has this issue and what they have done or if they have gotten their memories back?
#Majorepressive disorder
#PTSD
#Anxiety
#suicidal ideation

They'd put me on suicide watch if I had anyone who cared. Anyone who knew. I have five more months to live. Why worry about anything anymore? Cancel your appointments, stop paying for the pills, the tests, biopsies, and scans. Put a worldwide trip on credit cards, max them out, and leave no crumbs. After ten years, I've had it. I'm done. So, last year, I gave myself a "dead" line: one year for my life to improve. Either things would get better or they would not. In 143 days I will be dead and gone. So, I might as well make the most of it, eh? There's nothing left for me here. #ChronicIllness #suicidal #ineverbelongedhereanyway #ineverbelongedhereanyway

I'm losing hope as I age, I even receive backlash from my local doctors saying 'we're too sensitive to live and need to toughen up', my mentor and dean of the faculty said to my parents face and to me, the same day i just got discharged from psych ward that 'depression doesn't exist', my supposedly ex best friend claimed that I made it all up and worse my counsellor who I thought i could count on questioning y he's not depressed despite living in a broken home as me??? Like tf am I supposed to believe in now? I even start to gaslighting myself on slight inconvenience, it's like a vicious cycle

Living with Life-Long Suicidal Depression since at least 4-years-old (mid 1970s); and Migraine Headaches that have been regular (at least 1 to 2 times a week [more weeks now are turning in to at least 2 days] since the mid 1990s) and many other health problems that are on and off weekly or monthly; Extra Debt that I was pressed in to; which can cause me to lose the house, SSDI so it is hard to earn extra money to get out of Debt; and with Life-Long Suicidal Depression, in addition to the Major Pains, I really have been desiring more to be able to go Home to be with my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

I would greatly appreciate any feed back.

#MentalHealth #Migraines #Depresion #SuicidalIdeation #Debt #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #BPD #Bipolar1 #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #BipolarDepression #BipolarIDisorder #BipolarDisorder #BipolarI #BipolarType1 #CheerMeOn #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDisorders #MigraineHeadaches #AutismSpectrumDisorder #AutismSpectrum #Autistic #SeparationAnxietyDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #IllnessAnxietyDisorder #SeparationAnxiety #AnxietyAttack #AdrenalInsufficiency #AnkylosingSpondylitis #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #DistractMe #Selfharm #PanicDisorder #PanicAttack #PanicAttacks #worry #highfunctioningautism #AttentionDeficitHyperactivityDisorder #DiabetesType2 #DiabetesII #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #IfYouFeelHopeless #suicidal

I am at the end of my rope. I can not continue to live with my depression and trauma. I am feeling extremely hopeless...I have no hope. I was just wondering if any of you have found hope if you felt hopeless and if so how. Suicide is my only option.
#Majorepressive disorder, #CPTSD , #Anxiety , #suicidal , #Crohns , #diabetic ,#dependent personality disorder

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I am in a very dark place and I do not see any hope... I feel so alone even with someone right next to me. I'm tired of what my depression was doing to me and to those around me. I feel so guilty about what it's doing to my husband, I am thinking about leaving him just so he could live in his life and not be burdened with me. I feel like suicide is my only escape. I feel so hopeless. #major depression disorder #CPTSD #Anxiety #suicidal ideation

I am struggling with flashbacks and nightmares. I need some grounding techniques to help me. Please let me know what techniques work for you. #major depressive disorder #c PTSD #Anxiety #suicidal ideation

I am here wide awake for the 7th night in a row. I'm exhausted mentally and physically. I see no future and everything seems so hopeless. I don't want to wake up in the morning. #major depressive disorder #CPSD #Anxiety #suicidal