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    I don't get what I do min. Me and my mother in law are chatting and laughing then BAM next thing I know she's pissed off and rude ...not sure if at me or something else...I'm so confused ugh!! #Whiplash #confusing #FamilyMember #frustration


    ° " Sigh... People And There Misconception's Of Me " ° #Thought 's #frustration 's

    ♤ " So I Don't Get Why People Alway's Think That I'm A Very Mean Person... And A B***h Which... I'm Not Maybe Get To Know Me Better... Before You All Start.. Assuming Thing's Without Bothering To Take The Decent Time To Know Who I'am 1st... I'm A Nice Person... I'm Very Shy... But Not Very Talkative.. Unless I Know You Very Well.. Then I Will Start To Open Up... I Reserve My Anger For People Who Wish To Hurt Me Or Dismiss Me... But I'm A Good Friend... And A Listener... And An INTROVERT... If People Keep Assuming This About Me... Well Oh Well Good Luck Knowing You... I'm Not Going To Waste My Time Being Liked.. And There Are True People Who Actaully Care And Like Me... So That's All I Care About.. Take Care " ♤ #Thought 's ¡ SKADI !


    Plans and Frustration

    Just lost my therapist. Out of nowhere. She’s gone. Now I have a new one. Going to be difficult to adjust. This is why I hate opening up to therapists. They don’t last long and I end up feeling hurt and a little betrayed. #BPD

    — Ann Marie (@Anne_Marie_Art) August 29, 2022

    So my therapist is gone. No goodbyes, no explanations.

    So I checked. Turns out, she’s not gone. It was the case manager who was changed. I got angry and thrown around in emotion mind for a misunderstanding.

    I’m disappointed. I know better. I have the skills, I just did not use them. I CHOSE not to use them.

    My boyfriend thinks DBT skills are akin to lying down and being a “doormat”. I don’t think so. They make my life better. And I’d rather be effective than angry at the world.

    It’s not worth it.

    I need to stop being so reactive to small things. Actually, I need to stop being so “reactive” in general. My old therapist was right…I DO go from 0 to 100 in situations that don’t call for it.

    I spend so much time in “emotion mind” that I forget to live in the REAL world.

    I’m older now. Years older. And I hate it. So many years wasted feeling sorry for myself and my condition of life. I want more; so much more.

    I wanna write a book full of my own digital illustrations, I want to do a podcast (I have a good microphone and a decent laptop) about my struggles, I want to compose a song, take pictures of the night sky, and share my singing voice, get better at playing my instruments again. The list goes on and on.

    I feel a podcast would be a good way to educate and get things off my chest. Maybe make a spoken word film? Just videos where I read my poems?

    So many plans. So little time. #borderlinepersonality #BPD #MentalHealth #Inspiration #Life #frustration #ChronicIllness

    1 comment

    #doctorsreports #frustration #Negligence

    I received a copy of a Specialist’s report. The report is approximately 20 pages long, and it contains about 60 errors. One of the glaring errors was that I left the stove on all the time. I don’t even use the stove. This speaks to my level of competency. If I hadn’t seen the report, the error would have remained for the next health professional to use for some kind of decision. First, the Doctor said we would go through the report over the phone and fix the errors. Then she changed her mind, and she said that I should revise the report and send it in to her. How nice of her to assign the task to me of fixing her report!! To make matters worse, another Specialist, who is going to be making a critical decision about me, will not make my appointment with him, until he has seen the report, so I have no choice but to fix it. Where’s the justice in all of this?? I have enough stress in my life, without having to deal with Doctors who can’t do their jobs properly. 🤨

    1 comment

    I feel SO GUILTY

    A little over a week ago, I went to a funeral. I thought it was very important to be there for my friend . I even canceled a very important appointment. I'm glad I was there to support her but I ended up with COVID. This week my son is doing a big chunk of moving into his new apartment and I CAN'T HELP! His girlfriend is out of town for four days so she won't be around and my son is feeling so alone in this and is extremely stressed.

    This is usually when I come in. I'm the one with the experience of dealing with stress and anxiety. I'm the one who understands and can speak to his crazy emotions.

    But I can't be there. I feel so helpless and guilty. I should be there for him. The best I can do is provide phone and video support but that's pretty limited. I wish there was some way I could talk my way out of this one but that doesn't take away the COVID.

    #Anxiety #beingamom #frustration #COVID19


    It feels like it's the world against me

    For the last couple of days it feels like there is an invisible force that is separating me from everyone else. And today, I couldn't hide my anger. First, at home, I found a roach on the ceiling and my mom and I were trying to get rid of it. It ended up getting away somewhere and in the midst of this happening, she says that I'm "useless". I know that she didn't mean it in a demeaning way, but it still hurt. I was hoping to move past it, but I couldn't fight the tears. Then, at work, I can just feel a shift in how other people treated me. Everyone seemed to be cool with each other and they would be short with me. So that, on top of being the odd man out most of the time, I literally couldn't do the "good girl act" anymore. And I'm the type of person where if I'm upset, I won't talk nor will I respond to you. I also notice that when they pick up on that, they will leave me alone or are cautious when I'm around. I'm trying to cool down at the moment, but once I'm at a place of anger or frustration, it's hard for me to come down from that. I'll start hating everything and everyone because of that. It's a bad place to be in, but it feels comfortable after a while. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #anger #hurtfeelings #Hatred #frustration


    Why don’t they care?

