anxiery

So today I’m very sad. The pic above is of my best bud. I love him so much. He’s gotten me through a lot of ups and downs. Recently I fractured my shoulder and have been unable to work. My dog has been at my exes to let me have some time to heal. I wanted to finally pick him up yesterday but due to someone in his household developing a mild case of covid, I cannot go get him right now. I was so disappointed 😢. I have really been struggling and I thought having him with ne would help. I’m depressed, anxious, and can’t sleep and when I have bad insomnia I binge eat. I feel really hopeless and helpless physically and mentally. Thank you for inviting me to this group and thanks for letting me share.

The meditation series I am working my way through on Headspace is about the mind. In particular dealing with life questions or decisions. The idea is to ask the question as if you were asking another person and then observing what comes up. It's always asked in the second person and always approached with the idea of observing what arises from the mind rather than attempting to answer the question.

Like may people with BPD I struggle with being alone. There is a gulf of loneliness in that place. A sense of disconnectedness and feelings of abandonment that, at times, are visceral. There is this feeling that no one cares, no one will care and that I will forever feel this way.

On the flip side, while relationships provide a sense of security BPD makes relationships hard. Even after many years of practicing DBT and making progress still relationships are difficult and can be exhausting. That said there is nothing that can compare to loving someone and being loved by them.

I have had a master plan for many years and while the road has wound around, sometimes in the opposite direction, I'm closing in on my goal. As I do I am faced with this question. "How do I accept being alone, being lonely and learning how to be content with myself?" This is the question I have been asking each day as I meditate. I can't say that I have an answer and what comes up in my mind is absolutely zero. Literally there is no emotion around it at all.

If I haven't shared the goal with you (I think I may have alluded to it or mentioned parts of it) it's simply this: Live the rest of my life as a nomad travelling the US (and the world I hope) on my motorcycle with the goal of challenging my mental illness, writing about my experience (maybe a book) and giving hope to others that you don't have to be limited by your mental illness. I'm not suggesting that everyone start van living or being a nomad. I want people to be able to see that whatever they want in life that it can be achieved. We all need hope.

I am under no illusion that this will be some sort of romantic, movie like journey. It's going to be immensely difficult, but that's why I am doing it. It will be more than heat, cold, rain, mechanical issues that challenge me...it will be a battle in my mind.

The question of being alone, loneliness and finding contentment in myself is weighing heavily on my mind. While I think I may see great things, meet great people (if I am brave enough), have an incredible experience, the solitude will be very difficult for me.

Many years have past since this vision arose in my mind. I can't let my fear delay the journey any longer. Maybe the answer to my question can only be found out on the road.

#anxiery #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #PTSD