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Today would have been my anniversary with my ex-wife. 9 years together, 3 married.

It was a year ago last week that she told me there was someone else. Then she took it back and we tried to make it work for 7 months- the entire time she was cheating on me.

About 2 days before I came out to Utah for treatment, we called it quits for good. I couldn’t ignore the multiple forms of proof she was cheating, and we just were miserable.

I came out here in April and pretended she never existed. I ran from my problems. ​
But problems always catch up with us, don’t they? ​

A couple weeks ago, I started feeling really depressed. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t get out of bed. Then it hit me that the anniversary was coming up.​

I talked to some people today and cried. Really cried. I let myself feel the pain. It’s sucked so much, but it’s necessary for healing.

I asked my therapist to sign the papers for me to leave AMA (against medical advice). She told me I could sign them and leave, but she’d have to call the cops because she knew my level of intent to kill myself was so high. ​I told her they would’ve find me in time. She said she’d call them to pick me up right then and there. She knows how much I hate psych wards.

I told her I’m just so tired of being in so much pain without reprieve, lately. And I have no idea how much longer it’d last. Everyone keeps telling me it takes time, and it’s getting harder and harder to hold on. ​

I asked if she was frustrated with me and she said, not exactly. She said she doesn’t know how to help me.​ She said her heart hurts for me. She cried.

I told her that when therapists and other professionals had gotten to this point, had said they didn’t know how to help, that’s when they leave.​

She told me I’m projecting previous therapists’ and others’ actions onto her and it isn’t fair. ​

She says things sometimes that hurt to hear, but definitely affect me. I need to hear them. ​

#Therapy #si #SuicidalIdeation #Anniversary #Relationships #Divorce #Affair #cheating #feelings

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I am dragging myself #Anniversary #ChildLoss Today is when my son left and never came back. He was found the next day. They said He took his own life. It still hurts. I have a million endless reasons to be happy yet there’s still something missing. I lift that hole to you #god . I will hold on to the gift of faith You have given me and what’s left of me. There’s still so many things to be grateful for and to smile about. I will focus on that. I miss my son. #AlanPats


How can I honor my angel baby for his 1st birthday?

I lost my son Ari in January 2020 and his first birthday would have been on June 7th of this year, so in a few days. I'm fairly young so I didn't get much support during my pregnancy and the loss of Ari didn't mean as much to those around me as it did and still does to me. Any ideas on how I can remember or honor him on that day and others as well?


#ChildLoss #Anniversary #Stillbirth


One year with The Mighty #ThankYou

I joined The Mighty a little over a year ago and made my first post on New Year's Eve. I can't even imagine what this year would have been like for me without all you wonderful people and knowing that I had a safe haven here where I could be open about what I was experiencing. I have tears in my eyes as I am typing this because I am just so grateful. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

#ThankYou #Anniversary #MightyTogether #Support #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #SafeSpace

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Hello my #MightyTogether followers! Exactly one year ago today I officially became a #MightyCommunityLeader at #TheMighty I am honored to continue in this role and so excited to continue learning and growing with you all!! #CheckInWithMe #CheerMeOn #Anniversary #PTSD #Depression #Anxiety #Recovery


Anniversary of Suicide Attempt and Hospitalization

This week last year, I was in the hospital for attempting suicide. This year, I’m not:) I am very proud of myself. I feel that I am moving towards healing. What are you celebrating today? What are you proud of? #Anniversary #Proudofmyself #CelebrateLife

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On August 15th, 2015, I tried to commit suicide. I had delusions and began hearing powerful voices in my head. The person who I was prior to that, the girl who had it all together according to her Instagram page and fake smile was hospitalized in a completely and unknown state than from where I lived. During the summer of 2015 I was staying with a friend but somehow I ended up in Chicago, Illinois on one of my manic episodes. I didn’t think I would make it past that hospitalization but they make it so hard for you to harm yourself when you’re impatient, let alone in a state psychiatric hospital. That, of course, didn’t stop me from getting creative and trying to find ways to put myself out of my misery.

I spent so many weeks at the hospital during my initial hospitalization that I thought I would never get out. So when I finally did, it was confusing to me why I had to go back to a world I didn’t even know anymore. I missed the comfort of being around people who were “sick” just like me. I felt as though I had gained a family and the medical staff were great supporters.

That first hospitalization became the foundation for the years to come. I was in and out of the psychiatric unit of the hospital over twenty times. I am traumatized from 90% of those hospitalizations. I wasn’t treated like a human being should have been and I had no one who could advocate for me.

I turned twenty-five earlier this month and five years ago I would have told you that you were out of your mind if you thought I would ever make it to this age. Last night I felt so fragile that I took two extra pills to calm myself down. That is something I’ve been avoiding to take because I don’t like how the pills make me feel when I wake up, but they put me to sleep and I didn’t have to relive the memories that were taunting me.

I allowed myself to cry on the phone with my boyfriend. I am in a fairly new relationship but we have been friends for almost nine months now so I feel somewhat comfortable being vulnerable around him.

Suicide is not the answer and for the most part, I know this. But at the time, it was the only way for me to stop feeling the pain. I have never called the suicide hotline myself but the number will be provided beneath for anyone who may need it. 💚🤍

+1800-273-8255 💚💚💚 #SuicideAwareness
#SuicideSurvivors #SuicideAttempt #suicidehotline #InvoluntaryHospitalization #Anniversary

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Pity party #Depression #COVID19 #Anniversary

I am depressed. Tomorrow is our 40th anniversary and we have this stupid pandemic. We would normally go out for a nice dinner, have a drink or two, maybe go to a play or a comedy show, and have fun. Or go to the beach, swim and relax.

But NOOOOOOO. It’s going to be in the upper 90s tomorrow, both of us are in the “age risk” category for covid and I have medical issues, so we are averse to going to the few open restaurants, plays have all stopped. Even if we were to get take put, we live in a semirural area, far from the better non-pub restaurants and it would be cold by the time we got it home. No grubhub, doordash, whatever. Only delivery is pizza, tired of that.

My family is gone, his is in California and they really aren’t close (I tried to fix that, but being in PA makes it hard). One daughter is 6 hours away, the other is closer, but no visitors allowed because of covid fear (low income/senior building). The older one suggested a drive in movie!!! Fabulous idea EXCEPT of the 2 in our area, the movies suck and again high 90s. We usually don’t buy each other presents (don’t need much stuff, when we want something, we just get it) and other life stressors got in the way.

I am making his favorite meal (meatloaf, lol). We will have some ice wine after dinner as a treat. But, I don’t think anyone will remember or wish us well. Not only do I feel invisible usually, now I feel downright erased!


1st wedding anniversary

Me and my husband are celebrating our first wedding anniversary today 🎉
Unfortunately the restaurant we was going to cancelled 😭 but we managed to rebook a table somewhere else for tonight 🥳🥳 #CheerMeOn #First #Anniversary #happy