    This requires some background. I was diagnosed with FND (Functional Neurological Disorder) in 2017. For those not in the know, that means that the emotional portion of my brain (specifically the amygdala) has a very strong pathway connected to my involuntary functions, brain stem, speech and processing centers, and motor reflexes. My NeuroPsych thinks I was actually born with FND (usually develops due to trauma, often complex trauma in young individuals), meaning I’ve never been “normal”. But we didn’t figure any of this out until I was 33. Until I’d been taking 22 pills every morning for a host of diagnoses I didn’t actually have and the symptoms of which weren’t getting better. Doctors accused me of lying, family got upset, all of which stressed me out causing, you guessed it, more symptoms. We figured it out though, so everything should be fixed since we know what to treat right? Uh huh. Show me a life without any stress and I’ll ask what time the funeral is. I’m getting things together(ish), I’ve accepted that disability is just where I’m at. I have generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, and complex PTSD, great additions to FND. My dad at the time is dating who would become ex-wife number three.

    Dad loves me in his way, but untreated bipolar paired with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) doesn’t create the safest or stablest of environments. Their marriage imploded, because she was unstable. Anyone who attacks someone like a monkey clinging to their back and then threatens their daughter to try and force them to do what she says; unstable by my definition. Out of a year of marriage, they were together 3 months. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl, even once I saw what was happening, how damaging our relationship could be to me. So I supported him through it all. That was three years ago. She walked back into his life this spring and apparently I’m supposed to just forget it all. Pretend she’s a completely different person, forget that she put him in the ER, forget the abusive phone calls and voice messages she left on my phone to try and get at him, forget that she threatened my life if he didn’t do what she said.

    I put a boundary in place. One year. If she’s truly changed, then she’ll still be that same person a year from now, and I’ll feel safe with proof. One year with no fits, no attacks, no suicide threats or arrests, and no asking for money. That’s what the first marriage felt like, her gold digging. If she loves him, then she loves him for him and doesn’t need his money. Except he’s suddenly constantly broke. A man who has a steady monthly income that’s half what I live on in an entire year, is strained for cash. Then he starts pushing. “She says hi.” No. I said no contact. “Can’t you just say hi over the phone?” No. I said no contact. “You’re going to lose your relationship with me. I hope you understand the consequences of your actions.” This is the consequence of her actions. She threatened me, attacked you, made me feel unsafe. Now to feel comfortable, I need proof of her growth. That is a consequence of her actions. “You’re shifting the blame, you need to take responsibility.”

    That was when I pointed out that a big part of this year is because I need to protect myself. I’m overweight, making me 5x more likely than the average person to have a heart attack. I have an irregular heartbeat, making my heart more likely to have a health event. I have FND, making me 10x more likely to have a stress induced heart attack. I have severe anxiety and complex PTSD, meaning I jump and react 100x more than the average person to stress (these numbers are from my doctors). I HAVE to protect myself. I had three major seizures last Friday night because of a disagreement with him over this very topic. When I reminded him in that conversation that it would harm his relationship more if I fell over dead of a stress induced heart attack because I didn’t put that boundary in place, he thanked me for reminding him that I have a serious neurological condition because it’s easy to forget. I walk around with a stress noose around my neck every day and it’s easy to forget?! Today when I told him about the seizures, after he pushed me to talk to her, I was told that I was making a big deal out of nothing.

    Nothing. My health is nothing to him.

    This is where my topic title comes in. Why doesn’t he care?! I’m a former step-mom to a kiddo who turns 16 this fall. I’d sacrifice myself for my kid in an instant (and almost did one 4th of July when his dad messed with fireworks). His mom granted me mom status after I left his dad because I “did more than his dad ever did for him”. How do I understand what a parent should be when mine doesn’t care in the slightest? I’m not saying he can’t have a relationship, I want him to be happy. I didn’t even say he couldn’t have this relationship, I only asked that my boundaries be respected. Why doesn’t he care?
    #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder #CPTSD #AbuseSurvivors #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #frustration

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    More Nutshell, Less Nut

    I am hyper creative. Almost always have to have something in my hands. Crochet, beadwork, drawing, sewing, wire work, gardening, writing, cooking, clay art, painting, fiber arts of any kind, video game, weaving.
    I have to be making something.
    Last week I had carpal tunnel surgery and have to not use my right hand for ANY sort of crafting for 6 weeks.
    I did not realize how incredibly long SIX WEEKS is.
    I am trying to learn patience, but it is not, not, not NOOOOOOT an Aries virtue. I may be good with size 11 seed beads and smaller. Or size 30g wire. Hells I can manipulate wire and beads into 3D sculptures.
    1 week down, 5 to go
    9 weeks left for left side
    #CarpalTunnel #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #frustration #craft

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    Those darn cats

    I'm struggling with getting sleep. I have a cat who's 12 yrs and a kitten who is 3 Mos. They unfortunately do not yet get along. I'm hoping if I get the kitty fixed in a few months that will help. But I sure am tired. Kitty is sure busy. Busier than I remember. I just want some sleep 😴 💤. #Kittens #Sleep #frustration



    #MentalHealth #frustration I have been really down this month. I lost my job due to a discriminatory work policy concerning 'you know what' and haven't been able to find other work. Too many other companies have adopted this discriminatory policy! I am alone, (because I want to be), unemployed and exceedingly frustrated at the events of the last several years. I'm angry at the state of this once free Canada. I'm losing purpose, happiness and health.

    1 comment