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Breaking The Silence

Okay I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post personal links on this app but I guess we'll find out. Within the last couple of years I've been writing my own book called "Breaking The Silence." My book tells my life story of survival of child abuse. By writing my book I'm hoping to reach as many victims and/or Survivor's who haven't came out to tell their stories of survival. My whole mission in life is to inspire many by telling my story of survival to the world, in hopes that I can not only save many lives, but also bring light where there is darkness, bring hope to the hopeless, be a voice to the voiceless and be a mental health advocate to help those find their Journey To Recovery. So for those who are interested in reading my book, blogs, and poems, I'll post my link to my website. (Hopefully it won't get taken down) Just click on the link below. Happy Reading 🤗

#breakingthesilence #MentalHealth #Depression #mystory #Mybook #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #SuicideSurvivor #Anxiety


Breaking the Silence

Effective Strategies for Addressing and Healing from Child Abuse
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What’s Your Favorite Takeaway Food?

I just love oriental food. I can get lots of veggies!

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How Abusive Relationships Can Become an Addiction

I recently went through a break up. I ended up in the hospital. It turned out that there was a physiological reason for this.

From the outside, the last few months of this relationship looked, from the outside, like two people willingly living in hell. From the inside, it felt like willingly walking into hell, hanging out there for a while and enduring intense torture, and then being catapulted up to the euphoric relief of heaven. For me, it was worth the reward. I lived for the reward, in fact. I couldn't live without it. And I couldn't get the heaven without the hell. 

I did truly love my partner; she was a genuinely amazing person. But she and I had very different conflict resolution styles, and this resulted in some extremely intense arguments that became abusive in both directions. During these arguments I felt lower than I ever had in my life. My insecure attachment style left me feeling hated, rejected, and therefore unable to survive in response to my partner's harsh approach towards conflict. Then, when we would reconnect and she would express love for me, it felt like happiest moment of my life; I felt high.

And it turned out that I was.

Addiction is highly recognized and increasingly understood in certain contexts. Addiction to substances such as alcohol or illicit drugs, and behaviors such as sex or binge eating, are fortunately often acknowledged as a physical process that, over time, becomes disease. When we ingest these substances or engage in these behaviors, the brain is flooded with dopamine- a neurotransmitter that evolved to reinforce behaviors that keep us alive. 

Dopamine teaches our brains that a behavior should be repeated, and is potentially essential for our survival. In addiction, our brains gradually become able to release dopamine only in response to the addicted behavior. Neuroscientist and professor Andrew Huberman defines addiction as "A progressive narrowing of the things that bring you pleasure." Drinking, doing drugs, or binge eating become the only way possible to feel happiness, to get that dopamine fix.

I had learned to get my dopamine fix in a way I had never heard of in the context of addiction. When my partner and I "made up" after a fight, it felt so good that my brain came to release extreme amounts of dopamine, and started to release a decreased amount of dopamine in response to anything else. 

Fighting, and therefore emotional or verbal abuse, became the only way that I could feel true happiness, the only way I could experience a sense of meaning in my life. These fights sometimes happened naturally, as a result of our differing conflict resolution styles. Other times, I would subconsciously find ways to feel affronted or rejected and provoke my partner to act abusively towards me, setting myself up for a huge dopamine release when I felt love and acceptance again. This created a vicious cycle of emotional abuse and manipulation on my part, leading to emotional and verbal abuse on her part, and ultimately resulting in extreme bliss when this subsided. I was the picture of an addict- begging on my knees at my partner's door after a fight for my drug of choice, love and forgiveness. 

If fully recognized and accepted for what it is, this cycle in relationships can be disrupted with committed effort and time. An addictive cycle of abuse in a relationship does not mean that the relationship is inherently bad, or that it isn't based on true love. 

I unfortunately learned this too late. I was used to, relied on, the extreme low of a fight, and the extreme high of conciliation shortly after. One day the low went too low. My partner left and wasn't coming back. The relief wasn't coming. The dopamine wouldn't hit. My brain didn't think I could survive, and I almost didn't. 

After recovering physically from a suicide attempt, I had to begin detox from my relationship. My body had to adjust to the lack of dopamine, which was a long process that involved a month of feeling literally no joy whatsoever. I had to work to bring my base dopamine levels back up to normal, while having no dopamine to reinforce the behaviors necessary to do so. 

I did it, though. After what I can now see was probably a lifetime of this addiction, I can now maintain my dopamine levels on my own without addictive behavior, can feel joy in response to simple things, and am looking forward to this being the base for a healthy relationship someday.

#Addiction #SuicideSurvivor #abusiverelationships #relationshipaddiction

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Surviving a suicide attempt and trying to process it

I've been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for about seven years. And a little over a month ago I attempted suicide. For me it wasn't spur of the moment. I had planned it out, and had contemplated it for a long time. I was so sure that is what I wanted. I won't go into specifics but I had planned to combine an od on medication with a second method. And when I felt the OD on medication kick in I was happy, or at least content. Long story short, I didn't end up following through with the second method and ended up in the ER. Apparently my plans had a high enough chance to complete because the doctor seemed to not be sure what to do. And one of the nurses that was helping treatment me asked if she could be blunt with me, and after assuring her she wouldn't hurt my feelings, she said that she wasn't sure if I would survive and she felt bad about. Well, obviously I ended up surviving. And I'm not sure how to feel about it.

I won't lie, at first I was disappointed and a bit scared. But slowly I began to feel better. And actually, this past month has been the best month I've had in a long time. It's the first month that I haven't thought about ending my life. That is something that hasn't happened for the past seven years. And also, up to this point as long as I take the medication they started me on my mental health has actually been relatively good. I've been functioning fine, have been performing well at work ect.

