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New Me?? *trigger warning*

I'm feeling a little down today. Nothing like usual, just a little off. Sometimes this happens before the shit hits the fan, so I'm anxiously anticipating that. I feel like I live in a pinball machine, bouncing off the walls and bumpers and glass, however, today I'm just slipping along the sides and avoiding all of the obstacles. It's not a very good analogy, but it makes the most sense to me. I am asking myself if this is 'regular' or 'level' ... I can't remember the last time I felt this way.

I started a new medication (both new to me, my p-doc, and to the market) about six weeks ago.The new med belongs to a group of drugs called an atypical antipsychotic that also has an antidepressant effect. For the first time in over 40 years, I haven't had suicidal ideation every single day! It took me a couple days to realize I hadn't thought about it and it really threw me off. You have to realize that that line of thinking has been my life. Every. Single. Day. It has always been my go-to; the only thing that I felt I had control over. My p-doc is astounded at how I've turned around. He decided to wean me off of the antidepressant I was currently on. I've noticed that I'm a little more snappy; my patience level has changed, though, for the better. I think I'm being shown that I can deal with my illness, and that it's time for me to put in a little mindfulness and being more conscious of my mood, and the ways I choose to deal with those feelings.

To put it in nutshell, I'm terrified that this is only going to be a quick fix, that it won't work, or that it will work but there's a HUGE crash coming. I'm just really afraid. I'm trying hard to stick to today and not give thought to tomorrow, but I can't just flip the switch that's been on for so long.

I really hope we're onto something here. It has been nice not to spend so much time thinking about and planning my demise.

Thank you for always listening. It's nice to have this community's support, understanding and sometimes a well-placed foot to the butt.

#Abuse #Addiction #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ChildhoodAbuse #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #Depression #EmotionalAbuse #Hypomania #MentalHealth #MightyPets #neglect #OurSideOfSuicide #PTSD #Relationships #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #Suicidethoughts #Survivor #Trauma @dannygautamawellness

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Sweet Sinead

So sad that Sinead O'Connor died due to mental health issues. Some will call it 'committing' suicide, that she completed a selfish act, and who knows what else. Sinead died by suicide, her last moment in a tragic life filled with trauma, pain, devastation, grief, and instability. Let us not focus on her means of death, rather the mental health demons that ate away at her and caused her demise. Many of us deal with the same issues she did, and many are a tiny step away from her death. Listen when someone says they're not feeling right, give a call or text when a friend has been off the radar for a while. We can all help people who are suffering. Any words or actions you choose can help someone get past that moment of just not wanting to be here. Be patient, compassionate and caring. Be kind. ❤

#Abuse #Addiction #Anxiety #Bipolar2 #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ChildhoodAbuse #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Depression #EmotionalAbuse #Hypomania #MentalHealth #MightyPets #neglect #OurSideOfSuicide #PTSD #Relationships #SubstanceRelatedDisorders #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicideSurvivors #Suicidethoughts #Survivor #Trauma

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Control (Trigger Warning)

Sometimes I feel that suicide is the only thing I have control over. It is the one thing that only I can decide, plan, overthink, contemplate, and choose yes or no. I think of it daily. I've got all my plans in place so my family won't have to do anything. I have tried 5 times in the past. The last time should have worked, but I was sold the wrong product. I was so f'in mad that I was still here. My husband drove me to the hospital and they did nothing, which is the norm. I have two plans of action this time - no, I'm not actively suicidal right now. One could fail if not setup properly. The other is a definite guarantee. I did so much research on these two things. Why? It truly is a control issue. I need to control something in my life, and this is it. I feel I have no control over anything else. I don't bring it up, mention it to anyone, talk about it. I keep it to myself because no one wants to hear that I think about it, let alone having planned everything from start to finish, including the BS my family won't have to deal with because it's done. Anyway, I just had to get this out. Thanks for listening.

#Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #EmotionalAbuse #Marijuana #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor

11 reactions 5 comments
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My Control (Trigger warning)

Sometimes I feel that suicide is the only thing I have control over. It is the one thing that only I can decide, plan, overthink, contemplate, and choose yes or no. I think of it daily. I've got all my plans in place so my family won't have to do anything. I have tried 5 times in the past. The last time should have worked, but I was sold the wrong product. I was so f'in mad that I was still here. My husband drove me to the hospital and they did nothing, which is the norm. I have two plans of action this time - no, I'm not actively suicidal right now. One could fail if not setup properly. The other is a definite guarantee. I did so much research on these two things. Why? It truly is a control issue. I need to control something in my life, and this is it. I feel I have no control over anything else. I don't bring it up, mention it to anyone, talk about it. I keep it to myself because no one wants to hear that I think about it, let alone having planned everything from start to finish, including the BS my family won't have to deal with because it's done. Anyway, I just had to get this out. Thanks for listening.

#Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #EmotionalAbuse #Marijuana #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor

12 reactions 6 comments
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Weak

I stopped my drug of choice for 5 weeks but then got a little and have had a couple each day since. My other drug of choice is a bad one and is hard to quit. I made it 11 days and then I got a couple g's. I was so disappointed in myself. I was proud when I said I was quitting and I did. I just can't stay away. I'm an addict and I need to deal with these two drugs now. I have tried Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, talk therapy, meditation, mindfulness. The only thing I haven't tried is a 12-step program. I found some for narcotics anonymous - there's one group in my city that is secular. Online there are hundreds. No excuse not to participate. Let's make it through today and worry about tomorrow the next day. #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #Marijuana #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor

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What are you grateful for? What can you be thankful for to keep you holding on during tough times?

Please let's all share our blessings in life that we are thankful for. In
dark and trying times (like right now), I try to always remember the things I am grateful for and remind myself that without any/all of them my life could be much less manageable

I am grateful for:

-Being alive!
-Being able to walk, even if I need mobility devices
-Having a roof over my head
-Having food on the table
-Having great doctors, nurses, my therapist, my shrink, numerous specialists and my clinic - and having the insurance to pay for them - as well as insurance to pay for my many medications!
-Having a strong network of family and friends and always being able to know that I am loved and supported ...and
-Having my relative health - things could always be worse!

What are you thankful for?

Maybe thank someone who you are grateful for and let them know how helpful they are and how much it means to you to have their support. Sometimes people don’t know how much they impact other’s lives!

#Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Chronicpainwarrior #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #Bipolar1Disorder #Stigma #BipolarDepression
#ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ADHD #Autism #Dementia #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #BrainInjury #LossOfAParent #Grief #SuicideSurvivors #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #HIVAIDS #longtermsurvivor #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #MightyQuestions #DownSyndrome #IfYouFeelHopeless #Hope #Deaf #CongestiveHeartFailure #Migraine #COVID19 #PeripheralNeuropathy #LymeDisease #Diabetes #EatingDisorders #Headache #Stroke #help #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Fibromyalgia #thankful #grateful #EatingDisorders #CocaineDependence #drugaddict #PTSD #EmotionalHealth #physicalhealth #PainAcceptance #Acceptance #relief #Happiness #TheMighty #MightyMinute #MightyTogether #DistractMe #MightyTogether #mentalhealthwarrior #RareDisease #ChronicFatigue

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Surviving is just part of the journey…making the most of the time it gives you and realizing there can be good times despite the struggles is a gift!

It’s not all about survival, there is a lot of living to do along the way. Although at times I feel like I am just treating one ailment after another, all day every day (which is true right now) I’ve decided why take all the time and energy it takes to survive everything unless I don’t enjoy how the time given to me by surviving is ripe for good times too.

Recently I have mostly been homebound except to go to health appointments… doctors, PT & OT, clinics, therapy etc. and then only with a walker and the benefit of handicapped parking spots. But I try to continue to celebrate the gifts I have in life, be thankful for the blessings I have that make life just a little more bearable and remind myself of what I’ve been through, how I’ve survived and what I’ve learned from these experiences. If I consider all this, then I must be a very wise man 😉 I may have dropped out of college but I have a Masters degree from the School of Hard Knocks … the diploma is not needed, I know I have accomplished it and need no reminder…I’m still alive after all!

Tough times have given me the chance to tap into my inner strength and I’ve also grown along the way. I don’t have to wait to celebrate the good times when I am experiencing some right now despite what I’m going through!

Thank you all for the love, support, thoughts and prayers, I certainly couldn’t have done this alone!

#Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Chronicpainwarrior #Disability #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Bipolar2Disorder #Bipolar1Disorder #Stigma #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #RareDisease #AspergersSyndrome #ADHD #Autism #Dementia #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #Cancer #TraumaticBrainInjury #BrainInjury #LossOfAParent #Grief #SuicideSurvivors #ChronicFatigue #DistractMe #HIVAIDS #longtermsurvivor #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #MightyQuestions #DownSyndrome #IfYouFeelHopeless #Hope #Deafness #neckpain #BackPain #CongestiveHeartFailure #Migraine #COVID19 #PeripheralNeuropathy #LymeDisease #Diabetes #EatingDisorders #Headache #Stroke #help #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Fibromyalgia #thankful #grateful #EatingDisorders #CocaineDependence #drugaddict #PTSD #EmotionalHealth #physicalhealth #PainAcceptance #Acceptance #relief #Happiness #Selflove #Selfcare #MightyMinute #MentalHealthHero
#TheMighty #InsideTheMighty #MightyTogether #DistractMe

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My Picture Story

I experienced child sexual abuse, among other things. I wanted to express what I go through trying to forever process things. Every day, hour, minute, second. I told my artist what my vision was. He took my words and designed the most beautiful piece.

The beautiful angel is reaching down to help the wee girl at the bottom but a demon reaches out and grabs her by the elbow. The girl is trying to call out to the angel, but the demon covers her mouth so no one can hear her cries. Even though I'm healing and dealing with my disorders, this is my every day. My life.

#Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor

9 reactions 2 comments