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A Painless hobby

So I use to be able to do a lot. I was the master at multitasking, working out, different forms of art. But for the last 20 years it gradually went downhill. Eventually I accepted what is and lived each day the best I can. I've always been an active person so not being able to do as much as the person before, that was the most difficult. One day I happened to be browsing and saw that one activity I've always loved has a Botanical Garden line. Legos! I was so happy! And it's affordable.
So I thought I'd share one that's also a favorite flower of mine...the orchid.
Maybe someone out there would like to do this as well.😄 #Lupus #fibro #chronicpain #ChronicFatigue #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #SuicideSurvivor #Migraine #abuse #toxicity #Selflove

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#CognitiveBehavioralTheory

Our Thoughts predetermine our Feelings - Our Feelings predetermine our Behaviors - Our Behaviors reinforce our Thoughts

So when we come from a place of severe Trauma; Abuse; Neglect; we tend to have Negative, and Reactive Thought processes. This tends to present itself in Negative Trauma Response to our CURRENT situation, regardless of whether we are still experiencing the Trauma...

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helps to retrain the Mind back to more Positive Thoughts, which leads to Positive Feelings, and helps us to have more Positive Interactions and Behavior patterns... It takes time to learn and develop the Proper COPING SKILLS to overcome years of Abuse... The Patterns become so ingrained that we are unaware of our Responses or how we are Affecting those around us...

#AutismSpectrum #ADD #Anxiety #behavioralhealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CPTSD #Dyslexia #EmotionalDysregulation #Guilt_Shame #intensemoodswings #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Selfharm #SuicideSurvivor

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Do You Ever Make Excuses?

This will probably sound terrible of me, no matter how I word it. I apologize.
I suffer from C-PTSD which also brings with it depression, anxiety, and social isolation. I take medication, which helps, but it doesn’t remove all of the symptoms.
I have a terrible fear of deep relationships. Fear of not being enough. I’ve denigrated relationships because of it. Truth is, sometimes I just can’t do people. It’s overload. Many times, I just want to be in the safety of my own home. When that happens, I’ve made excuses, not answered the phone, anything to keep from simply saying ‘no’. Isn’t that terrible?
I don’t want to wear C-PTSD on my sleeve. But it’s also not an excuse. It’s so very real.
Saying ‘no’ is something I’m really striving to work on. Dr. G says it’s a great way to advocate for myself. He says I matter. It’s time to let myself and others know I do. It’s just so hard!
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#mentalhealth
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#SuicideSurvivor

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Breaking The Silence

Okay I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post personal links on this app but I guess we'll find out. Within the last couple of years I've been writing my own book called "Breaking The Silence." My book tells my life story of survival of child abuse. By writing my book I'm hoping to reach as many victims and/or Survivor's who haven't came out to tell their stories of survival. My whole mission in life is to inspire many by telling my story of survival to the world, in hopes that I can not only save many lives, but also bring light where there is darkness, bring hope to the hopeless, be a voice to the voiceless and be a mental health advocate to help those find their Journey To Recovery. So for those who are interested in reading my book, blogs, and poems, I'll post my link to my website. (Hopefully it won't get taken down) Just click on the link below. Happy Reading 🤗

mystoryisfarfromoveronline.wordpress.com

#breakingthesilence #MentalHealth #Depression #mystory #Mybook #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #SuicideSurvivor #Anxiety

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Breaking the Silence

Effective Strategies for Addressing and Healing from Child Abuse
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What’s Your Favorite Takeaway Food?

I just love oriental food. I can get lots of veggies!
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#MentalHealth
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#SuicideSurvivor

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How Abusive Relationships Can Become an Addiction

I recently went through a break up. I ended up in the hospital. It turned out that there was a physiological reason for this.

From the outside, the last few months of this relationship looked, from the outside, like two people willingly living in hell. From the inside, it felt like willingly walking into hell, hanging out there for a while and enduring intense torture, and then being catapulted up to the euphoric relief of heaven. For me, it was worth the reward. I lived for the reward, in fact. I couldn't live without it. And I couldn't get the heaven without the hell. 

I did truly love my partner; she was a genuinely amazing person. But she and I had very different conflict resolution styles, and this resulted in some extremely intense arguments that became abusive in both directions. During these arguments I felt lower than I ever had in my life. My insecure attachment style left me feeling hated, rejected, and therefore unable to survive in response to my partner's harsh approach towards conflict. Then, when we would reconnect and she would express love for me, it felt like happiest moment of my life; I felt high.

And it turned out that I was.

Addiction is highly recognized and increasingly understood in certain contexts. Addiction to substances such as alcohol or illicit drugs, and behaviors such as sex or binge eating, are fortunately often acknowledged as a physical process that, over time, becomes disease. When we ingest these substances or engage in these behaviors, the brain is flooded with dopamine- a neurotransmitter that evolved to reinforce behaviors that keep us alive. 

Dopamine teaches our brains that a behavior should be repeated, and is potentially essential for our survival. In addiction, our brains gradually become able to release dopamine only in response to the addicted behavior. Neuroscientist and professor Andrew Huberman defines addiction as "A progressive narrowing of the things that bring you pleasure." Drinking, doing drugs, or binge eating become the only way possible to feel happiness, to get that dopamine fix.

I had learned to get my dopamine fix in a way I had never heard of in the context of addiction. When my partner and I "made up" after a fight, it felt so good that my brain came to release extreme amounts of dopamine, and started to release a decreased amount of dopamine in response to anything else. 

