Mourning

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    Life can be short, life can be fragile and fleeting, yet life is a blessing, and those whose lives are taken from us leave us memories that cannot die

    I just heard some difficult news. A dear friend who I know has been struggling fighting serious health problems just told me they have a limited time left to live. It has reminded me how precious life is, how beautiful life is, how short lives can be, how fleeting our good health can be and how unfair life can be. As loved ones become ill and their health diminishes those of us close to them can feel helpless and just wish there was something we could do to lessen their pain, to alleviate their suffering, to concoct some sort of magic potion, a panacea to bring them back to good health and lengthen their lives back to that we once thought they had left.

    But there is often nothing we can say that will help as much as we would like, despite our wanting to make a difference there is nothing we can do to change things and turn fate around, nothing we can offer to help alleviate their pain and suffering and nothing we can offer their family and friends to help cushion the blow.

    As I heard the news of my friend’s declining health I was deeply saddened. They are young and can appear so vibrant and healthy, so strong and spirited …but I have known the truth, known their days were numbered…however I thought they had years to live, instead they just told me it is months, even weeks or days.

    I just want to give them a big, deep, comforting, loving hug … but alas, life has them hours away. Life that is so fleeting for them has us separated by space that a hug can’t travel. It's just a virtual hug that I can offer. It’s a lot, but sadly I feel like it’s not enough.

    I can only send my love and support through words. Yet I know this can make a difference. I know from first hand experience that thoughts and prayers can travel through a phone call, cyberspace and through intention and belief…but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. It just doesn’t seem fair. It seems like there is a void that cannot be filled.

    So I will keep them in my thoughts and prayers. Those words can seem hollow and often insignificant because they are shared so often that they don’t seem to mean enough anymore… but I will think about them a lot, I will pray for them, I will send my blessings that they don’t suffer, that they are not in pain, that they can enjoy every moment left in their life, that their joy and spirit will give them strength to live their remaining life to its fullest as much as they can.

    I will deeply mourn the loss of this friend, I will mourn the loss of a young life cut short, I will mourn someone I will not be able to hug… but I also know that they would want me to celebrate their life, celebrate the joy and exuberance they lived that life with, celebrate all the ways they touched others and made a difference in our lives. I will celebrate them, celebrate life … even if it can be short. I will celebrate their spirit and the memories that cannot be taken away. That part of their life is left with us all …forever!

    #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Disability #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Selflove #Selfcare #PTSD #COVID19 #Migraine #Headache #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #HIVAIDS #longtermsurvivor #RareDisease #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #Cancer #IfYouFeelHopeless #Hope #relief #Joy #happy #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MightyMinute #mentalhealthwarrior #Grief #LossOfAParent #LossOfAChild #ChildLoss #Death #Mourning #sad #worry #Fear

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    What do you do keep going? I'm so tired of this

    #Depression #makeitstop #anger #Pain #Mourning #suicidalnotsuicidal #struggling

    I've had depression almost as far back as I can remember. Wasn't diagnosed until after a parents suicide in my early 20s. I'm 45 now and have been struggling a lot the past year or so. honestly I really tired of being negative all time. I fell like I am bringing everyone else down with me. I've been having trouble controlling my anger too, something I'm not even sure where its coming from, sometimes its an obvious event, other times its just not being able to focus to send an email. I feel like everything is a struggle just to function 'normal' (event though there is no normal). I have never been one to shy away from telling others that I have depression and have always been an advocate to bring more awareness.

    However this past year is taking its toll. Had to say goodbye to my dog/bestfriend/companion of 12 years years in June and I miss him more than anything. The fall/winter has always been the most most difficult time for me (there are about 8 friends/family members that have died in December alone (including my fathers suicide a week after his birthday); thanksgiving was the last time I saw/talked with him about 2 weeks prior to his death.

    I'm scared of what the next couple of months will bring, who I will hurt, what property I may break. I do not have a positive outlook and can't see a future anymore. It's not really my pain I want to end, it's the pain i am causing to those around me that i need to stop

    Everyone says to talk to someone, I feel like I have talked to so many therapists, counselors, friends , family , doctors and I still keep struggling. True some days are better/worse than others. I don't like to be around anyone anymore because I am that bump on a log around everyone, I am the one that never really has anything nice to say. I am the one lashes out in an argument and burns bridges. I am the one that causes a scene. I feel as I am the problem since I am the common denominator. I've lost so many friends, family member don't include me anymore. No one called for my birthday or my dogs passing besides my best-friend from high school and my boss (not my mother, sister, or cousins, or "friends").

