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I have a crush on my psychiatrist?! #Transference

It used to be for fun that I use my psychiatrist photo as my phone’s wallpaper and joked with my friends that he is my latest crush because he is physically attractive to me. Yup this is slightly childish I know, pardon me, I have not been in a relationship before and I have comments from people saying that I am actually rather childish. But I realise I have been thinking about him, looking forward to see him and talk to him, of course those were my medical appointments. I actually feel sad at the thought that I am just his patient, and I feel upset at the thought that he has a life outside the clinic where he see me. Yes I know, I am judging myself as well for these thoughts. I googled and thought this sound like #Transference where many others experience with their therapist. For my case, the person is my psychiatrist. I feel like I should share this in the journal that he will be reading, maybe this might be helpful for my treatment. But at the same time, the thought of letting him know about this is like so scary. What if our sessions turn awkward? I’m afraid I will mess up the whole thing. Am I having some attachment issues? I feel like such a weirdo to discuss this. Should I let him know? I am slightly worried he would need to reveal this to others when he need to discuss my case with his team, like how others will view me...
#AnxietyDisorders #Psychiatrist #Transference #Attachments #Awkward #GAD


Lost in chaos I have created

I have recently created a few situations which I know is completely my fault I’m defiantly not passing the buck or not accepting responsibility... but now my issue is undoing the chaos I made and don’t want to be in anymore. It’s also the fun act of damage control... please note the sarcasm... has there ever been situations you have wanted but after consideration it’s not something you want to do anymore but feel your in to deep? My ex and I have spent a lot of time apart and have reconnected distantly.. however going back down memory lane I see how bad we were for each other and how toxic we were... it feels like when you only see the good parts of someone you forget about the bad parts.. the walking on eggshells... the addiction... the stupid cycle that it is.. but now I’m in too deep and I know if I back off now I’m going to feel the raft that is deep within him... Yes I know I should just do me but i honestly just don’t want to feel all those gross emotions but like the cycle before this one and the one before that it unfortunately has to be done for my sanity #Attachments #onalityDisorder #Anxiety #che #whydoidothis


Why did I fall in love with u #Broken #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Attachments

I should have never met u we should have never pursued us ... y the hell did I fall in love with you


The Queen of Ice and Snow and all things cold

I decided to share this because I'm sure there must be somebody else among the billions of people who share the world with me who has gone through the same thing. I think this whole story began back between the years 2002-2005 in my 3-6 years of age. During this time I had entered and graduated kindergarten and was admitted into primary school. It was a crisis for me. Leaving my comfort zone for the first time was devastating for my spirit. And I think I was too weak. In no time kids were making fun of me bullying me and it was hard to have almost no friends. I would cry in the classroom teachers wouldn't understand what was wrong because I wouldn't tell. And I would have full on breakdowns in front of my classmates. If there had been an award ceremony at school I would have won for "Best Crybaby in a Leading Role" ( with unanimity from the Academy ) . I was sadly defined by my problem my attachment to my objects my house my parents myself. I still remember my first grade's teacher shrilling voice telling me off for crying too much. I clearly had emotional problems and I will go further on this subject in the memoir I'm currently writing.The thing is that I had such complex issues that received confusion and indifference that I learned to suppress what I felt. Since my graduation from primary school and my introduction to secondary school I stopped showing signs of emotions to my classmates. They could insult me hit me make fun of me but I pretended it did not affect me only to go home and cry to my mother. We never told the school or teachers or even my classmates because they were not ready to understand something so superior to them as it is mental illness. I wish that by this time they have grown up and cut the crap.Now in my teen years until today I became what little me would fear the most a stone cold bitch. Bitter grudge-holding hot-tempered. Suddenly I stopped feeling. No. I stopped *showing* what I felt. My parents noticed I stopped being affectionate. I can't remember when was the last time I gave a true hug. I push my friends away from physical contact. I relate myself to people with cold handshakes I don't cry at the movies I run away from my emotions and when they get me I let them resurface but under my covers behind my bedroom door. I have never had a boyfriend and I really want to fall in love maybe because I just don't want to be alone anymore. I want someone to spend my life with when the people who were with me from the beginning are gone. But I wouldn't make a good girlfriend or even wife. I was pushed to extremes so broken that I can't be vulnerable with someone. I can't strip my soul down and show its cuts and bruises. I'm broken to bits. #Depression #Attachments #Trauma