Timeoffwork

I don't have a diagnosis but I've known for well over a decade that something is "wrong". Whenever I feel bad enough to actually go to my doctors to seek help - which I always find hard to ask for - they always seem to be trying to rush me out of the door like they can't be bothered to deal with me because I don't know what the cause is. I think long and hard about what I need to tell them and inevitably don't get it out because I feel like they're not listening and are trying to speed through the appointment. I usually get told to go for more blood tests and end up with either iron or vitamin D tablets. Like a deficiency in my blood is making me believe I don't belong in this world and question whether I want to be alive? The tablets never help.
Things have gotten worse than ever this year. I think about dying a lot. And thoughts of suicide have finally started to creep in after dodging them for so long. I took a week or two off of work at the beginning of the year to try and deal with things. A couple of months later I found out that my long term, live-in boyfriend cheated on me while I was going through that, at my lowest point when I needed support the most. Since then everything has just been a rollercoaster. Not a fun one.
On top of everything else I have done a lot of research and have reason to believe I've been living with undiagnosed ADHD or something similar.
I need help. I want answers. I am tired of always feeling lost and confused. But I feel like with working full time I never have the time or energy to focus on myself properly. I'm scared to take time off of work because I don't know how I can afford to live, but I'm also scared to keep going to work because of these thoughts of not even wanting to live anyway that are never being dealt with.

Should I take time off to try and get a psychological analysis and explore what may be causing these feelings? Or will potentially putting myself in financial jeopardy only make things worse? Please let me know if you've dealt with something similar.

#Depression #Anxiety #SuicidalIdeation #ADHD #Undiagnosed #Timeoffwork #Askingforhelp

So back in may I took two weeks off and got a sick note for my depression. Then the day before I was due to go back my grandad died (whom I was very close with). I tried to go back to work the next day but could only get through a few hours before bursting into tears and colleagues telling me to go home (which I did and took the Wednesday off too). Then went back into work on the Thursday and was fine being back at work. (I worked Tuesday-Saturday as I work in a hairdressers) that week is been asked to work Monday and have Tuesday as my day off and went back on Wednesday (every Wednesday I go to college as in training to be a hairdresser so 4 days in salon and 1 day at college) but then I took Thursday as my day off and worked Friday-Saturday. This week I took Tuesday off for my grandad’s funeral and today was supposed to be in college but I claimed that my grandad’s funeral took more out of me than I expected. Although that’s true when I woke up today I just couldn’t get out of bed and just wanted to go back to sleep, to be fair I only had 4 and a half hours yesterday because I was too depressed/anxious to go to sleep on Monday night and I did get 9 hours sleep last night but I think my depression just got to me this morning. I know I need to stop taking time off and I’m going to try and be in for the entire week next week I’m just really really anxious about all this time off I’ve had recently and even my fiancé telling me I need to stop having time off “even though it’s for good reasons most workplaces won’t see it like that”. My mum works at a hospital as a training nursing assistant and she’s probably had more time off than me these past few months dog similar issues (it was her dad that died 3 weeks ago) and she suffers from schizo-affective disorder so she’s been quite suicidal recently and had sick notes off for that as stress often makes her worse and her workplace has been really understanding and my bosses haven’t really said anything and have been supportive but I’m worried they’re going to get tired of all these sick days has they have fired someone a while ago for taking so much time off (she’s also come back to work there now and continued her training at our salon but takes a lot of days off for her illness). Like I said I’m just really anxious that I’m going to get fired for taking so much time off as my fiancé’s made me worry more about it. I know he means well but sometimes when he says things like that he doesn’t realise how much that can panic me, he didn’t say I couldn’t be fired but it seemed like that’s what he was implying (he had said sorry recently for it but still has me worrying). #grieving #Grief #Work #Timeoffwork #Sadness