Sexual Dysfunction

#SexualDysfunction so 3 years ago I was raped. Right after I developed sexual repulsion. I mean thinking about sex, talking about sex, reading about it too. I used to be hypersexual. I'm a gay trans man in the leather community, sex is the topic of the day every day in my community. Now I'm diagnosed with sexual aversion disorder. I'm 39 and get nauseous when sex is brought up in any capacity.
Except for one person, my ex girlfriend. I can talk about it till I turn blue in the face it seems. We had a very good sexual relationship 4 years ago and honestly she's the only person I'd feel safe with in that regard. She doesn't judge me or make me feel stupid for how my brain is handling sex. I think I might be falling back in love with her and that's not a good idea cuz she decided she's a lesbian now.
So I guess this is my life now, right? Hopeless and broken.

Sorry this is kind of long but I need to get this off my chest. #rant

Mental Illness is definitely a full time job. I do what I'm supposed to (take my medication and attend therapy) but sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. Some days my mental illnesses get the best of me.

My #BipolarDisorder was a diagnosis that was hard for me to accept. Up until then, I had never seen a mental health professional. I guess that's because others didn't see anything as wrong.

Struggling to keep my moods stable is hard enough without the emotional instability of #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder . Honestly, sometimes I hate being so emotionally unstable. My BPD has made me very sensitive to criticism and harsh truths. Even if I need to hear them.

I also have #PTSD from being sexually abused for a long time. I hate the memories and flashbacks that come with it. I hate the sexual dysfunction that is occurring and how it's impacting my love life. I just want to be free of all this sometimes. Especially the #PTSD . It angers me to think that I developed that because of how someone chose to treat me.

I can't stand myself sometimes. Some days I just want to hide from the world. I suppose part of me not liking myself comes from the abuse but the emotional instability only makes things worse. The fact that I have survived so much (abuse, abandonment, self-harm and a suicide attempt) should make me feel good about myself, but it doesn't. Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for reading.