"God did not give us the spirit of fear but of power, love and self control. "
I fear I will never be enough. Never be the woman God has called me to be. That each day I am messing up my children because they are picking up on my bad habit. I fear the cycle will continue.
I know how she felt. I felt the darkness... the drowning. I felt as if I needed to give up, I could never change. I felt the love for my family, my husband, my children, but the brokenness told me they really would be better off without me. I did not deserve them. I loved them so much that I believed that I was not loving them they way they deserved to be loved. Though my life is not totally at lost I still felt inadequate. I have my health, my family is healthy, I have ones that loved me, all my needs provided for but I still felt lost. I was spiralling out of control. I was consumed by all the things that needed me and all the things I could not control... including myself. I lost my breath. I would cry and wanted to be alone... be in the darkness. Stay in the darkness. Then the voice came. A unfamiliar voice. This voice told me I was never going to be good enough. This voice told me you always fail. You cannot grow. You are stagnant and your do not deserve the life you have. You cannot be happy in the life you have. Your life is not even "that bad" and you cannot even handle it. You are just like her. Give up just like her. Your family is better off without you. How can you call yourself a Christian, A daughter of Jesus. Where is He? You are so overwhelmed you cannot even hear his voice. You have blocked him out of your life by your behavior and you are not good enough to become who he needs you to be.
Another small voice though faint overpowered the unfamiliar voice. It pleaded with me to stay me. This voice reminded me of my purpose. It reminded that there is a lion that is preying on my heart because he sees the threat that exists. I am in God precious sheep. He reminded me that He is my Shepherd and will protect me if I let him. If I do not go out into the dangerous darkness alone and unguided.
I am broken, I am lost, I am consumed... but these are all the things Jesus can mend. He can replace. He can fill.
I have a purpose. A purpose that is far greater than I can imagine. Far greater than the idea I have of myself. I cannot do this alone. I have His love, His word and His message. He needs me to love myself before I can love others
He needs me to spend that time with Him so he can bind my wounds. Replenish my soul and fill the emptiness with joy. I cannot keep removing my cup. I must accept his love...
My mother took her life many years ago. I know how she felt. I know that deep pain, suffering, and darkness. But I also know the broken pieces that are left for others #youarenotalone #Suicide #youmatter #youhavepurpose
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