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Horrendous weekend

S'up Mighty peeps. Feeling terrible this weekend. Felt pretty manic on Friday (finally plucked up the courage to go to my annual review). Then spent the day yesterday dealing with a PTSD trigger. Today in a world of pain. Can't quite figure it all out! Much too much to deal with.

7 reactions 2 comments

Feeling like a failure

I can’t seem to make the right decisions I feel so disconnected with myself that I can’t trust my intuition anymore. It’s been harder to keep track with work, life, and responsibilities. It’s much harder during the mania, I make mindless and impulsive decisions. I don’t think about my future and it’s making everyday life pretty hard. Im trying not to be hard on myself. Im going to try to acknowledge my “wins” even tho they don’t feel like it. Im going back to college this summer (terrified) and im finally able to see a psychiatrist. Today: I was able to enjoy my break by the water today.


Bipolar Disorder

Good Afternoon to all. I am a veteran aged 59 years from Kerala retired from regular army during Feb 2007. I had multiple episodes of Mania onset during Apr 1996 and finally diagnosed as Manic depressive psychosis, survived with after treated with Lithium. Ater my discharge also had two relapses. During Apr 2018, my doctor instructed to stop alcohol consumption for a permanent solution to contain the illness under medication (Lithium). My SLE levels are to Meq/Ltr. I told him that I cant stop in take of alcohol mostly two to three days a week in moderate and taking lithium 600mg at night. He stopped treating me. I am continuing with my life style and lithium treatment my own since then and fine with the above mentioned lithium level and Creatine. I request my fellow colleagues not to copy me please. Take advise of doctors. I am sure I am neither doing right nor wrong. I am not sure how long this go. I am working with a Financial Company since 2009 and living with wife and two daughers....

3 reactions 2 comments

Stay Friends or Let Him Go

Recently I decided to make Brunswick stew. My best buddy of 53 years and I subscribe to the New York Times Cooking. I bounced their recipe and a couple of others off of him. He’d ask me every now and then over text if I’d made it. As is common with Bipolar Disorder I don’t sleep well. So after it was clear that I was not going to sleep regardless of what I did one night, I got up and finished up the stew. I took a few photos of different stages of the process. I didn’t send them because I didn’t want to interrupt his sleep. Later in the day I sent him 2 or 3 photos of the process and told him I had done it.

It may seem small but bipolar depression took one of my passions away from me. I don’t get much joy out of cooking or anything else now. I was a little pumped that I had done something in the kitchen. I pushed through and made a big pot of New York Times Brunswick Stew.

My friend’s response to my sending him the text was caustic. He told me that I just needed to stop it about the damn stew. I was manic over the stew “had been for 2 weeks” I pushed back reminding him that he had asked me multiple times if I’d made it. I mistakenly assumed that he was interested. I also suggested that he brush up on his diagnostics especially as it relates to mania.

He fired back with something even more offensive about my mental illness. I chose not to react in anger. I just ignored it. The next afternoon, I received a text from him that was clearly his attempt to test the waters. He was drunk when he sent the other texts. I knew when he sent them he was drunk. It was during the NFL playoffs and he’d gotten sloppy drunk at someone’s home and was impaired when he sent the texts. I’ve seen him do the same thing to others but it’s never been directed at me. Especially with regard to my bipolar disorder. I didn’t respond for 4 or 5 hours. When I did, it was usually 1 syllable words. No humor or banter as usual.
Normally, I would remove myself from anyone who unprovoked intentionally sought to hurt me. I’ve been dealing with this monster for 20 years now. I let very few people get as close to my problem as he did.

So my question is do I do what I normally do and cut him out or do I attempt to mend fences. I’m leaning toward cutting him out. I’m not going to try to harm him or make him feel guilty. I’m just going to have as little to do with him as possible. We live 100 miles apart. It won’t be hard. I just need to be consistent. Thoughts?


11 reactions 6 comments

Back to bed I go

It’s getting bad, yet again. I feel defeated and I’m tired of the cruel cycle. Just to feel ‘normal’ or happy for a week or two just for my manic depression to come back over and over, I want change so bad, but I can’t afford it. I started using again (weed) and I have no one to go to, when I told my friends that I was going to quit they laughed and didn’t believe me. I don’t ever feel supported tbh. I know everyone has stuff going on but I’m tired of being the supporter in so many other peoples lives. When I get like this I don’t care about anyone anymore in fact I convince myself I hate them until I’m feeling ‘well’ again. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to go outside, some days I don’t even like my own cat which is heartbreaking. All I can do right now to cope is maladaptive daydream I’ve been doing this since I was 10 it’s like being trapped in a flavorful lively life that’s unattainable. It’s the only thing keeping me from having suicidal ideation thoughts, I’m tired. Probably going to lose my job too and I don’t know if I can handle the final trigger.

10 reactions 4 comments

I'd like to be encouraging. I've been dealing with mania and depression as so many of us do. My house is a mess. It feels like a marathon to do anything. My heart hurts. I want to sleep and not wake up. I'm 55 and been diagnosed at 23. I'm frustrated with trying to find the right combination of medications. I've always had trouble with that. How do you get rid of the depth of hell pain?

13 reactions 6 comments

New med

So, I started latuda two weeks ago. Since then I have gained tons of energy.....driving my partner crazy.....but still have some of the depressive symptoms I had. Those seem to be fading quite a bit tho now. I have spent most of my 'sick' time in depressive episodes so no real knowledgeable about the manic/hypomanic side. I am definitely having trouble with sleeping. I guess I am wondering if the latuda could kick me into whatever this mood is? It's really not comfortable or fun. Debating on whether to contact the Dr or try to ride it out for longer. Thanks for listening.


Cleaning up my mess after a manic episode in grad school

It has been three months since I was diagnosed with BP II after being manic for over 4 months. I am scared and anxious of everything I did during my mania and how to deal with the consequences. My major worry is how I will explain it to my Masters thesis supervisors. For the first few weeks, I showed up with low quality work - after which I decided to tell them about my mental illness. However, at that point, I didn't know I was manic and assured them that I will show up with work the next week. This went on and on for the next two months as I kept canceling meetings and trips or showing up with no work.

When I was finally diagnosed I asked for a break for 2 months, and got an extension on my thesis for 4 months. Now that my break is ending and I need to start communicating with them again. I don't know how I am supposed to get back my reputation since I want to apply to grad school after this and would need letters of recommendation. I feel like I have absolutely blown any chances of getting a good reference - and I had worked so hard on previous projects and courses in undergrad despite struggling with horrible depression and anxiety.

Does anyone have any tips/advice on how to sort out this mess?

13 reactions 7 comments