suicide attempt

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suicide attempt
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    How do I forgive myself? #Depression #SuicideAttempt

    I don't want to get into the how's or why's, but I attempted suicide two weeks ago. Even though I'm home and back at work, I know "normal" isn't going to happen for a very long time. I'm finding things like being "lectured" and other stressors are getting to me more. How do I cope with all of this on top of the guilt I feel and recurring suicidal thoughts? On paper, I'm doing everything right (upping sessions with my therapist and mental health worker, self-care), but I still feel awful. How do I forgive myself when every list I've seen on the topic looks so easy but feels so far out of reach?

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    I’m ok/not ok

    I’m here for my son (my middle child) who tried to commit suicide together with his girlfriend. She died and he survived. He went from being in a coma with a bullet logged in his brain to breathing through then the tube through his trackia. He’s not well mentally, emotionally nor physically and he’s in prison because he’s being charged with her death. My first born died 4 years ago still cannot even see his picture because is too hard for me to handle. My last born is in autism spectrum. He’s high functioning and very intelligent. Even though he’s come a long way from not having any speech and having 4-6 teachers per day in his younger years to graduating with a reagents diploma he’s my rock right now.

    That’s the iceberg of my story. #LosingAChild #SuicideAttempt #SuicideLoss #Depression

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    Snippets of darkness Possible trigger warning #SuicideAttempt #SuicideIdeation #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivor #MajorDepression

    I’m struggling. I’m not in a good space *yet* but I’m not sure if it’s even possible for me to get to that good space again.
    I’m a survivor of an attempt or two, however one of them really messed me up for a very long time. I haven’t had a plan or tried to do anything close to an attempt in over 15 years but it’s on my mind literally all the time. What stops me? The thought of failing again. Yes failure. I have been through so many different failures that I can’t take another of any kind. I did have many years that I had felt better after the hospitalization and the process of recovery but it took many years to get to that place. I’m not saying the depression wasn’t there anymore because it never really leaves but it was manageable and quiet until it just wasn’t.
    Now I hear a lot of validating comments about how far I’ve come. That I am really strong for still being “present” or for showing up to therapies and groups, for trying despite how difficult my situation is and has been. That I’m doing all the “right thing(s)” None of which feels right. I’m able to laugh it off sometimes. In fact I’m told that when I’m angry, or upset that I’m pretty funny. It’s unintentional but I swear it’s the only reason I am able to make it through this darkness at all. I love to make people laugh, to be funny, to get that smile or reaction from people helps me so much but it never lasts. My health has been terrible and I’m tired. Tired of all of it being a constant struggle. Breathing is a struggle! I’m finally a little better due to getting 3 biweekly allergy shots but for two years I was not able to breathe well enough to stand up all the way or walk. I went to the allergy specialist this week to see how well the last 6 months of shots were working and guess what? Even though I thought they were helpful my pft tests say that I’m not any better at all. I panicked hearing that and begged for them not to stop the shots because at least I’m walking and able to stand! The thing is I’m terrified of needles and I cry every single one I get but here I am begging for them to continue. No I am not able to do the things I used to I don’t have the breath or the energy but I’m not completely trapped in bed like I was just a few months ago. Not that I leave bed much but I at least have the choice now. I have so much going on with me mentally and physically that I can’t possibly write it all down now. However I used to blog regularly and got great responses from that and I’ve been wanting to start blogging again for a very long time. I used to be a “beautiful” writer and had started to write a book at just 14 years old. I was known to ask for topics in school and was always complimented on my work. I love writing and journaling but osteoarthritis has taken my ability to grip a pen for very long without severe pain and spasms. So I do what I can do while trying to get over the fact that it hurts me or is lacking it’s luster. All I know now is I’m still here, I’m trying.


    Surving a Suicide Attempt

    It has been 26 days since I attempted suicide. I woke up in hospital, conversed with the crisis team and subsequently discharged when deemed fit and my observations were stable. Although I have physically recovered, psychologically I’m still a mess.

    It has been confusing, numbing yet extremely painful. When you expected to be gone, to continue existing is a strange, unwelcoming feeling. No one explains the difficulty with surviving a suicide attempt. I have received no professional support and continue to suffer in silence. I had to overcome the physical consequences alone and continue to battle the psychological, to no avail.