    I cant focus anymore enough to get anything accomplished. I feel like I'm dragging everyone and everything down with me. I am a sinking ship. I've never really been suicidal before but think it's inevitable at this point. I'm just tired of hurting people, so tired of this. I know if/when I die it will hurt those I love, but I cant see how my death would be worse than me continually hurting them the rest of my life. At least I wouldn't make things worse than they would be if I were around. So far I've been too chicken, but started thinking about a lot more.

    How do you get this never-ending rollercoaster to stop?

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    The Power of Love

    How do I put into words what it is that I am feeling right now? I am confused and wishing I could be just neutral.

    I went shopping a little while ago, and on my way home my husband called me. He told me I should not have went shopping and spent money. I bought him some things for father's day and when I mentioned I got him some things, he became upset. It is because I don't have a job. He was upset with me about us having one income and going shopping.

    He told me to not put up roadblocks into me finding a job, or doing what it is that I want to do. Professionalism is not something that comes easy for me, and with my mental health issues it's harder than that of a person without them. It is not an excuse to stay where I am, but it does not make it as easy as someone else's level of difficulty. I know everyone experiences difficulties. I swear it will be OK. I just have to find something that I love to do and go for it.

    Today is a day of mixed emotions. It's driving me nuts... But it's something that I have to deal with. I am hoping for a better tomorrow since today is a Mix of a Mess and a Blessing.

    Take Care.

    #Love #Trying #iamhere #sad #happy #MixedMood #Depression #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #jobless #lonely #notalone #up &Down #PanicAttack #PanicDisorder #Crazy #Wild #calm #confused #shoppingaddiction #Mourning #grieving #Grief #FathersDay #dowhatyoulove #lovewhatyoudo #Loveislove #PrideMonth #Trying #doing

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    Letter to my brother

    This is a letter I wrote to my brother after he had passed. I gave this to him before he was buried.

    “I am going to miss you so much. I’m going to miss our weekly phone calls after work. It was something I would look forward to because I couldn’t wait to tell you something or talk about our favorite tv show or a new movie. I’m going to miss laughing with you and being a complete weirdo. Not a lot of people got to see that side of me but you were the very first. You made me feel loved. There is no doubt in my mind or heart that you loved me. I felt it all the time. I am so hurt and heartbroken by your choice to take your life. But I want you to know that I forgive you. I blame depression, heartbreak, and pain. I know that you were going through hell. I know my true authentic brother wouldn’t want to leave us behind. You truly are a good person. I’m often thinking that you are a better person than me. The many relationships you have maintained since you were a little boy, to the kindness you show to a stranger is so much more than I could ever do. I wish you could have seen yourself through everyone’s eyes. You were, are, and will always be loved by many. I really don’t know how I’m going to continue life without you and it hurts so bad imagining you not in it, but I know that life does have to go on and I will try so hard to keep going. We have to keep pushing and living for you. I know that you want us to keep living and I know you don’t want us to hurt - it wasn’t your intention to hurt us. I just hope that some day I will be able to receive peace. Peace for the loss of your life and peace for how you took it. I know that your suicide, suicide attempts, and those last 3 weeks will haunt me for a long time to come, but I hope to have peace some day. I cry as I’m writing this letter because this is something I never wanted to do. I never wanted it to come to this. I know you told me that the pain I would feel when your gone is exactly how you are feeling, and at the time it made me angry and I’m not going to lie I still don’t like it, but I now i understand… and I’m so sad you couldn’t pull out of that darkness. I fought so hard for you and I did everything I knew to do to help you. I knew deep, deep down that you would eventually take your life but it’s still hard to accept… I just want you to know that you were truly the best big brother and I loved you SO much more than any words can describe. I hope you will be able the hear these words from my heart and I hope that someday you will be able to show yourself to me. Show me that you are still with me, I need a sign - maybe show me you a close by giving me goosebumps or as something I can physically see. You can choose. I miss you so much!!! I love you. I can’t wait to hug you and laugh with you again some day. I will be writing you often, so this is not the last time you hear from me - I hope you will be able to hear my words and feel my love in heaven. May you Rest In Peace sweet Brother. “

    #Depression #SiblingLoss #Mourning #NationalSuicidePreventionWeek #Death

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    Missing my Dad

    What do I do when I feel like a piece of me died with him? I miss my #Dad more than anything. I am #hesrtbroken and thinking about the days he and I went to #MagicKingdom together and all the #DisneyWorld magic that we had in our hearts. This lives on with me.

