Sometimes depression isn’t dramatic. It steals the edges of your joy like an emotional head cold. Please pray for me friends as I seek a remedy, an adjustment to meds and lifestyle that will restore my joy. #Tryingtocope #notquitethereyet #NeverGiveUp
It like, having a broken arm…. everyday. Day in, day out, broken arm. It stops you from doing a lot of things, its constantly there, reminding you that its broken, you can’t get a break from it , day or night.
It makes you deathly tired, & yet it’s still there at night so you can’t even sleep, let alone get any chance to recover from it.
It is a constant.
When people ask you how you are, you smile & tell them you are fine because you don’t want to go looking like you’re seeking attention by bringing up your broken arm all the time, even though it affects everything you do & who you are. And for people who do know about it, you also stop talking about it, because after a while, people get sick of hearing replies to ‘How was your day?’ with things like ‘Well, my arm is still broken’ or ‘Its still hurting & there is so much I can’t do’ or ‘ I could really use a break from my broken arm’.
It’s not that these people are bad people in any way, it’s just that it’s natural to get sick of hearing the same thing over & over again. So you learn not to talk about it.
It’s easier to say you’re fine.
When you DO happen to touch on the subject of this broken arm, you slowly get met with more & more pushback…
Things like “It’s ok it will get better eventually’
or “Why don’t you try doing something different to get your mind off of it?” To which they continually suggest something that any person with a broken arm knows would completely exacerbate the broken arm itself…. things like “Why don’t you just go out for the afternoon?” or “ You know I’ve heard exercise is meant to make you feel better” or “Why don’t you add even more to your plate & take on something else to try & make you happy & forget about your broken arm?” … Like doing something else will magically heal it.
And there are changes in those closest to you, the ones who know it is there all the time. A change that, when you even get close to mentioning something about the pain or the brokenness or what it’s stopping you from doing…. they slowly transition into setting up this automatic reply. One they don’t even know they are doing.
It’s this mentality of automatically steering the conversation away from anything negative, like you shouldn’t be thinking that way, or that if something about the broken arm is looming, they will try to steer you away from thinking about it or mentioning it, like its the wrong thing to do.
Like you aren’t allowed to have those feelings anymore.
Like it's wrong to be feeling that way.
Like its a CHOICE to have a broken arm.
Again, it’s not that these people are bad in any way, it’s just that it’s natural for them to get sick of hearing about it, & there is frustration at their end of hearing about it all the time.
So the support you once probably had in a small part in the beginning, has now subconsciously steered towards diversion & unknowingly being told not to think that way anymore. It's like it's a choice, when it's not...it's life.
#Tryingtocope
Today I felt different than yesterday and the days before. I woke up feeling more confident within myself. I looked in the mirror and told myself how much I’ve changed. I’ve grown. I’ve survived. This is my warrior shield, I am my worrier shield if you will. I have to create creative ways for my mind and imagination part to feel connected somehow. The comparisons help me. Anyways, lately I have been feeling a little less confident. Maybe it’s because my job requires me to get dirty and sweaty and not express myself in anyway. I wear loose scrubs and a somewhat baggy shirt on me. I don’t ever feel confident when I’m at work and that is where I am 40+ hours of the week. Today, I did my makeup a little different, I put some nice clothes and jewelry and I felt so different...I felt happier to be myself and wear what made me happy and comfortable that day. I sometimes get so lost in my job that requires so much mental and physical strength to get through, and I come out crying and frustrated with myself because I’m neglecting my own self..I know I’m so many ways I could be confident but I’ve never seen it in me. Today, I went into my job to get some papers and my co-workers were like “wow, you look so good when you aren’t at work!” Or “wow, you look different when your not in your work clothes!” It made me remind myself that these people don’t even see that side of me ever. As little as I do myself.... #Confidenceneeded #Tryingtocope #Tryingtobehere
This person has influenced me like nobody else has and I miss him terribly when I shouldn’t. They’re always in my dreams and they’re someone who I think of a lot. I’m having a really hard time coping without them and I just want to see him again. #Tryingtocope #pleasehelp
#CheckInWithMe
I am trying to get out of a 5 years abusive relationship doomed by alcohol abuse (and maybe drugs) and narcisic traits. We have a co-dependent relationship that is ruining us both. Both divorced. Both with kids from pervious marriages. Both knowing that the relatioship is doing us harm but none of us can let go. We just come back to each other like nothing ever happened.
I have a severe BPD at the moment and trying to cope, as much as I can, for my two daughters.
But this damn holiday season with all the happy couples and families arround and me standing here all alone with no one to care if I can manage to have a Chrismas tree... Kinda hard to handle!
Blessings!
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