    I hope that things will get better, that it will change, but so far it’s been the opposite, and found myself back in hospital.

    I hope the pain stops, I hope that there is meaning to this suffering. I just feel tired, drained, and defeated.

    #Suicide #BPD #SuicideAttempt #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth


    Anxious for news of a possible surgery

    About 5.75 years ago, I was intubated after being placed in a medical coma as a result of a suicide attempt. When they thought I was well enough, doctors removed the tube, but I crashed again. This happened three times which caused severe trauma to my trachea. When I awoke, my breathing was fine. It wasn’t until two months later that I began to struggle to breathe because of scar tissue that had developed. This wasn’t discovered for another two months when it was determined that I needed surgery as soon as possible. The surgeons went in, lasered off the scar tissue from my trachea, and expanded a balloon to help open the airway. At this point, my breathing has again become labored and uneven. I have an appointment tomorrow to explore via laryngoscopy to see if another surgery is necessary.

    Needless to say, I’m a bit anxious.

    The worst part of all of this is that I’ve made a complete 180 since that time in my life. My job still sucks, but I have an amazing husband and a beautiful home. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, yet here I am with a reminder of my misery and darkest struggles. I’m afraid that this surgery will be on repeat every 6 years for the rest of my life, and a constant reminder of the hell that was my life.

    #trachea #trachealstenosis #SuicideAttempt #intubation #lifesupport #Surgery #Bipolar #Depression

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    Surviving: Made To Battle

    I wrote my own ebook I am proud to have written it took me a long time to get it written and I want to use my book and my story to help everyone have a strong support system and advocate here’s the link to my book #SexualAssault #SexualAbuse


    Suicide survivor

    I was found unconscious from an OD 5 days ago. Guess someonen found me snd called police and ambulance. I’m upset that my plan didn’t work. I undeestsnd my familys releif when they got the call I was gonna be ok. Currently in pysc ward of the hospital.
    But when I go home how do I face them. What so I say? Thet are going to look at me differently and ask questions like why would you do such a thing!
    Any advice/thoughts on this. Thanks
    #SuicideSurvivor #SuicideAttempt
    #BPD #Depression

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    Why #Depression #sadthoughts #Suicide #SuicideAttempt #empty

    So, I found this site and I figured I might as well put some of my reasons for being here down. I've made two major attempts and my parents have been telling me to get over it myself. The second attempt was bad enough they called an ambulance and had to take me to a local hospital, everyone took the half-asses answer I gave and never questioned it. I said I was stressed, the truth?

    I'm not even sure any more. I can't help but feel empty and no matter how hard I try, when I get angry, it always turns inward. I did something wrong, I said something, I should just stop talking. It always leads to the same thought, 'I should just stop breathing' I'm too much of a burden and whenever I try to tell someone (namely my mom) she tells me it's just teenage angst. That it's all in my head and that I need to just get over it.

    Every time I finally lash out and lose my temper, I get a punishment from my step-dad or blame and anger from my mom. Not to mention my little sister isn't much younger than me and she gets so judgemental so when I cry in front of her, she gets mad at me. They don't realize how much they hurt me and I can never manage to tell them because I want them to think I'm ok. I don't want to be more of a burden to them. Even as I type this, I hear a voice telling me that everyone here has gone through so much more than me and need way more help than I do. I'm just being attention needy.

    Both my parents don't think I need any help even though my mom takes medication for her issues like her bipolar and her thoughts. I don't understand them but I can't help but love them, no matter what they've done to me.

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    What if?

    I find myself wondering a lot about the ‘what if’. I took a promotion and was so unhappy for a year I nearly took my own life due to how bad my mental health was.

    Currently, I’ve started a new job (almost finished my first week) and am happy. I know that there isn’t a perfect job out there, but this isn’t bad as far as jobs go. This being said, I’ve found myself wondering what would have happened had I not accepted the promotion and was moved away from the team and building I was use to. If things would have gotten as bad as they eventually did or if other things would have happened to push me to resign. Or would I still be there and have been happy-ish.

    I wonder…

    #s #SuicideAttempt # #Depr #Depression #MajorDepression #Anxiety #Suicide