emotional abuse

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My Mom triggers anxiety for me, even ahead of time, like when I know I need to call her or that she’s planning to come to town. Do any of you experience something similar and still interact with said parent? If so, how do you manage the anxiety when you do plan to see or talk with them?

#MentalHealth #EmotionalAbuse #Relationships #Anxiety

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I have a tendency to place unjust blame on myself which then leads a pervasive sense of shame. Which in turn leads to me incorrectly believing that everyone is mad at me for everything. If someone slightly changes their tone of voice for example I often think they're annoyed or even angry with me. Usually I'm wrong though. Before I realize I'm wrong I often go into an anxiety attack brought on by having my PTSD triggered or I go emotionally numb. I shut people out, even when they want to help. I become distrustful and figure that if I just keep to myself then I don't have to risk being hurt again. This vicious cycle has been occupying my life currently. I've been working really hard to tell myself that not everything bad that happens is my fault, or that not everyone is mad at me. When I think someone is mad at me I almost revert to a younger state of mind. I lock myself away because I learned early on that if I just complied then everything would be relatively okay. Even when I froze and fawned while being sexually assaulted, I had the same mindset. This mindset has followed me around for most of my life. The sexual abuse I went through as a child combined with the emotional abuse created a pervasive sense of shame and endless guilt. I typically focus on the sexual abuse because it's what is most recent in my memory. However I want to try unpacking the emotional abuse too. It sounds weird to say that I was emotionally abused as well. What does that even mean? I suppose this vicious cycle of self-hate, self-blame, anxiety and endless guilt stems from both forms of abuse. I was wondering how I could begin unpacking it. I just wish I could handle the situation better rather than having it occupy my life. I guess the first step is even realizing it happened, then naming it. I just wish it wasn't so intense sometimes.

#PTSD #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #SexualAssault #EmotionalAbuse #Trauma #Healing #struggling #NeedSupport

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It just keeps getting worse

#Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #ChronicFatigue #EmotionalAbuse #Abuse

Today has been rough. This month I have been demoted, been super stressed about bills and having to deal with my fiancé. I'm tired of the fighting and screaming. Today he yelled at me for the millionth time. He has his own demons to deal with but I find myself stuck with and emotionally abusive man AGAIN. In 2019 I moved to an entirely different state after dealing with emotional abuse for 10 years. This time is a little different because he has a medical diagnosis. He has an appt with a psychologist in November and I'm willing to deal with this to see if things will get any better after seeing this DR but I am in no way doing years of emotional abuse again. I love him so much but I need to love myself as well. I hate feeling stuck. I just want to know why i keep attracting abusive men. I never thought in my life I'd go through it, let alone a second time. I just know being screamed at and being constantly depressed or sad is only making me have more painful flare ups and it's making everything else worse like my anxiety and fatigue. I feel so alone. I just want to be happy again. Happy for real. Even if this means I'm better off alone.

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He rescued me...

Until his mental and psychological abuse started taking over. Now it feels worse than the physical abuse I received from other men. Bruises heal, words stay on replay in your mind forever. I had a full on breakdown not that long ago and some of the things he said to me after that were just too much. He calls me mean and nasty, he calls me a bitch, he's said I'm "a piece of work", a pathological liar... He said something about my body not long ago that makes me feel a million times more self conscious than I did before he ever said those words to me. He treats me more like a maid or that I'm an ordinary person and not his wife and constantly says he's going to leave and/or divorce me if I don't get our house "in order" and do it pretty much by myself because that's my "job" as a stay at home wife and mother. The depression, sadness and defeat I feel is the worse I have ever felt in my life. I don't know who this man is anymore. I cry every day, multiple times a day. The panic/anxiety attacks are unreal and I have to hide them the best I can because if I take even take my dr prescribed medication, he'll still call me an addict, but he can have alcohol...how the hell does that work?? I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest 24 hours a day. Of course he can talk trash to me, be condescending, narcissistic, conniving, call me names, get in my face, have an attitude or yell at me but God forbid I stand up for myself...

