Anorexia Nervosa

For years I kept walls that I built because of so much abuse I endured in different ways.

I needed so much time to work on that and it was hell to become vulnerable again. To be open so much like giving someone opportunity to love you or stab your heart.

You need a lot of courage to be that vurnerable towards others. My lecture was that I was always fool in the end with showing my vulnerability and in the end so rejected that I don't have real friends nor any relationships and I can't trust anyone. At the same time I don't know for how long I should "hide" my problems before I open myself. I never get that mindset of hiding things and gradually opening. My ex colleagues told me several times why I say everything in the beginning to others I'm dating. But I can't see a point of not telling it. I am honest and raw. Maybe I don't have social skills because I am autistic and I don't get some things that most people I know do. It doesn't make a sense to me.

There are several situations in which hurt was so big that I decided I'm nobody's fool anymore and even though I respect everyone's freedom to choose to be with me in any kind of -ship or not but I also don't have to suffer others insults, rejections and simmilar.

Now I rather keep distant and inside my high walls than to let anyone to play with my feelings and betray me. Rather suppress my longings to be protected. I betrayed others too and I can't get that time back but I try to be different and I tried to repair damage I did towards others.

In 2023. I started dating one man I fell in love and it was mutual. As I was open from start he knew I suffer from anorexia, he knew my mental health problems, my other problems too. We dated for shorter time and then came time of decision should we step into relationships or go our own ways.

For me it was decision for relationship and for him it was no in the end even though he had romantic feelings for me. He couldn't accept me with anorexia. I was also a risk for him in meaning what if he wants to leave and he feared I'd harm myself because of that because that's his similar experience from past. I started proving myself, justifying. I would never use emotional manipulation.
After our last big talk I realised that at that point I didn't want to be with him despite my deep romantic feelings for him. I was rather finding my wrongs than see that he was one who also has big problems but always my fault.

I was often asked by him how I'm doing and after my answer I would get unsolicited advices and felt like he wants to fix me. I'm not a problem, I am a person who has problems, illnesses and disabilities.

Numerous times I told him to stop giving me unsolicited advices and many things happened. I was cutting him off from time to time from communication as we couldn't be friends, it was dating and going to relationship or going on in life each in their way... but I would in the end always approach him first which would result with frustration and being angry because he hurt me in past and other things repeated and repeated. After being so rejected and hurt only because I was vurnerable, open, with all cards on the table I was the fool. I hate how much he hurt me and how I let this happen.

Recently, I completely, without any bye long stories, cut his off from my life as he wasn't playing any role, no proper communication or anything else. So what is name of that? Probably situationship which has no purpose.

I'm adjusting to the fact that there will never be any change in our -ship and to go on. My hopes will vanish with time, I will endure that even though it hurts. It hurts to be too much, burden, broken, unwanted!

A year before I met that guy, I started to build friendship with one girl. I didn't notice that it wasn't any kind of relationship. I was in one situation last year of almost being homeless, praying for miracle for place to live or going back to my abusive parents. I decided I will go to homeless shelter because I can't stand abuse anymore. I was desperate. She offered to stay at her mother's house for some time. It was offered by her, I didn't ask for it.

Her mother got scared when my "friend" described me to her mother in my diagnoses, just diagnoses. Fabi needs a wheelchair, Fabi is autistic, Fabi has a PTSD, she's disabled.
I was in shock. Like, we knew eachother for few years, we spent time together more or less frequently and she just told her mother my diagnoses, she didn't know to describe me? I was speechless. That gave me an opportunity to question friendships in general and this one which actually never existed. I distanced and I was hurt. I was full of etiquettes by someone who can't say a sentence about me, by someone I thought she is my friend, who spent time with me but she couldn't describe me in any proper sentence. I was shocked by her inability of describing me more than just giving my diagnoses. Her mother was scared and said that I can't stay there. Her mother has stereotype look on autism and PTSD, and when you add a wheelchair you're unacceptable totally.

Also she told me a bit later that she has no capacity for me and doesn't want to talk about anything intimate with me, the message was - "You're too much". She doesn't want to have anything with me. I still question what happened in between because she knew my problems with health and being disabled but then I turned into bunch of etiquettes.

