attatchment

Fuñny... My question about being autistic or not pops inside my head, all the time.
Yes, I can identify myself with some autistic women. But, what if that was caused by separation in the early year? Too much Gabor Matte?
Bare with me: I was adopted as a baby, very very sick. A month or so, I recovered, my biological family took me back.
I got sick again, mal-nutricion, again!
My adopted family got me back. 3 months only passed from when I was born.
So, not enjoying contact, not accepting being hugged or touched: attachment issues, or autism?
The memory is fresh, do you know Brazilians live the 3 stupid kisses on the cheek to say "hi", everytime, every freaking family reunion, vc tem q ter tios, tias, avós, friends, with that horrible ritual?
I avoided that like the plague. Well, more than I would avoid the plague. I need my bubble, don't get close!!!!
The maid raised me, and my siblings (only 2 were adopted, the second one was my yonger brother). Whatever happened, I would run to tell the maid, during the night, watching soup opera, it was on her lap that I would rest my head, it smelled like food, dish soup, work. She would sit in the very back of the family room, a square, dark, and away from my parents, sitting like queen and king of their chairs in front of the TV.
As a very young child my parents took me a few times to visit my biologic family. Again, terror: all that hug, and so many kids and adults around me, in my pretty dresses. Two words: my father, the lawyer; my father the rural worker, who was well know for his drinking deasese. Sad, true.
I had everything! The last doll, the best games, tv, siblings that adored me....
I couldn't belong: either kids were being mean at me at the (private) school; or I was the mean one(rarely, but yes). I never knew how to dress, what to say, how to behave. My panic to go in social events with my parents scaleted. I hated that world I was part of. I always loved my siblings.
When I was almost 15 my parents fired the maid. The same maid who was there from even before I was born, who worked Sunday to Sunday (Sunday off, for a few hours maybe). She was not only fired, but we were not allowed to see or talk to her. My mom could not accept that she was getting married, and dated without her consent (and wouldn't be able to sleep in the job anymore). The maid was 38 years old.
Pictures with her were taken of family albums, we were not allowed to take phone calls, or anything.
I was so lost!
I had a romantic life! in my imagination. I didn't know what a big deal it is for the autistic child, I was often in love with boys who didn't know I existed, for months, years. Talking to my few friends obsessively abou them. Every boy was a potencial hero who would make me loved, happy popular.
Sorry friends...
Then what???

#Autism #autisticwomen #attatchment #PTSD #Depression

I can’t be arsed battling with this illness anymore and always giving myself a hard time. Always loving so much and getting little back! I feel lonely, I feel unloveable and I can’t be do this anymore. I’ve lost about 4 good friends in the last month! I asked somebody would they come to my birthday event February which they rejected and I lashed out! the rejection was like a thousand knives in my heart. Their response was to call me crazy? Would a friend say that or am I just too unbearable? Is acceptable that somebody with bpd hurts and may lash out at rejection?? Or should I just not have any friends until I can control it (which I can’t see happening) I hate my constant overreactions in work (crying and beating myself up with my stupidly high standards) and day to day life! I sometimes get to a point where I am feeling better and finally feel a may love myself about 1% and then some form of rejection smashes it out of me. I feel drained from all the love I give and yet I have no one! Apart from my dog! Is there any support out there as I feel scared as my many suicidal cry’s for help I fear are becoming all too real! Dbt therapists on the Manchester or possibly Guildford (where I work a few days a week) area. #boarderlinepersonalitydisorder #DialecticalBehaviorTherapy #attatchment #Rejection #SuicidalThoughts #Nofriends

I spoke with my heart today
We haven’t spoken like this in a long time
It told me things that I needed to hear
It told me to tell people about us
“Tell them about us” it said
I broke into tears because everyone in my life, including myself, told me to hide myself
Especially the dark parts of myself
But it told me today that my dark parts
The parts of me that everybody wants me to hide and to keep quiet
Just want me to love them the way they have always wanted to be loved
“Tell them the story about us” it said
“Stop trying to hide us,” it cried
“I’m tired of being alone,” it sobbed
That’s when I realized that it was me all along
I betrayed myself and pushed myself away
Today I sit before my heart with the intention of getting to know it more
And to fall back in love with it
#Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #hea #attatchment #Connection #Healing