#Narcisist #verbalabuse #Controlling #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #selfconcious #Depression #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #worthless #unloved #PTSD

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New Me?? *trigger warning*

I'm feeling a little down today. Nothing like usual, just a little off. Sometimes this happens before the shit hits the fan, so I'm anxiously anticipating that. I feel like I live in a pinball machine, bouncing off the walls and bumpers and glass, however, today I'm just slipping along the sides and avoiding all of the obstacles. It's not a very good analogy, but it makes the most sense to me. I am asking myself if this is 'regular' or 'level' ... I can't remember the last time I felt this way.

I started a new medication (both new to me, my p-doc, and to the market) about six weeks ago.The new med belongs to a group of drugs called an atypical antipsychotic that also has an antidepressant effect. For the first time in over 40 years, I haven't had suicidal ideation every single day! It took me a couple days to realize I hadn't thought about it and it really threw me off. You have to realize that that line of thinking has been my life. Every. Single. Day. It has always been my go-to; the only thing that I felt I had control over. My p-doc is astounded at how I've turned around. He decided to wean me off of the antidepressant I was currently on. I've noticed that I'm a little more snappy; my patience level has changed, though, for the better. I think I'm being shown that I can deal with my illness, and that it's time for me to put in a little mindfulness and being more conscious of my mood, and the ways I choose to deal with those feelings.

To put it in nutshell, I'm terrified that this is only going to be a quick fix, that it won't work, or that it will work but there's a HUGE crash coming. I'm just really afraid. I'm trying hard to stick to today and not give thought to tomorrow, but I can't just flip the switch that's been on for so long.

I really hope we're onto something here. It has been nice not to spend so much time thinking about and planning my demise.

Thank you for always listening. It's nice to have this community's support, understanding and sometimes a well-placed foot to the butt.

#Abuse #Addiction #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ChildhoodAbuse #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #Depression #EmotionalAbuse #Hypomania #MentalHealth #MightyPets #neglect #OurSideOfSuicide #PTSD #Relationships #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #Suicidethoughts #Survivor #Trauma @dannygautamawellness

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Sweet Sinead

So sad that Sinead O'Connor died due to mental health issues. Some will call it 'committing' suicide, that she completed a selfish act, and who knows what else. Sinead died by suicide, her last moment in a tragic life filled with trauma, pain, devastation, grief, and instability. Let us not focus on her means of death, rather the mental health demons that ate away at her and caused her demise. Many of us deal with the same issues she did, and many are a tiny step away from her death. Listen when someone says they're not feeling right, give a call or text when a friend has been off the radar for a while. We can all help people who are suffering. Any words or actions you choose can help someone get past that moment of just not wanting to be here. Be patient, compassionate and caring. Be kind. ❤

#Abuse #Addiction #Anxiety #Bipolar2 #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ChildhoodAbuse #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Depression #EmotionalAbuse #Hypomania #MentalHealth #MightyPets #neglect #OurSideOfSuicide #PTSD #Relationships #SubstanceRelatedDisorders #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicideSurvivors #Suicidethoughts #Survivor #Trauma

81 reactions 9 comments

What Just Happened, and what do I do now?

