The Christmas Tree
I never used to get fevers or vomit. Even with a ruptured #appendix & #SepticShock my temperature was normal?
Now I'm afraid this is the end everytime I reach for the thermometer.
I've survived the above mentioned ruptured appendix, #cholestectomy , blocked & 3 bouts of #Sepsis. My go time symptoms are vomiting & fever.
With all the abdominal trauma, I have #Gastroparesis or literally a broken gut. I must be mindful of what I eat & do enemas to have a BM.
I spent Xmas 2013 in the hospital. I vividly remember being visited by my Dr. Jan 1, 2014 at 10AM to be told I had #PseudomyxomaPeritonei. I had #Cancer. Then the hospital team recanted their diagnosis & I've been recovering ever since.
But I haven't recovered. I know after all my body has been through I should just feel lucky to be alive, but I'm not 1 to "exist". I want to LIVE!
Even in the depths of #Depression, my will to die was actually I don't want to live like this anymore.
So, now I sit with thermometer near by, no energy, no appetite, relentless pain in upper right quadrant that radiates to my back knowing my body is pristine until it's not, just waiting for the beast to show itself once more.
I haven't put up a Christmas Tree since 2014 because that year, the tree was a Valentine's Tree, St. Patrick's Tree...I got it down before Easter though.
I put up the tree this year to move past the traumas, to say I am the healthiest I've been in a long time, to say I am thankful for my life & to say not this year. But I can't erase the brink of death from my memory & so here I sit & wait...
Thanks for reading!
#Fear #Depression #Anxiety