But for the past couple of days, I've been reflecting on the events that have led me to this point. And that's not something that I had done up to this point. I can't help but feel like it should be this thing that has profound meaning for me. But the more I try to figure out how I feel about it, the worse my mental health seems to get. My anxiety has been acting up the past couple of days and that tends to be a bad omen. I'm worried that if I don't process what happened I might go back to how I was, and I used to be near comatose. And I'm worried I might lose my employment, and I really like where I work. The people that I now work with are truly great, and this is the best place I've ever worked. And I'm also worried that the process of processing what happened may cause a decline in my mental health too.
Has anyone else gone through something similar? What was your experience like?
#Suicide #SuicideSurvivor

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Wondering why im alive

I really dont feel that i make a difference to anyones life except that of my dogs. Everyone else will be more than happy without me. I envy those who are dead. #ChronicDepression #SuicideSurvivor

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Sometimes you have to show yourself

#SuicideSurvivor #Survivor #fibromyalgiawarrior

There are times when you have to say theses words…

Get up

Get up

Get up

Yes not every morning is filled with happiness and bliss. Sometimes you feel like you are so tired but you don’t know why. That’s when you rest your head you rest your body but you don’t stay down you rise.

Rise and shine

The call you have times when your in pain you have times when your literally unable to move.

So you rest for a time in that time IT is up to someone else to shine. While you take a moment to sit back watch and smile.

Being an independent is hard on you for what ever reason you think you have to be part of the process. The truth is once you have shown the process others know how but will let you do all the work until you ask them to do it or you give it over to them to do.

Then IT is not up to you IT is up to them!

So when you burn 🔥 Out you need that rest there is no reason to busy about. Just rest and without a doubt everything will work out.

The main thing is you rise!

Don’t stay down…

Get up

Get up

Get up

Even if for a bit today and a bit tomorrow your still UP!

Someone out there needs this today!!

Your important

Your not alone

Your worthy


In the silence of my tears #tears #silence #time #CPTSD #seeme #SuicideSurvivor #invisible #supportsurvivor

In the Silence Of My Tears
Sometimes when I lay in the midst of the night
I can see the darkest corners of my jagged mind
All the memories from demons past and present
come flooding over me
Nights turn to days … and … days turn to nights
As I lay in the silent embers of my burning tears
He lays next to me, Still I am alone,
in the midst of the night as I silently cry
Why must these demons haunt me eternally,
why am I alone in my tears
If all time is eternally present, how can I escape my demons past
How can I reach my future without maddening frustration,
without silent tears
With time past always in my presence
How can I escape the cold darkness of the aloneness
My sadness deepens with each tear that falls on deaf ears
Still he hears me not, in the stillness of the silence
My past and present collide into one
never ending nightmare of isolation
Is this my destiny
Sometimes when I lay in the midst of the night
I can see the darkest corners of my jagged mind
I scream out in silence through my tear stained face
See me, hear me, I am not invisible
As I lay in the silence of my tears
Wildfire 9/19/20

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Be that Angel

There are so many people out there struggling you know cause your one of them.

The storm rages on and on yes but in the storm there is beauty. The winds that blow allow you to glow. So around and around you go up and down to and frow.

So you know just in case anyone hasn’t said IT to you today….

You are amazing yes you the person who is reading this very message today.

Your made of star dust that took billions of years to form in time so you would be hear to read this rhyme.

We all think we will be fine in time that’s why this is all so sublime. If we were fine there would be no reason to scribe this rhyme.

Some of you need a good laugh or even take a time to soak in a bath.

Whatever you do just do you that’s what’s going to be most helpful to you.

Please be the best you we all love U2

#Fun #ArtTherapy #inspire #SuicideSurvivor

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#PTSD #CPTSD #SuicideSurvivor #Fibromyalgia

This is for you who ever you are yes you reading this that’s you the you especially you and you with U2

We hear you empathize with you and sympathize with you.

Ourselves were in a dark place and we were told to hold on when it all seemed so impossible

A person said to not give up to fight to be brave to no punch out stay alive. They said there are so many people counting on you so you can’t give up.

We never knew that through the PTSD The Chronic Pain the drugs the coping the lack of understanding and the collapse that we would even be here.

Now we are here for you to tell you that you matter you are not alone you are worth if your with toxic people or are not supported please know you have found the place of light and people here care.

We share our walk our journey so you and others know even when you loose your circle your family even if you loose it’s lm you get a chance to be a part of something better and bigger then you have ever dreamed.

No punch out clause no suicide no surrender

The only thing that kept us going was God and angels sent to us to comfort us as we passed through the fire.

Now recovered now helping others now a bright light of hope for all to see so you can be to and we would like to pass the torch and light you up so you can be another bright light and join the fight.

We salute you we are sorry for what you are experiencing we are right here with you and so is THE MIGHTY Crew.

Hugs to you

Thank you THE MiGHTY Crew

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New Fish Tank - New Fish

Sometimes the blessing is pulling you out!

#SuicideSurvivor #Fibromyalgia #RiseAbove

Amen to this and all the above One Love

God sometimes sets you apart so you can spend time with him and heal.

Some of us get the second chance deal however it means life is completely reset and rearranged.

This is a blessing often misunderstood.

Think of it as a fish tank and a sick fish only gets better in a clean fish tank.

Now when the fish is healthy and clean all healed. The fish does not go back to the dirty or toxic fish tank.

The fish gets a new fish tank with new fish and is happy with out the toxic water and fish that made the fish ill in the first place.

Sometimes God gives you a new life in a new fish tank.

Thank Good for saving you and giving you a chance to live.


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