Hello all. I don't even know where to begin. I have been in an abusive relationship throughout most of my life. Codependency, emotional and mental abuse from my parents, sister, friends, school teachers, and most employers. I have also been in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship with my wife for almost 10 years. It will be on the 11th. We had decided to take a, much needed, break from each other for 1 month while she went to visit her brother in another state. I had recently been denied social security disability, so I was going to use the time to try to figure out how to get work. I was not expecting the slew of emotions that flooded in after they left. They being my wife and two little boys. I had been trying to get on disability without a job for the past 4 years, as was required of me by my disability attorneys. They told me it would “better my chances of getting on disability if I didn’t have a job”. In the meantime, my parents were having to pay for our lives, out of pocket while we waited for absolutely nothing to come out of this whole exhausting, and traumatizing process for years on end. Well, this created one heck of an employment gap which I’m still dealing with today. It had been so long since I just had free time to do what I really wanted or needed to do that I didn’t know what to do with it. I was just frozen and dysfunctional. This was supposed to be a freeing time for me to have the quiet and space to get some R&R, and employment of some kind. While my wife and boys were away, I never felt truly free enough to enjoy the time and space I had to myself as I really needed to. I just kept stopping myself most of the time saying internally, “No, I shouldn’t do that or move that. They’ll be home after a while and she’ll get upset about it”. In order to break things up a little bit, while I waited for them to come home, I went on a much-needed vacation to a state I loved being in and thought it would be a good investment into myself so I could come back refreshed and better than when I left. Well, a few things went majorly wrong which made it very, very stressful so that didn't help much at all. I came back more stressed than when I left! I was left with about two weeks to find and get work before they came back which made that part even more hyper stressful than it was before I went on my trip! Y'all are probably wondering, if I am having money trouble and don't have much of it then why in on earth did I decide to go on a trip? The answer is that it had been almost three years since I actually went on a trip. And that trip before was a complete disaster! I took my family on that one and I was constantly trying to function while in fight or flight mode the whole time. We ended up having a pretty major fight/argument and that tainted the trip. I didn't see it at the time but I was falling apart at the seams. Anyway, it seems I'm unintentionally writing a book here so I'll get to the point. A little over a month ago, my wife and I had a Pretty major fight in front of the kids(poor things). This in turn lead to my wife wanting to get a divorce and kids leaving me and moving to her brother's house in another state. The good news is neither one of us has to endure each other 's abuse of one another anymore, but the bad news is my family is several 100 miles away from me and the only way I can see them is through FaceTime. We were abrasive and abusive to each other, two different for one another. We both gave it our all to the point of losing ourselves in the midst of it. Right now, as I'm writing this, I feel emotionally raw and still in shock from what happened. Earlier in our marriage my wife vowed to me that she would never leave me no matter what. I guess she was unable to keep her word under these circumstances. I don't want to paint either one of us out to be a demon, because that's not my goal here, but I do want to say that I wasn't the only one being abusive. I am autistic and my wife's actions caused a chain reaction to occur that was pretty out of control for me. She came home in a bad mood, tired, unappreciative, emotionally-cold, and outright mean. Two days before she came home, she told me that they were in the “planning phases” Of coming home. Within the next few minutes while on that same phone call, she told me that they'll be home in two days. I was wanting to make our home a very nice, clean, and inviting place for her to come home to. Totally stress free. I thought I would have more time to get the house ready but I was kind of lied to about the time frame which made me very stressed out. With the time I had I worked my **** off to get things ready for her and the boys. I had a very long list, for me, of things that need to be done. So I raced to get those things done as fast as I humanly possibly could. After she got home, she showed no appreciation for all the hard work I put in to creating a nice place for her and the boys to come home to. This is where the major fight originated from. She had the look of disgust on her face while looking at a nice, clean, and orderly home. Her and the boys trashed the house within minutes of arriving. I don't know this for sure but, I believe she was upset because I wasn't able to get a job while she was away. Even though, I had worked very hard at jobs in the past and it made no difference to her. I still got thrown under the bus and disrespected for no apparent reason. I feel so messed up from the fallout of all of this that I don't know who I am, I don't know how to act, and I don't know what to do because it is excruciatingly difficult to get and keep a job as an autistic person. This was one of the biggest reasons I needed to apply for disability in the first place, is because of my autism! I now live in an overly large home, for just me, after moving to the country so my boys will have room to run and play, and just be boys. My neighbors who were at first friendly are now very cold and distant towards me. To the point that they will go inside their homes if I'm outside in my yard. I'm not a bad person. I don't mean anybody any harm at all. I don't have a criminal record. So that part makes it more difficult to live here. From what I gather about people around here is: if you don't have lucrative work then you don't mean anything to them which I think is very shallow and childish of them. I hope I'm wrong, but it sure seems that way from my point of view. We moved 1 1/2 hours from our previous location. I'm now in a somewhat remote part of the state without much, if any, support system to help me through this. I have found it very difficult to make friends here. There seems to be an unwritten mentality that if they don't know you then you're not safe to be around or talk to. They seem majorly over afraid of everybody and everything. I can relate to a certain extent considering what happened within the last couple of years but at some point I would think people would choose to be human again. I don't know if it's like this and other parts of the country but they, although seemingly nice, can be very standoffish. I could go on but I don't wanna write a novel so I'll leave it at this. Sorry this is so lengthy. I haven't been on the Mighty in a very long time.#Autism #Narcassistic #EmotionalAbuse #mentalabuse #Depression #Undiagnosed #CPTSD

