sufferedinsilence

As an HSP I have to limit how much news I watch. I actually do not actively watch the news. I go to YouTube or websites of local news channels to stay somewhat informed of what’s happening.

I have done this for years as I became aware of how much it negatively impacted my mood. This was even before starting to learn about what it meant to have the HSP survival trait.

The video taken by a customer at restaurant trying to stop the owners of that restaurant in physically trying to kick out another customer with a service dog. This is 2021 the ignorance and aggression in their tone of voice, the words they were spewing and the physical actions by the owners of this restaurant was disgusting.

I definitely got triggered just watching the interaction. I feel sadness, hurt, frustration, anger. That is me just watching someone else’s painful interaction. I feel powerless, disgust……who knows what other emotions in which I’m unable to identify and articulate.

Overall it maybe the fact that I connect with how my mental health issues and struggles are not understood by my family and several friends. If I get triggered by their words or actions I’ve been conditioned to keep my upset to myself. So I guess this was just disturbing because ai felt so bad for what was happening to this man. That he did not deserve to be treated so badly. Then the other parts that triggered me where I’m enmeshed feeling like it was happening to me. I’m not always aware of what shift my mood. This time I’m so consciously aware how this just magnified my personal feelings of how I have been treated because of my mental health. Add the extra layer of being HSP and much deeper we see and feel things is really challenging right now.

#Depression #CPTSD #emotionallyoverwhelmed #recoveringadultchild #sufferedinsilence #Fear #Grief #adultchildofdysfunction

This is another layer of shame I have been buried under from the beginning of my existence. Step one, I am at least more conscientiously aware. I am waking up

I have only had a very intangible and vague sense that “I am shame”. Only now am I starting to identify why I was made to “feel” shame of no fault of my own. I need to unburden myself from shame. It does not not need to define me. There is not anything fundamentally wrong with me. The distorted belief I have been holding for so long.

I internalized the mixed up, confusing unhealthy emotions my parents infused me with from my first breath. It does not matter they did not intentionally or maliciously intend to the result is just as devastating. At least I can start to heal. It’s not easy even with this new awareness but for me knowledge is power.
#conqueryourmind