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Two #Funerals and a #Wedding

Has anyone in the universe experienced losing two parents in nine months through Covid? I feel
Like everyone forgets #Grief through#COVID #GAD #panic and how hard it is to already lose two parents from the universe and unable to embrace the ones I’ve needed most.


My [not so] baby cousin gets married tomorrow!

Which is kinda great, except when it's not (I could whine abt it after, but then again why not now?)

They were planning on it, then they managed to get a house (resale, not new - getting a new house now in this COVID climate means you wait forever), so they decided, why not? But that's all, they only have the house :P (ie, it's not renovated yet, they haven't got furniture & decor yet, etc. It's literally just a house .. lol.) They chose tomorrow bc .. they didn't, sorta. More like bc his fiancee/wife is an educator, in typical educator life you just get married on the first day of the school vacation HAHA (my other friends did this too! Teaching dictates everything on your behalf when others would get to choose ..)

But here's why I'm upset -

(1) grandma's not here :'( It'll actually be 9? months to her passing tomorrow, which is kinda bittersweet in some way, but I really also thought they would like wait a year first. Part of me wonders if this is slightly disrespectful, though I know grandma already gave her full blessing & even said, since she cannot be there, please get married with a church wedding.

(1b) It makes me sad bc she used to say (when my cousin was in law school) that she wanted to see him graduate, get married, have kids .. (& then I'd tease him to hurry up on it lol)

(2) But also like omg I cannot. My mother. I feel like, she knows she may not ever get to experience this so she (understandably) is like experiencing vicariously? But the way she makes it sound is like ...

(2a) Mother keeps going on & on about the fact that this is the first wedding in the (direct) family in like, 32 years. Arguably, if we want to get picky - go after my oldest cousin who didn't wanna get married, ... anyway. & to me like, .. it's a wedding. LOL.

(2b) Heck, sometimes I feel like they're acting like wow he finally accomplished The Goal to life or something. Is life all about getting married? That's kinda funny then, considering that other than his mom & my mom, my 3 other aunts are unmarried. Hahaha.

& for someone like me, who has spent so much time finally seeing that it's possible to be accepted as a complete, whole, single woman (& who has my own issues about marriage admittedly, no thanks @ parents) - really? Feels like this overemphasis highlights that marriage completes a person. Or something.

(3) Okay - he will always be baby cousin & I'm sure baby cousin-in-law [to be] is a lovely young woman but - I've only met the girl like twice maybe & I don't even know her that well, how can I be excited about this (might be a pandemic romance, idk. Or a well-kept secret lol but unlikely)

& also, like - I mean, I'm not as close to him as we were when we were kids. Like, after we grew up & stuff so like, just cos he's the favourite (& only, lol) nephew & the mom/aunts are understandably extra excited, don't impose that on me.

Halp, am I terrible?

#CheckInWithMe #Marriage #Wedding #Selfesteem


Wedding Frustrations... #COVID19 changed our plans

My original wedding date was September 13, 2020. We had everything planned and mostly paid for. Then Covid-19 rolls in... we agreed to postpone our wedding to September 2021. Then my aunt, who was basically my mom, she raised me.. became very ill. She had been fighting cancer for two years. I didn't know what the next year looked like, and I wanted her to be part of my day. We went ahead and got married in a very small ceremony with just our immediate family in attendance. My aunt unfortunately ended up in the hospital just days before, and was unable to attend. We had someone Skype her, and after the wedding we surprised her at the hospital (in my dress, my husband's suit, the whole shebang). She passed away in December.

The plan was always to have a "sequel" wedding, and have our big ceremony we had planned. But I can't seem to get my mind around it. I feel selfish. My husband said its almost like a "fake ceremony" because we are already married. One of my best friends is getting married a month later, and I feel like I'm taking away from her. Its not fair for me to have two weddings, right? But at the same time, I'm heartbroken, and honestly pretty jealous, because I never got those big moments. I didn't get my bridesmaids and I getting ready together. I didn't have a special moment of someone zipping my dress. We didn't get to have the big celebration we planned. Don't get me wrong, I loved our mini-money. But I'm still heartbroken. My friends either agree that its weird to have the second wedding, or they disagree and say "you deserve this!" But I absolutely do not feel like I deserve this.

If we had not already paid for almost everything for this big celebration, we would definitely cancel. But the venue, photographer, DJ, baker, dinnerware... all of that is paid for. My bridesmaids already have their dresses and shoes and accessories. If we cancel I feel its necessary to pay back everyone who has paid for something for this wedding. (Bridesmaids, the dinnerware was partially gifted, the photographer was paid for by my parents, someone bought our invitations as a gift)

I'm torn. Do I go through with this "sequel" wedding celebration, or is it selfish since we already got married? I'm beyond frustrated, and don't know what to do.