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This is me

A bit more than a year ago I stepped out of an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. I had given up so much of myself for the relationship that, once it ended, I wasn't sure anymore who I was or what my purpose is. I've suffered through terribly dark days, wishing for death to come, only being held back by the thought of my dear ginger cat, Eddie. Any advice from people who have been through similar situations? #Depression #EmotionalAbuse #gaslight

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Frustrated, Depressed and Hopeful at the same time!


I haven't been on in a week or little more. I love all the encouragement here, and at the same time can't handle hearing others issues. Makes me feel like an azz cause he I am venting. My head is kinda messed up again and my flashbacks are back. I went to my daughter's yesterday to watch my youngest two grandsons. Actually my daughter offered to pick me up so I didn't have to walk the half mile in the heat. When I asked about my oldest grandson she informed me that he was several hours away but coming back that day as he had a severe breakdown and had to get inpatient treatment. Bipolar and Sciz (never could spell that word); my ex-husband has the first and my middle child has both. I have major anxiety and depression. She asked me not to tell anyone as it wasn't announced to outside their household. When I first heard it was like getting punched in the gut. Had to fight my head in convincing myself I was a good parent. My sons first time in inpatient he was eight. What I didn't understand until around 5 years later was that he heard voices (at very young age) that told him to hurt or ki** people. I had to learn to read his body language, moods, tone of voice and think three steps in front of him to prevent any violent outbursts. He went through trial and error will a multitude of medications before the proper cocktail was found. But he had numerous meds that he had adverse reactions to. Ranging from hand tremors, eye twitching, weight gain and seizures to name a few. He's in his middle twenties now, able to not be on any medication and is doing well. Yet he hates me for all the placements "I" put him in. Of around ten, I asked his doctor only once to please place him as I needed a break. The other times either his doctor or the school was persistent that he needed more help than what I could give. I explained to him that "his behavior is what sent him each time I had to take him. All I did was sign the paperwork. Back then I was afraid if I hadn't taken him for the help I know he needed that the school or doctors could have him taken from my care.
So now my grandson is facing the same hard road. My daughter also has more milder Bipolar yet is in denial. From what my daughter told me was that her and her wife had gotten into a huge disagreement/fight and my oldest grandson lost it. My daughter-in-law is staying at her parents and they are leaving for a 3 night 4 day family vacation as planned. When they returned will be going into counseling for the family. My son's actually live together and last week I received several phone calls from the youngest fiance saying they were fighting will the first one saying they were close to becoming physical. I had already been on my way there but after that phone call disregarded the actual speed limit and made my own. Surprised her when I got there sooner than expected. The third call came in the midst of my severe head cold and was miserable. My oldest called and after I talked with them both over the phone I told them I am not coming as I could not safely drive, that they are both adults they need to figure it out themselves and the needed to grow the **** up.
Today I drove a friend to run some errands and he triggered me but I could control my reactions. He tells me every time I take him somewhere that he has PTSD when riding in a car. So he's saying; your speeding, slow down (only once was I going more than 5 over the limit). Grabbing the handle at different times, etc. I explained that I understand PTSD and I'm actually a very good driver. When I asked where his ptsd came from, he said he didn't really know as he hadn't been in an accident unless it was when he was little and don't remember. But my ex (abuser) would constantly criticize my driving. Yelling even, and threatening. Once he made me pull over as he said I turned the corner at the light wrong and he was driving. Well, let's just say that was the second time he made me walk home.
On a lighter note, I should be getting my apartment soon. I'm praying it's this week. I will be calling the lady in the morning and asking when I'm supposed to come sign my paperwork so I can move in. I'm so tired of couch hopping. Carrying my things that I'll need for several days everywhere I go. Been doing that since end of January. As grateful as I am that I've been able to do that and not be out on the street, it's old. I'm old! Or at least my body is.
I was talking to my uncle the other day and I told him that I had written down everything I've been diagnosed with because I always forget and just tell the doctor that I've listed the major issues. But with listing my hearing loss and requiring glasses to plantar facility's to carpal tunnel syndrome to hEDS to C-PTSD I have been diagnosed with 47 different things. When I go for my yearly physical next month my doctor isn't going to be happy because I haven't gotten my mammogram or my colonoscopy done. But as I told my uncle, my head can NOT handle knowing anything else is wrong with me. I don't let any of them define who I am. Yet in some ways they do. My triggers for my flashbacks define me, as does my anxiety and pain. Everyday those 3 I deal with 24/7. I'm like trust me I know I have medical issues, major non life threatening one. Even if I did take those tests and they found something wrong, I don't know that I would take measures in trying to make things better.
Every year for the past 45 years I had been diagnosed with something new because my body is slowly deteriorating. This past year, I've gotten 4 new diagnosises. When I asked my uncle if he had seen where I gave his birthday wishes he said yes and thanked me. Then we were talking about age and medical problems. I told him that I don't want to live to be his age (73) I'm 52 because of how my body already is. Yet I want to live and see my grandsons grow into men. It's days where I allow myself to think deeply about myself that ... it's just very depressing. I always bring myself back up to being positive.
I do apologize this is pretty long. But I thank you for allowing me to express myself and vent. I appreciate you all for reading it through. May God Bless each and everyone of you! #PTSD #c -PTSD #ChronicPain #ChronicIllnessEDS #MentalHealth #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #EmotionalAbuse

