My original wedding date was September 13, 2020. We had everything planned and mostly paid for. Then Covid-19 rolls in... we agreed to postpone our wedding to September 2021. Then my aunt, who was basically my mom, she raised me.. became very ill. She had been fighting cancer for two years. I didn't know what the next year looked like, and I wanted her to be part of my day. We went ahead and got married in a very small ceremony with just our immediate family in attendance. My aunt unfortunately ended up in the hospital just days before, and was unable to attend. We had someone Skype her, and after the wedding we surprised her at the hospital (in my dress, my husband's suit, the whole shebang). She passed away in December.

The plan was always to have a "sequel" wedding, and have our big ceremony we had planned. But I can't seem to get my mind around it. I feel selfish. My husband said its almost like a "fake ceremony" because we are already married. One of my best friends is getting married a month later, and I feel like I'm taking away from her. Its not fair for me to have two weddings, right? But at the same time, I'm heartbroken, and honestly pretty jealous, because I never got those big moments. I didn't get my bridesmaids and I getting ready together. I didn't have a special moment of someone zipping my dress. We didn't get to have the big celebration we planned. Don't get me wrong, I loved our mini-money. But I'm still heartbroken. My friends either agree that its weird to have the second wedding, or they disagree and say "you deserve this!" But I absolutely do not feel like I deserve this.

If we had not already paid for almost everything for this big celebration, we would definitely cancel. But the venue, photographer, DJ, baker, dinnerware... all of that is paid for. My bridesmaids already have their dresses and shoes and accessories. If we cancel I feel its necessary to pay back everyone who has paid for something for this wedding. (Bridesmaids, the dinnerware was partially gifted, the photographer was paid for by my parents, someone bought our invitations as a gift)

I'm torn. Do I go through with this "sequel" wedding celebration, or is it selfish since we already got married? I'm beyond frustrated, and don't know what to do.

#COVID19
#Wedding
#WeddingPlanning
#Selfish
#frustration
#Anxiety