Today would have been my anniversary with my ex-wife. 9 years together, 3 married.
It was a year ago last week that she told me there was someone else. Then she took it back and we tried to make it work for 7 months- the entire time she was cheating on me.
About 2 days before I came out to Utah for treatment, we called it quits for good. I couldn’t ignore the multiple forms of proof she was cheating, and we just were miserable.
I came out here in April and pretended she never existed. I ran from my problems.
But problems always catch up with us, don’t they?
A couple weeks ago, I started feeling really depressed. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t get out of bed. Then it hit me that the anniversary was coming up.
I talked to some people today and cried. Really cried. I let myself feel the pain. It’s sucked so much, but it’s necessary for healing.
I asked my therapist to sign the papers for me to leave AMA (against medical advice). She told me I could sign them and leave, but she’d have to call the cops because she knew my level of intent to kill myself was so high. I told her they would’ve find me in time. She said she’d call them to pick me up right then and there. She knows how much I hate psych wards.
I told her I’m just so tired of being in so much pain without reprieve, lately. And I have no idea how much longer it’d last. Everyone keeps telling me it takes time, and it’s getting harder and harder to hold on.
I asked if she was frustrated with me and she said, not exactly. She said she doesn’t know how to help me. She said her heart hurts for me. She cried.
I told her that when therapists and other professionals had gotten to this point, had said they didn’t know how to help, that’s when they leave.
She told me I’m projecting previous therapists’ and others’ actions onto her and it isn’t fair.
She says things sometimes that hurt to hear, but definitely affect me. I need to hear them.