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'I'm addicted to my toxic ex' - A Long Rant

I share a trauma bond with my ex.....whom i broke up with twice already and now we're 'friends'. Even my friends have noticed and told me that i look drained every time i come back from meeting him. I start isolatinf myself and after a week of on and off staying over at his place, the day he left the city, i came back to my room and had a full blown hour long anxiety attack.
During the relationship, he would be all cute and ask me to buy him gifts, and keep them a surprise. I asked for gifts too, something small enough to carry around with me. Something that would remind me of him and help me ground myself.
After the break up, i have started giving my more gifts, buying randoms things for myself and asking him if he wants them. Today I asked him to order me dinner and surprise me. He was too tired to order me food and said he'll send me the money so i can order anything i want. I said no and added on (that he texted to me later) - "Oh yeah right you don't believe in gifts and gestures". Last night i realised i don't need gifts from him to feel appreciated and i apologised and called myself 'petty' for continuously asking for gifts (which i have still not gotten, NO GIFT IN OUR 9 MONTH LONG RELATIONSHIP).

My self esteem made me defend myself on how his taunt and blame are hurtful. I stood my ground and yet when the conversation ended, i had this intense fear and pain in my chest. I can't stop crying, I'm ducking angry and scared of him at the same time, yet i crave his kindness, validation and time. I keep going back. My therapist specifically told me not to be in contact with him, told me how and what aspects of my life he's affecting (negatively).

And yet i go back. A week, two weeks, three weeks of silence, withdrawal hits, i open my phone and type in his number. I'm so tired of this cyclical emotional abuse.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #EmotionalAbuse #AbusiveRelationship #Depression #Anxiety #Dissociation

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