In the meantime I started to date one man and feelings were mutual. I was open again and told him my illnesses, struggles, told him my struggles with suffering and being suicidal. In start he wanted to be with me immediately and I'm not that type of person to just jump into relationship.
Once I noticed he wasn't okay so I asked and he told me that he fears my suicidal thoughts and doesn't sleep for days. I was going back from work like around midnight and I called him. In the end I came to his apartment, hold his hand and was with him so he can sleep. Later therapist told me that I put his needs over mine, blamed myself for something that wasn't my fault. I went straight after hard work to his apartment in 1.a.m. I was beating myself mentally so much. His fears are valid but they come from his unresolved trauma with his mother who tried to take her own life numerous times and he was the one who had to save her. Again I was there with him, offering to stay so he can sleep, go over myself. Shortly after that he said he doesn't want to be in relationship. I told him that he needs therapy for his traumas because he's projecting the same things and told him we will go no contact because I am not a toy. I was hurt and my openes was curse again.

I can't describe my suffering because of that and my hurt for messages I got. Even though I'd like to have friends and be in relationship I realised I'm unlovable and those things won't happen.

I also don't ever want to be hurt again so I am building walls, I know that I will never find someone who would truly love me and I don't need floscules because I know what I was told, what&who I am and no nobody will get a chance to get close to me because they would hurt me. I don't believe in love anymore and I don't trust people anyway. I am on alert about myself so I never allow any closeness.

I'd rather go over my longings and wish to be with someone and have friends than to be betrayed, hurt, rejected or harmed in any way.
I hate that I'm too much, that I'm a risk, that I am unlovable and what others did to me when I was honest, vulnerable and open. I gave three persons to choose to either love me or stab me in the heart after hard work to be open and vulnerable again. They choosed the latter.

I will never again follow any advice to be vulnerable, I may suffer but it's better to suffer from that than to be hurt in such awful ways. I didn't heal from these things and maybe I never will but I learned my lesson.
#WheelchairUser #Disability #AnorexiaNervosa #Depression #vulnerabilitykills #Autism

My evening was ok watched a few Lifetime Movies and a TV series... ate dinner from Cracker Barrel and that's about it. #MentalHealth #AnorexiaNervosa #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #Depression #Anxiety #Bipolar

I bought 4 pairs of jeans shorts a couple ago a size 33 inch. I wore one yesterday for the first time and it was baggy. I went to the mall and exchange them I tried on in between sizes and they didn’t fit. I started to have a #Anxiety . So I bought 2 pairs of biker shorts, 3 sport bras and shorts. I guess it is what it is. I need more of these so happy they fit.

Hello,

I’ve been going through an incredibly challenging and painful time with my family. I'm 24 years old, and my family has always had control over every aspect of my life, especially when it comes to my relationship. They don't approve of me being in a relationship with my boyfriend, and it's caused a lot of tension and emotional strain.

It all started when I began a relationship with my boyfriend, who lives abroad in my family’s home country. My family, particularly my father, was very against it from the beginning. They tried to manipulate me emotionally and psychologically, telling me that they knew what was best for me and that I should always listen to them. My father physically and emotionally abused me during this time, and there were many instances where I felt trapped in my own home. They would force me into rooms and speak for hours about how my boyfriend wasn’t the right one for me, saying that I should always listen to my family and that they knew when the "right time" to fall in love was.

As the situation worsened, I was not allowed to leave the house without fear of being monitored. They put cameras in the house and would listen in on my conversations. If I ever went outside to talk to my boyfriend, my sister would follow me and eavesdrop on everything I said, taking screenshots of my messages and invading my privacy in ways that made me feel suffocated and trapped. My sister would take my phone and throw it on the floor saying I had a time limit of 5 minutes with him and starting screaming at me, alongside my mother and father. When I tried to seek help, I called the police, but the police officer who arrived seemed to know my father personally and dismissed my situation, saying there was no evidence of abuse, even though I had a huge bruise on my arm. He stated he knew many families from my culture that were "tough on their kids" and proceeded to foolishly say that if I was not a minor he would have just sent me back home. I explained how they invaded my privacy and how they took both my passports, legal government documents, and he said that they had the right to do so. He even told the other officer with him that I was lying and that my story didn't seem credible.

When I entered into this relationship my father became physically violent. He almost punched me in the face during an argument when I suggested the first time that I wanted to go see my boyfriend alone. I was terrified, and it made me want to leave even more. I decided to fight to go abroad and be with my boyfriend because the abuse and constant surveillance from my family had become unbearable. My family tried everything to stop me from going. They didn’t allow me to make my own bank account, took away the money I earned (I work part-time with my father in his business), and even tried to stop me from seeing him by using emotional blackmail. They would guilt-trip me by saying I was ruining their reputation and making them look bad by having a boyfriend and “going to see a man.”