Bridezilla #Family #Kids #Trying #Work #Wedding

My daughters wedding is coming up. I’m starting to really pity my future son in law. Mostly I’m pitying myself. Bridezilla thinks the world is a lazy Susan with her in the center and everyone needs to revolve around her. I say- I’m at the doctor her- can you call the gown person
Me- honey I’m having surgery
Her - and how are we going to shop ....
I’m not enjoying


My wedding got postponed.

These has been some the hardest few months of my life (not even covid related). And then last week my fiance and I had to make the decision to postpone our wedding that we've been planning for a year and a half.
It was the one constant, the one thing I was looking forward to, and I feel like it just got stripped away from me. I know it will eventually happen, I just need to be sad about it for now.
#Wedding #complextrauma #CPTSD #COVID19 #Anxiety ##Depression


Rage #anger #Inlawsthatdenymentalillness #Wedding

I love my fiancé but he has the worst older sister I’ve ever met. In the beginning we got along great even though it was apparent she was a spoiled, rude brat of a woman, but after their mother died in a tragic car accident and their father was horribly injured in the same accident, it’s like I became one of her many targets and everyone just lets her. She has issues of her own and I think she has some OCD, but refuses to get help for it. It all came to a head last summer when we all went on vacation. Everything had to be her routine, and if not here comes the mouth. Now I have anxiety that effects my stomach in the worst way and often times it made it difficult for me to want to do everything they wanted to do. Between the large meals, the summer heat and activities it got to the point if I didn’t separate at some point I could have an attack. If it did occur, I was fine going back by myself. My fiancé is a caring man who doesn’t like to see me by myself if I am suffering and as much as I insisted he stay, he’d go back with me. This angered future sister in law because it made her think I was keeping her brother from enjoying himself and was missing out on things. The whole trip she was snarky to me even when fiancé told her to knock it off. It came to a head when at one point she told me to shut up. The anger in me boiled over and not only did I tell her off, I kicked her and her infant daughter out of my wedding party. I even said that if her husband had a “job” on our wedding day he was out too as a groomsman. He wasn’t on this vacation with us for that reason. The man works in sound production and in all honesty we see he felt pressured into marrying her then having kids. So he takes any job offered to him to stay away. And this is where the topic of this post comes in. At first I was thinking we’d still have her husband in our wedding party (because fiancé was groomsman in their wedding) then I thought forget it. The man while hardworking is very self-absorbed, falls asleep at the worst times (no he’s not narcoleptic) and all around unless it involves him, why give a damn? So I thought I said to my fiancé I didn’t want him in it. He thought I did and long story short, I told him it’s his choice. He said he’d think about it. Yesterday we were looking at suits he told the gentleman brother in law might tentatively be in it. I know he had been hinting at it (though he denies it) so I said today that he’s in the wedding party but if his sister who is best woman needs help I hope she realizes he won’t because he’s a selfish man. Fiancé was saying he wasn’t sure and this and that and then I just blew about his sister. Her attitude, his family’s reluctance to tell her to stop, and how he better understand that if she comes at me again, I will not be like the rest of them and take it. They do yell back at her, but not vicious enough like she does them. I’m just fed up, our whole wedding has been about everyone else!


Getting married when you have GAD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PanicAttack #Wedding

So I’m getting married in less than 5 months. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder a few years ago and have been struggling with anxiety for over 15 years now. I’ve started thinking about how I would feel on the wedding day because it’s getting closer. I have an irrational fear of fainting or being sick in front of everyone at the ceremony. I know, I know, it’s all people who are there for you and love you BUT like I said it’s an irrational fear. Has anyone else experienced it?


Weddings and mental illness

I’m going to a wedding tomorrow.
I’m excited for the couple. I’m so glad they’re happy and have the rest of their lives to spend together.
But I’m also absolutely exhausted. Physically. Mentally. I’ll travel 3 hours after work today, to stay with my brother, closer to the wedding. And then 1.5 hours each way tomorrow to go to the venue.
I’ll know most of her family and maybe some of her friends and that’s about it, at the wedding.

But I’m just feeling more exhausted thinking about the extra effort I’ll have to put into being happy and cheerful at the wedding. And even staying at my brother’s. He doesn’t understand much, we don’t talk much, he never asks many questions about what’s going on in my life.. so I just smile through visits with him too.

Meanwhile it’s like I’m dying on the inside. I’m so broken. And I’m so so tired. I don’t know how I’ll get through this weekend.

#MentalIllness #Wedding #tired #Depression #Anxiety #SuicideLoss #RheumatoidArthritis