    I miss you Dad..

    #Brokenhearted
    #sad
    #imissmydad
    #Mourning
    #Grief
    #Parentloss
    #Florida
    #Death
    #stayingstrong

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    At The Bottom Of The Well

    I’m at the bottom of a dark, deep well. Can anyone hear me? Does anyone care? Moved three times in 2 years, lost my toxic Mom in October, my bully brother is managing her estate & has been bullying me, had an aggressive landlord, a major flood, no heat, moved to a country farmhouse that needed work but due to housing shortage was desparate, got scammed by two contractors working together, they ripped the place apart, discovered it to be uninhabitable and got ran out of town by the landlord, my stuff is in the garage, I am homeless, left my teen living with their Godmother, lived in a motel for a week, left to another country to stay with my grouchy, bitchy husband who has 0 empathy, we finally talked about divorce, now I moved out of there since I can’t sleep, going back to US in April but will still be homeless, feeling totally lost, totally adrift, totally unloved (except for my dog and my teen), feeling like I don’t have what it takes for this modern life and unkind, dishonest people. Trying to stay strong. #erlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #Depression , #Anxiety , #CPTSD , #Mourning , #ChronicPain

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    Thoughts of suicide were always my "go to" thoughts when depression felt like too much.
    I have learned lately, suicide, while it may pop in my head, will never be my answer.
    I lost my mom November 26th, 21 and I lost my boyfriend of 10 years on January 7th, 22. I am in mourning, my heart is broken, it hurts, I'm depressed and I have covid.
    So, I know there are people out there who love me just as much as I loved my mom and boyfriend. I would never want to make anyone ever feel the way I feel now. Therefore I will never choose suicide as an answer.
    #Suicide #Depression #Mourning #Loss

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    Finding it hard to craft

    Ever since my mom passed away a year ago (almost to the day) I haven’t been able to pick up scissors. It used to be “our” thing we did together, went on retreats or mostly over FaceTime. It’s just not the same. Now it’s sad + lonely. I don’t feel creative or inspired to even wake up in the morning let alone but my heart back out there again!! #Mourning #Grief #handmade #Loss #sad #Depression #crafts #scrapbook #mom

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    Hard Day for all of us!

    Today is one year since we had to do the hardest thing! We had to let you go so you didn't suffer anymore. You were the most loyalist dog, that you rather suffer then cross the rainbow bridge! No word of a lie, he could barely walk but he still wanted and did walk our last walk to the garbage bin. He did that to protect me. I tried to stop him but he knew how to open the door. So no stopping him.
    We made sure he had the best last week, he had family and friends come see him to say goodbye! He sure LOVED the attention!
    His last day was his family getting pictures with him and he gave all his strength for that day and we got to have some lasting memories caught on camera to have that day for life.
    I cry for you often and long for you so much! I saw a family going through the same thing as we did a year ago and I couldn't keep my tears in and I sobbed. I wanted to comfort them and tell them it gets easier but it would be a lie!
    Miss my old boy and Loki helps so much and keeps me busy but there is nothing able to fill that hole in my heart! Love you Tucker! R.I.P
    #Fibromyalgia #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #harddays #Mourning #MightyPets

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    A little break (pun intended) would be nice

    Been a rough go over the last few weeks, so tired of life not being fair. My teens lost their step-Mom. She was only 37 and died so suddenly. She loved my kids fiercely and was a good person.

    Found out I don’t currently fit criteria for acromegaly, but they are going to keep testing. Means they don’t know what is wrong with me. Weaning me off one of my medications which has caused me to go into medical crisis twice. My city has the highest Covid numbers in North America currently, so I stayed home and treated myself, but it was a bit touch and go.

    Today I fractured my foot, again, looks like tendon damage too (will know next week). Lol, the X-ray tech was like I see something on top (today’s damage), but does your foot hurt on the other side too? My fracture from 2019 hasn’t healed. Lol

    I’m so tired, but finding the silver linings and getting through the days. I have my respirator which allowed me to hold my babies tight. I saw my daughter smile as I gave her one of those blanket sweater things that are like a giant hug. My oldest and I picked his classes for next year and he got excited about his option classes. My youngest hugged me tight and said he was sorry about my foot, running around doing things for me. When life gets hard I am reminded about how much I have. Today’s sky was painted with the most beautiful colours. Life is always more good than bad. #AddisonsDisease #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #CeliacDisease #PTSD #MitochondrialDisease #MastCellActivationDisorder #Abunchofrarediseases #Mourning #tired

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