Fighting, and therefore emotional or verbal abuse, became the only way that I could feel true happiness, the only way I could experience a sense of meaning in my life. These fights sometimes happened naturally, as a result of our differing conflict resolution styles. Other times, I would subconsciously find ways to feel affronted or rejected and provoke my partner to act abusively towards me, setting myself up for a huge dopamine release when I felt love and acceptance again. This created a vicious cycle of emotional abuse and manipulation on my part, leading to emotional and verbal abuse on her part, and ultimately resulting in extreme bliss when this subsided. I was the picture of an addict- begging on my knees at my partner's door after a fight for my drug of choice, love and forgiveness. 

If fully recognized and accepted for what it is, this cycle in relationships can be disrupted with committed effort and time. An addictive cycle of abuse in a relationship does not mean that the relationship is inherently bad, or that it isn't based on true love. 

I unfortunately learned this too late. I was used to, relied on, the extreme low of a fight, and the extreme high of conciliation shortly after. One day the low went too low. My partner left and wasn't coming back. The relief wasn't coming. The dopamine wouldn't hit. My brain didn't think I could survive, and I almost didn't. 

After recovering physically from a suicide attempt, I had to begin detox from my relationship. My body had to adjust to the lack of dopamine, which was a long process that involved a month of feeling literally no joy whatsoever. I had to work to bring my base dopamine levels back up to normal, while having no dopamine to reinforce the behaviors necessary to do so. 

I did it, though. After what I can now see was probably a lifetime of this addiction, I can now maintain my dopamine levels on my own without addictive behavior, can feel joy in response to simple things, and am looking forward to this being the base for a healthy relationship someday.

#Addiction #SuicideSurvivor #abusiverelationships #relationshipaddiction

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Surviving a suicide attempt and trying to process it

I've been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for about seven years. And a little over a month ago I attempted suicide. For me it wasn't spur of the moment. I had planned it out, and had contemplated it for a long time. I was so sure that is what I wanted. I won't go into specifics but I had planned to combine an od on medication with a second method. And when I felt the OD on medication kick in I was happy, or at least content. Long story short, I didn't end up following through with the second method and ended up in the ER. Apparently my plans had a high enough chance to complete because the doctor seemed to not be sure what to do. And one of the nurses that was helping treatment me asked if she could be blunt with me, and after assuring her she wouldn't hurt my feelings, she said that she wasn't sure if I would survive and she felt bad about. Well, obviously I ended up surviving. And I'm not sure how to feel about it.

I won't lie, at first I was disappointed and a bit scared. But slowly I began to feel better. And actually, this past month has been the best month I've had in a long time. It's the first month that I haven't thought about ending my life. That is something that hasn't happened for the past seven years. And also, up to this point as long as I take the medication they started me on my mental health has actually been relatively good. I've been functioning fine, have been performing well at work ect.

But for the past couple of days, I've been reflecting on the events that have led me to this point. And that's not something that I had done up to this point. I can't help but feel like it should be this thing that has profound meaning for me. But the more I try to figure out how I feel about it, the worse my mental health seems to get. My anxiety has been acting up the past couple of days and that tends to be a bad omen. I'm worried that if I don't process what happened I might go back to how I was, and I used to be near comatose. And I'm worried I might lose my employment, and I really like where I work. The people that I now work with are truly great, and this is the best place I've ever worked. And I'm also worried that the process of processing what happened may cause a decline in my mental health too.
Has anyone else gone through something similar? What was your experience like?
#Suicide #SuicideSurvivor

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Wondering why im alive

I really dont feel that i make a difference to anyones life except that of my dogs. Everyone else will be more than happy without me. I envy those who are dead. #ChronicDepression #SuicideSurvivor

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Sometimes you have to show yourself

#SuicideSurvivor #Survivor #fibromyalgiawarrior

There are times when you have to say theses words…

Get up

Get up

Get up

Yes not every morning is filled with happiness and bliss. Sometimes you feel like you are so tired but you don’t know why. That’s when you rest your head you rest your body but you don’t stay down you rise.

Rise and shine

The call you have times when your in pain you have times when your literally unable to move.

So you rest for a time in that time IT is up to someone else to shine. While you take a moment to sit back watch and smile.

Being an independent is hard on you for what ever reason you think you have to be part of the process. The truth is once you have shown the process others know how but will let you do all the work until you ask them to do it or you give it over to them to do.

Then IT is not up to you IT is up to them!

So when you burn 🔥 Out you need that rest there is no reason to busy about. Just rest and without a doubt everything will work out.

The main thing is you rise!

Don’t stay down…

Get up

Get up

Get up

Even if for a bit today and a bit tomorrow your still UP!

Someone out there needs this today!!

Your important

Your not alone

Your worthy

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In the silence of my tears #tears #silence #time #CPTSD #seeme #SuicideSurvivor #invisible #supportsurvivor

In the Silence Of My Tears
Sometimes when I lay in the midst of the night
I can see the darkest corners of my jagged mind
All the memories from demons past and present
come flooding over me
Nights turn to days … and … days turn to nights
As I lay in the silent embers of my burning tears
He lays next to me, Still I am alone,
in the midst of the night as I silently cry
Why must these demons haunt me eternally,
why am I alone in my tears
If all time is eternally present, how can I escape my demons past
How can I reach my future without maddening frustration,
without silent tears
With time past always in my presence
How can I escape the cold darkness of the aloneness
My sadness deepens with each tear that falls on deaf ears
Still he hears me not, in the stillness of the silence
My past and present collide into one
never ending nightmare of isolation
Is this my destiny
Sometimes when I lay in the midst of the night
I can see the darkest corners of my jagged mind
I scream out in silence through my tear stained face
See me, hear me, I am not invisible
As I lay in the silence of my tears
Wildfire 9/19/20

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