Suicude

I told myself I wouldn't let this pour over into today when it happened yesterday. But here it is this morning and I'm struggling with that.
Yesterday I was supposed to begin participating in a Mental Health Research Study at my local University. I was excited to be helping in some way. I had done a phone interview. And answered all of their questions and so on and was chosen to participate in it.
So I went yesterday. I was about half way through the first session of answering questions. She had asked me some things and I mentioned my suicide attempt. She asked me about voices. I answered.
Then all of a sudden she excused herself and was gone for a long time. She comes back and she's like, "I'm sorry but when you answered about the suicide and the voices it pinged my professor and she asked me to come see her. Apparently you're not exactly what we're looking for. You're a little out of the scope we're looking for."
I was ShOCKED! It was basically the same exact questions I had answered on the phone weeks before and I gave the same answers. I had mentioned suicide and voices on the phone and the woman was excited to have me be part of the study.
So, I was shocked!!
What I heard was, "I'm sorry, you're a little TOO crazy for what we're looking for!"
It just crushed me and almost felt like it was proof of what I already am feeling all the time anyway.
So, I'm not helping. All I want to do is help and apparently, I'm too crazy to do that. You'd think the more knowledge and more experience I have with mental illness, would be a good thing. But it isn't I guess. So, I went home and did an hour on the treadmill. I guess that's one good thing to come out of it.
So, there's that.
#MentalIllness #Depression #Anxiety #Suicude #Hearingvoices #researchstudy #toocrazy #WhyTry