emotional abuse

You ever have a an hour, day, week, month or even year when things just got to be too much? Like you're on emotional overload then it results in either shutting down or lashing out? That's how things have been for me lately. These past few weeks have just worn me out both mentally and physically. Working full time, managing my mental health and maintaining a healthy relationship have become somewhat of a challenge. It seems like the littlest things set me off to either shut down and want to be alone or for my emotions to explode (not just anger but sadness too). I'll cry uncontrollably for apparently no reason, I'll become irritated and touchy. I'll shut down and not respond. When I do respond, it's with intensity.

I do have a history of trauma, so maybe my emotions are telling me that I have more processing to do. Or maybe I'm just under too much stress. I haven't been sleeping well (have been getting up super early) then staying up all day. Today I tried to rest but my thoughts are racing and all I feel like doing is screaming into a void. Since I can't do that I have to find another outlet. I have been reading about stress reduction techniques but haven't found anything that works. Perhaps all this stress and being on an emotional rollercoaster (#BipolarDisorder ) is finally taking a toll on me. I feel like there is no period of stability in between mood episodes (yes I told my psychiatrist and he put me on a new medication).

Maybe all these rapidly changing episodes combined with the trauma is causing more problems than it is solving. Right now I just need encouragement and support. Normally I try to support and encourage others but tonight I need the support, prayers and encouragement. I'm tired in general, but especially tired of the emotional rollercoaster. #PTSD doesn't help either because the intrusive memories can trigger me to be more emotional and #BPD makes regulating those emotions even harder.

I don't want to give up but I feel like I am going backwards and relapsing with some of my symptoms. Which I guess is normal with stress. I want to work, and have a great relationship but that seems hard right now. I'm just really struggling and again I would greatly appreciate the prayers, support and encouragement. Stay safe and reach out for help as always.

Blessings to you all,

-Anastasia

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Childhoodtrauma #stressed #needhelp #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #frustration

So in therapy we have discussed ways to plan ahead and how effective that is. I've always found that planning ahead gives me something to look forward to. I am planning a trip and things to do over the summer apart from work. This planning not only gives me a positive vibe and lifts my spirits but I also think it is a great coping strategy. As I've written before I have a major (maybe life altering) event coming up that I can't avoid. This event will be very distressing and triggering. I am doing everything in my power to control my emotions.

So I figured that coping ahead is the best thing to do. I have accepted that I will be under a lot of stress and will be triggered but that doesn't have to stop me. I will have a support system with me so I should be okay. I am working on ways to think more positively about the event aside from what could happen. If anyone has any positive coping strategies then I would appreciate hearing about them.

I am also looking for a way to reward myself after and should probably come up with an aftercare plan too. I just wanted to say that I appreciate all the comments and feedback, it really helps. I love how we can all support each other. Even if I feel unsafe during the event I know that like all the pain before, that it too will pass. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. People tell me that a lot. To survive the abuse then to be open about it takes strength. So to anyone that has done that, I commend you. Never give up. I've been in therapy for four years now and while it has been a hard journey I am grateful for all I have. I know that I will heal and overcome all of this. So can you. Stay safe, reach out for help and keep shining. We are all warriors!

Blessings,

-Anastasia

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Childhoodtrauma #SexualAssault #Hope #Healing

I really want to work on acceptance because I feel that acceptance can help me move on. I am tired of being sad and angry. Though those feelings are justified, I want to be happy and healthy. My therapist has said that I might need to make a commitment to acceptance many times before I accept anything. I really want to close this chapter of my life and enjoy what's ahead. So I am asking people with similar histories, what have you done to accept your diagnosis and your past? It took me a while to accept the PTSD diagnosis. I knew I was scared while I was being abused but I didn't think it had effected me that much. During the sexual assault I was able to speak but not move. I dissociated (mentally escaped) and only remember certain aspects of it. I suppose the PTSD came from that. I'm just so tired of being tired. I want to be more energetic and vibrant. I know self care is important and I try to do that but I need support right now. I appreciate all responses. Thank you.

#PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Childhoodtrauma #SexualAssault

They always say that it's important to have a support system. That it's vital to healing and mental well-being. Therapist and doctors say this a lot. And while I agree with this life can get pretty hard when you're balancing multiple mental illnesses. I try to do everything in my power to manage them through therapy, self-care and medications. I am beyond grateful for my support system. I have so much love for them. They have been so instrumental in my healing process that sometimes I don't stop and think about how wonderful they are. We often take for granted how much beauty we have in our lives. Yet life can get hard when I have to balance three challenging mental illnesses. I never knew that #BipolarDisorder could be so exhausting. It seems like I am on an emotional roller coaster at times. When I'm happy, I'm manic. When I'm sad, I'm depressed.

But Bipolar was not my first diagnosis. After my stay in the hospital after my self harm and suicide attempt, I was diagnosed with #PTSD . I was incorrectly diagnosed with #Depression at first because I wasn't showing any signs of mania. Receiving that PTSD diagnosis changed things for me. Now I can understand why I act the way I do and why I have nightmares sometimes. Why emotions are so intense when I get triggered. While it changed things for me, it only added to the complexity. Then I was later diagnosed with #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder I suppose due to the emotional dysfunction that I exhibit. In either case, while I now had labels for my problems they create more problems than solutions. Especially when trying to get my emotions under control. Sometimes I bristle at the help given because I am either in a Bipolar mood episode, I feel overwhelmed or I don't know how to express myself. While I am surrounded by people that love and want to support me, I am still navigating my way around all three of my illnesses.

However never underestimate the power and necessity of a support system. I am forever grateful and I know that with their help I can work on my struggles. My illnesses don't define me. They are just a part of my story just like my history of trauma. It's just there, while it does impact me I don't have to navigate its effects alone anymore. For so long I was alone and that only made things worse. Now I am not alone. So I encourage all of you to gather support. People who love and understand. People that are patient and compassionate. This is vital to thriving and healing. While I may never understand why I was abused or why I have the illnesses that I do, I know that I am loved, supported and believed. This has been crucial for my healing. I pray that all of you find this too. So stay safe and strong my friends. As always, thanks for reading and reach out for help if you need to. We are here for each other. I enjoy reading your comments. I'm glad I can help.

Blessings,

-Anastasia

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #ChildhoodAbuse #Trauma

I am a thinker, and I think about a lot of things often and sometimes I do think about my childhood experiences. Today, without really thinking much else, I remembered something that happened to me that I wasn’t saved from. Friday nights were always horrible. Those were the days when my mom’s husband would make us clean house. At the time, he didn’t work Fridays, but he would wait until my brother, mom, and myself would get home to do it. There was a lot of frustration and hurt feelings because he was very harsh during those hours. Even today, I saw that it gave me some form of structure, but now I can’t clean my room without taking breaks in between nor can I clean with bleach without feeling sick. One Friday in particular, I was really irritated with him and whenever he was in my way, I would bump into him on purpose so that I can get to where I needed to go. Was it necessary for me to do that? No, but I did. The last moment I bumped into him, he grabbed hold of my ponytail and told me not to do it again. At the time I wished I had a pair of scissors to cut off my hair at that moment. I tried to hold it together, but I did end up bursting into tears. I did tell my mom about it, but she didn’t confront him about it. I’ve come to forgive her for that in my own private way, but even now as I think about it, it still hurts. I didn’t think of it as a form of physical abuse at the time either. But then again, I didn’t think I was being emotionally abused by this guy either until I was in therapy. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #physicalabuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD

One other thing: there is swearing in this. If that's not for you, please move on.

