Latest
On August 15th, 2015, I tried to commit suicide. I had delusions and began hearing powerful voices in my head. The person who I was prior to that, the girl who had it all together according to her Instagram page and fake smile was hospitalized in a completely and unknown state than from where I lived. During the summer of 2015 I was staying with a friend but somehow I ended up in Chicago, Illinois on one of my manic episodes. I didn’t think I would make it past that hospitalization but they make it so hard for you to harm yourself when you’re impatient, let alone in a state psychiatric hospital. That, of course, didn’t stop me from getting creative and trying to find ways to put myself out of my misery.
I spent so many weeks at the hospital during my initial hospitalization that I thought I would never get out. So when I finally did, it was confusing to me why I had to go back to a world I didn’t even know anymore. I missed the comfort of being around people who were “sick” just like me. I felt as though I had gained a family and the medical staff were great supporters.
That first hospitalization became the foundation for the years to come. I was in and out of the psychiatric unit of the hospital over twenty times. I am traumatized from 90% of those hospitalizations. I wasn’t treated like a human being should have been and I had no one who could advocate for me.
I turned twenty-five earlier this month and five years ago I would have told you that you were out of your mind if you thought I would ever make it to this age. Last night I felt so fragile that I took two extra pills to calm myself down. That is something I’ve been avoiding to take because I don’t like how the pills make me feel when I wake up, but they put me to sleep and I didn’t have to relive the memories that were taunting me.
I allowed myself to cry on the phone with my boyfriend. I am in a fairly new relationship but we have been friends for almost nine months now so I feel somewhat comfortable being vulnerable around him.
Suicide is not the answer and for the most part, I know this. But at the time, it was the only way for me to stop feeling the pain. I have never called the suicide hotline myself but the number will be provided beneath for anyone who may need it. 💚🤍
+1800-273-8255 💚💚💚 #SuicideAwareness
#SuicideSurvivors #SuicideAttempt #suicidehotline #InvoluntaryHospitalization #Anniversary
