As I sit here in the early morning hours I’ve truly accepted “my reality” I will never be who I once was healthy, carefree, spontaneous. My body is now unreliable. I’ve ran from this truth for almost 8 years, moving, running, doing things that weren’t beneficial to my health, physically, mentally or emotionally. I’ve suffered loneliness, severe anxiety, depression through all my medical journey to wellness. I’ve been given carrots of hope only to be let down. I’ve endured 4 major surgeries in four years, life altering surgeries. I suffer medical PTSD from all the doctors who dismissed me, made me feel like a number instead of a person, at 87 pounds many doctors said I wouldn’t make it yet not “ONE” of those doctors helped me. I don’t have an eating disorder I have a malabsorption/malnutrition disorder. So here I sit, finally accepting my life as it is. A bag hangs off my side (an ileostomy), it dictates much of my days. From what I eat, when I eat, the amount I eat, what I drink, the amount I drink, when I drink, bag leaks, bag changes (usually an hour just to shower and change my bag)….. it’s all an inconvenience graces with depression, anxiety, chronic pain, diversion proctitis, all quality of life issues. I’ve finally come full circle to embrace “my reality” of my life. It doesn’t take away the loneliness, the depression, the anxiety or the pain by accepting “what is my truth” but it does bring me a peace to finally stop running from myself. A peace to accept what is and fully be present in the life I have, no matter if it’s full or limited.
I don’t like taking pain medication, anxiety medication, antidepressants but I’ve accepted this path as my own individual path of life. It DOES NOT make it any easier from day to day I still struggle with everything. BUT accepting myself, loving myself in spite of my struggles has finally brought a peace I’ve missed for almost 8 years. I do not have a support system, I battle this very much alone, which makes me sad sometimes yet I’ve learned to be content with just me, knowing I have to be my own best advocate even when I feel like giving up. For those of you who struggle in similar ways, I pray one day you can do as I have done and accept “ your reality”. Love yourself in spite of your struggles, give yourself permission to be gentle with yourself, give yourself the kindness and compassion you wish others would give you. Acceptance of your circumstances is truly freeing. Love and hugs to everyone facing their own battles today. Be strong and love yourself first.