Smoking

Really struggling again. Ruminating AGAIN on hurt, anger, and abandonment by close friend a couple years ago. I still have to see her due to mutual friends and it's very hard. I was just shut out due to a minor disagreement. I've mostly given her space, but in the last year have reached out a few times, have been civil/friendly. I think she has some BPD traits too and shutting down/out is kind of her MO. But her face and demeanor just look so much like she doesn't care, and MY BPD just can't let it go. Paranoia moves in, and I start thinking I will lose another close friend whom she is close with as well. It starts a downward spiral of self hatred, and I just don't know how to make it stop. I don't self harm and I quit drinking and smoking the last couple years. My coping skills have/are improving but the suffering is not. Sorry ...AND the suffering is not. 🙄 Very frustrated and demoralized.

The worst part is not being able to afford to hunt around for a decent doctor, especially one willing to do the necessary research to understand just how those NSAID's effected me to ensure this never happens to another person again.

The dizziness, the stomach pain, the difficulty breathing, thank the ancient forgotten gods the chest pains haven't been that bad, but still, damn this sucks. It's so much worse than my chronic pains.

And I am very positive this has exacerbated the damage smoking has done to my lungs by a hell of a lot. And gods knows groups would use this distress to further ostracize tobacco "addicts" than reduce possible physically damaging medicines.

I hate this dizziness/breathlessness. I am so god damn sorry I trusted that doctor.

After an hour of talking about vape tanks and her wanting me to quit smoking, she finally relented and we ordered an Uber to the tobacco shop. I got my cigarettes. And I'm supposed to order a vape tank online. I don't know much about vaping. I guess I gotta learn.

I've been trying to use my vape. Different ways to inhale. Different ways to exhale. Nothing seems to matter, I end up coughing so hard. I have chest pains from coughing so hard. I pulled a muscle in my butt. I miss how cigarettes never made me cough. I keep trying for her but she's not doing anything to help. This really sucks.

#Smoking

I've been smoking in my home every day for 6 years. I've lived alone for 6 years. Now my ex girlfriend is staying with me and told me I have to switch to vape. She hates smoking. So I'm trying. I never coughed with cigarettes. But OMG I'm coughing up my lungs with this vape.

I thought if I did this for her she would be more apt to do chores. The only thing I asked her to do was wash the dishes. For the first 6 days she said she would do them. Then she said she wouldn't do them cuz I didn't have bleach. So I got her a bottle of bleach. She took 3 hours to wash half of the dishes. She hasn't touched the rest. Yesterday I made a nice dinner for us and all of the plates got dirty. She didn't touch them. So I washed 7 plates and 2 casserole dishes today. She's been sitting on the couch with her laptop all day. She didn't say anything when I washed the dishes.

So I smoked in my room with the door closed. She doesn't sleep on the bed so she doesn't have a reason to come in here. I ran out of cigarettes so I'm trying to use the vape. She got so annoyed by my coughing that she closed my door.

Fun times.

“Look Dave, I've taken you on because I owe your dad, Big Louie, a favour, so don't let me down.”

The following week trouble started

“When I said give Jimmy Johnson both barrels, I meant of the beer he'd ordered.”

Christmas week was bad too.

“When I told you to deck the halls, I meant decorate the pub, not beat the hell out of Phil and Jane Hall.”

Then -

“What have I told you about smoking fish Dave? Not while at work, now stub it out and do what I pay you for.”

The final straw...

“This is the last time I'll ask you to babysit, you're fired! Now get off Sidney, you've squashed him flat.”

I say should be admitted so they say go to A and E so I go and they say go home and we will contact your mental health team which they do. I see my mental health team and they say the only way into hospital is through the home treatment team so I go with t.hem and they say the only way into hospital is through A and E. I go round in circlles and meanttime noone is sorting out my meds and I am so confused I just want to kill myself. Noone understands how much I am hurting. I am smoking which I know is expensive and I dont have the money for it but still I spend money on it. I feel like throwing myself under a bus.

I've got sharp stabbing tummy pains. I haven't been eating well since I came here. But I decided comfort food was the right choice. I'm so tired. And my ex girlfriend is impossible to work with. She said she's going to get help for her mental health when she comes to stay with me but I have doubts. She's going to buy me a vape today so I quit smoking in my apartment. I'm just so tired.