I wanna scream it hurts so bad right now. I wanna just fade away. Psychiatrist/counseling office says they support me but last week my counselor outright ignored a trigger so I told him I can no longer work with him. He also said he only does 12 sessions but gave me more. Excuse my language but how the fuck can anyone work through anything in 12 sessions? Especially when someone doesn't trust counselors? Dude outright said it's surprising I even opened up to him and then pulls this shit. Today I'm in extreme pain and mental health is declining and last week the my psychiatrists MA said they can't support me all the time, use the crisis line. Well news flash the crisis line has made me worse and has hurt me, I've called back once before a call back sobbing and the lady asks "Why did you call back early?" As I was sobbing. So yeah call a line that only gives a fuck if you're actively suicidal and willing to go to the hospital. Which I've explained to them.
Oh and hospitals? If you want to hear extreme trauma, I'll inform you of my psych ward stay last year which my providers know about. My mom also knows and threatened to send me back to the same place. Well news flash mother you don't have power of attorney, all you can get is cops to do a wellness check who frankly won't do anything unless there's a danger, and I can get my psychiatrist to vouch I'm fine with your so called "threat" you think I did. Well guess what? That wasn't a threat at all or some stupid shit like that. I've asked people and they're confused. And I've never been a daughter to you? Well guess what you've never been a mom because I lost my mom when grandma died too because you've never been one.
Oh and saying shit when I ask for support like "oh what do you want me to say go...." I'm not going to say the rest before I bet people can guess.
Then you text to me say goodnight nightly like nothing is wrong. Like you did nothing. You even said you have no responsibility for anything. You even said you're confused as to how you're responsible. Remember the 6yrs of lawsuits you put me through when I begged crying not to do them against the man who molested and ****** me? Well that caused 6 additional years of trauma. And you said I had to do it for you and dad because you were hurt too. Well what about me? The one who lived through that shit? The one was relentlessly attacked by attorneys? The one who blames themselves still because you put blame on me by saying I gave you PTSD? When I wouldn't even wish this shit on him. Why am I the only one at fault here? WHY? Because you can't understand how a 15-16yo can be manipulated and groomed by a 50yo to hate their parents? Because you can't understand how it was traumatic? Well guess what I said no a couple times and learned fast it wouldn't go my way. I did say yes to a lot of things and blame myself to this day. 13yrs later.
Then to add the cherry on top, my brother had a fucked childhood cause of me. He told me he witnessed all the arguments and had to see that. My mom told me some lady yelled at them in a store due to what happened with that man or something I said and he was there. He went to his school counselor crying why his sister was always mad at the family. And worse. Yeah I know I fucked his childhood thanks for the reminder.

If anyone read all this, thanks and I apologize if it was triggering. I tried my best to warn people. I am struggling but trying my best and that's all I got right now. There is more to what my parents have said and done. I don't know how to handle it anymore or handle people defending them. This also doesn't cover the stuff I've been through with doctors the past few weeks or a lot of other stuff that has happened. It's been hell. My counselor seriously didn't think there'd be an emergency last Monday, and over a week later hell has just gotten a lot warmer, between the pain getting extremely worse, my parents and other things. I think I better just settle in and accept it by now. As a song from Bring Me The Horizon says: Even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.

#CPTSD #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #Autism #Autistic #PanicDisorder #toxicparents #SexualAbuse #SuicidalThoughts #Fibromyalgia #CFS #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicFatigue #EmotionalAbuse #Advice #help #Arthritis #MedicalTrauma #counselors #SexualTrauma #ChidlhoodTrauma

With all this stress and the pressure of everyday life it seems like I can't do it somedays. There's just too much going on right now. The constant stress is wearing me down physically, mentally and emotionally. Somedays I just want to sleep all day and ignore my responsibilities. I know this isn't possible so I have to keep moving. Just keep going about life like I'm okay which I am used to. When I was being abused no one knew until I said something because I acted like everything was okay. It's the same with depression. I hate not having any stability in between episodes. I'm so tired and just don't know what to do.

I feel trapped and yet I have to keep moving. Being where I'm at right now is hell. Every time I attempt to move on and put something behind me something else comes up. It's like a circle that I keep going round. It feeds my self loathing and low self esteem. The crying spells are becoming more frequent and even when I make attempts to calm down or manage the depression nothing seems to be working. Yes I want to learn from all of this and find a blessing in it. So far though I've had no such luck.

I try to use my therapy skills and grounding techniques but they can't relieve the pain I feel. The sense of sadness, self loathing and anxiety that I feel right now is overwhelming. I want to face what I have to with strength and grace but my faith is being tested and so is my ability to show myself grace. I have a support system, therapist and medications but I just feel so lost. I'm still tired. The mental and emotional exhaustion is more than the physical exhaustion. I can sleep all day but the stress that I am under makes it hard to work, socialize and do everyday things.

I know those of you with depression can understand. It's crippling at times and yet I have to fake a smile. Do my job and act okay. I just want to be understood. I didn't mean to rant but I've been feeling this way for a while. I just don't know what else to do at this point. I don't want to go down a dark path. I've worked so hard to overcome my tendencies to self harm and I've only attempted suicide once. I don't want to go to that dark and lonely place again. Please help.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #lost #help #Depression #Anxiety