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Not knowing, so not doing
I have gotten myself stuck in a place where I can insulate myself from most triggers because I have withdrawn from most relationships and activities. It feels safe-ish because I have the illusion of control.
I was beating myself up for not trying harder to heal when I realized that a big thing holding me back is just not knowing what might happen. Like, what if I did try playing the guitar or writing a message to that friend or journalling for five minutes or offering to help someone? All these things have resulted in being triggered before, usually not major, but still triggered. So my mind is telling me that if even relatively benign activities like these can be triggering, then I am absolutely doing the right thing by just shutting everything down.
I was starting to make some headway through therapy in the autumn, but then my therapist seriously retraumatized me and now it feels harder than ever. Yesterday, I wrote a post about how I am "still trying" and I guess this post is part of that effort.
How do you move on? How do you get out of being stuck?
Oh yeah, did I mention that any kind of system or routine also feels really unsafe to me?
#StillTrying #trigger #stuck
#Depression #Anxiety #EmotionalAbuse #NarcissisticAbuse #theunknownisScary