At one point, my father even threatened my boyfriend, calling him a "pig" and a "pervert," and told him that he was no longer allowed to see me. They would use money as a way to control me—when I tried to get a bank account for myself, they refused, telling me that I couldn’t access my own money or even know my own financial information (Eventually I made my own account) They also manipulated me into feeling guilty for having a relationship and threatened to cut me off financially, which they eventually did, forcing me to get a student loan just to be able to finish university.

The situation only escalated from there. My family continued to undermine my relationship, and my father even hired a private investigator to take photos of my boyfriend and me when we were out together. The investigator was at the airport when I had arrived after months of fighting to see my boyfriend again and took pictures of us while we were kissing and sent it to my father. They spread lies about my boyfriend, saying he was a womanizer and trying to make me believe that he wasn’t trustworthy. My sister also started a group chat with my aunts, giving them reports about me and constantly criticizing my boyfriend. She even threatened to call immigration on him, despite him discussing with me that it would be best for us to move to the US for work reasons but he is not saying we have to do that. She and my mom would team up together and continuously call my boyfriend, threatening him, insulting him, and making him feel like he wasn't worthy of being with me. It reached the point where my father called him telling him to leave me and even tried to convince my boyfriend that I suffered from anorexia and health issues.

The worst part came when I found out that my family had hired a private investigator to spy on us. They had been following us around, taking photos of us while we were out in public, and gathering information about our relationship. My older sister had screenshots of my intimate messages and sent them to my parents. My sister is 34 years old and I didn’t expect this type of behavior from her. This made me feel humiliated and violated, knowing that they had gone to such extremes to try and control my life. It made me question how far they would go to tear my relationship apart and make me feel guilty for being with someone they didn’t approve of.

After months of emotional and physical abuse, I decided to leave and go abroad to be with my boyfriend. But my family made it difficult for me. They insisted on canceling my plane ticket, cutting me off financially, and even threatening me with guilt and shame to try and force me to come back home. They even imposed a curfew on me, demanding that I return home by a certain time, and constantly checking on me when I went out. My family went as far as to accuse my boyfriend of being a "bad influence," calling him a "pig" and a "pervert," which made me feel humiliated and trapped. They had given me a credit card and had blocked it when I arrived abroad to punish me.

My aunts were also heavily involved in monitoring my movements. They showed up uninvited to the apartment where I was staying with my boyfriend, often spying on us. One aunt even came into the apartment without my consent early in the morning and started checking rooms to see if he slept over, which infuriated me and made me feel like I had no privacy. They were using this as a way to gather information on my relationship and control my every action. These aunts were close to me, and I felt betrayed by their constant intrusion into my personal life.

Eventually, I came back home, but the situation didn’t improve. They still controlled my every move, trying to manipulate me by withholding money and information, and even threatening to cut me off completely. They told me that if I stayed with my boyfriend, and decided to frequently visit him throughout the year, I would never be accepted into the family and that I would have to choose between them and him. This was especially difficult because I am the youngest in my family, and they used financial dependency as a way to control me.

I’m struggling with guilt, and it’s hard to accept that my family can’t accept me for who I am or support my choices. Now, I’m living with my boyfriend, and I’ve been trying to make a life with him, but the financial struggles and emotional turmoil are taking a toll. I’ve been trying to go abroad every two months, but I’m struggling to afford it because my family cut me off financially, and my boyfriend can’t support me alone. I feel torn because I want to go back for Easter, but I also don’t know if it’s worth it, considering the stress and manipulation I would face. I am doing university virtually, all my classes online, and it wouldn't be necessary for me to go back now but I always hope my family changes and I don't have any more money to spend. Should I go back for Easter or remain here?

My therapist diagnosed me with #AnorexiaNervosa (Nos). I have been restricting for awhile now and I am obsessing over the scale and I fear of getting fat. I’m constantly weighing myself. I just don’t want to be who I was when I was married. I lost a lot of weight when I stopped drinking soda and since I walk every day. Since started Caplyta I been dropping weight. I also reversed my #Diabetes so that was good.

Hi, my name is BecE1974. I'm here because my daughter has anorexia and is still in denial; I have an appointment with a certified Eating Disorder Recovery Coach and Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner this week and just wanted to reach out for any advice in this space.

#MightyTogether