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    Grief defines me…

    I came across this - ‘sometimes in grief rock bottom so feels like home than a place of discomfort & joy is the scarier emotion.’

    So is one’s sense of reassuredness obtained more in our seeming gloom, grief & misery? Is pain and anguish the overarching and more truer condition of our living? Not sure which philosopher it was - Schopenhauer or Spinoza or Kierkegaard who had a similar premise but speaking for myself, all the loss, defeats and shame I have endured, suffering has been more determining of life’s trajectory. Even as i cannot but acknowledge few moments of exaltation, joy and contentment, the larger narrative of misery and despair renders me deeply suspicious, indeed dread whatever seeming moments of happiness that objectively speaking is on hand. For example I should be elated today for my book has finally been published. But the occasion has only made my deep sense of loss more pronounced, absences of folks I hold very dear more acute and my grief so apparent.

    The existential crisis - of loss of meaning, of no emotional peg to hold on to, the hollowness of positive affirmations, emptiness, the very collapse of hope, the uselessness of faith, sacraments & prayer - is so permanent, structural, so default that the so called affirmative, hope inducing path not to speak of so called moments of celebration & joy, appears so misguided & pathetic.😕

    My ex is descending into vegetative state and i’m unable to provide any succour or reassurance to her…😢I love her so deeply…being with her was much more than being with a person…there was our house, our beautiful garden, our soul enriching dogs…it was elevated living in every sense of the word all coming together in her. In her presence, company I grew, my soul nourished and my spirits soared…But her ailments consumed her reducing her to an existence of excruciating pain (people can’t even begin to comprehend how debilitating her illness is) and agony. Yet she braves it all. She doesn’t want to give up. i still can’t & couldn’t deal with her suffering. And she couldn’t deal with my suffering me & she insisted on separation . I failed as a care giver. I felt so then and I feel so more now. Is it my love morphing into something evil that is causing her to suffer? To love is to suffer as someone said. The painful poignancy of it all. The appalling conditions of existence with its ordeals, misery & aches being showered on few in unrelenting flow🤦🏽 if my condition is such, imagine what she is undergoing saddled with both excruciating mental & physical condition.

    The free who may have been following my posts here would probably figure my drift. Most may barely comprehend what i’m babbling about. I often don’t comprehend it myself. Figuring all these in isolation & loneliness is all I have for attempts at reassuring me by few (maybe well meaning) with bare cognisance of such travails, shame & suffering has been more damaging… most don’t even bother or attempt anymore. They have had enough of my moping & lament and my seeming inability to get over for many years now. But this grief is my own and overwhelming and i won’t allow anyone to trivialise it.

    For as things stand i’m my own best friend, counsellor, confidant even as I’m my own critic & enemy. I dedicate the book to her - the endearing, bravest soul I know notwithstanding being rejected. The research, the writing, the readings, the visits, my work…all that the writing of the book involved her presence was constant. But it was no therapy. Today the despair and anguish has only flared up. What satisfaction or contentment leave alone celebration or joy when the most dear to me not around…?!!😢 I do want to be cherished, hugged and in the least desire quality time of deep conversation, over food, drink and drives -things which did transpire between us for sometime but alas ! Very voodoo of life undid it all and in certain viciousness! 😔 #Grief #ComplicatedGrief #Pain #Rejection #Shame #despair #Depression #Loss

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    I’m Surprised, But I’m Not Sad

    Today, I saw that my former favorite person had deleted his instagram account. At first, I was shocked because even though I left him alone after he hurt me, he would still look at my stories and like my posts. When he would leave from time to time, it hurt so much. I decided to distance myself after I saw him leave with another girl that he was trying to get first. At the time, my mental health took a real dive and I was already considering offing myself and that pushed it over the edge. With time, and therapy, I got down to some of the issues I was having, including my dreams. In those dreams, he resembled my issues with abandonment (ironically). Time has past since then and I haven’t seen him in over a year. And for some odd reason, in one of my recent dreams, my mind made up the idea that he had moved away to Argentina under mysterious circumstances (why? I don’t know). I really liked the guy and I really wanted him to be apart of my life, but as the saying goes:”Human rejection is God’s protection.” #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FearOfAbandonment #Relationships #Rejection


    Momma need a survival Kit

    I’m new to the group. I wanted to know is there a group created for moms who are overwhelmed with finding help with there kids who may be new to #Fibromyalgia #mood disorder #PTSD #Rejection from dad #major depression , etc. I have my own therapist and the best advise she has given me is the backpack method but when it’s your child I feel stuck trying to keep her problems in my backpack. I have watched a vibrant and loving child diminish to no mood, sad all the time, unexplained weight loss, in pain and being an introvert. Pulling things out of her to talk about is stressing me to the point of no return. Tell me guys how to you watch this and say to yourself if my child will be here on this earth for me to see have children and have a prosperous life? I loss my mom is 2018, 2019 my child told me she was molested at 9 in her dads care, she was bullied in middle school because of a outfit she had on at picture day, and it seem like her life been spiraling out of control ever since. She smokes marijuana that I’m not proud of and everyday this school year it has been a constant challenge to get her to go to school. She is a senior this year and my child wants to have a job but she is fighting fibromyalgia and it will look like she have commitment issues and she might not get the job she applies for because of her negative energy from the pain. I have prayed and I have seeked help in every direction in the medical realm. I’m a nurse myself and was terminated because of a conflict with manager I guess not liking me. I was not a office rat and didn’t believe in gossip. I have dedicated my time off to my daughter with the help of her older brother. I am seeking my own self love because I have put so many people in front of me until I don’t know what I like to do or csn ever complete a project. I just want a normal life but I guess with God that does not exist. #help I’m drowning😢😢😢


    So very lonely and sad

    I woke up this morning feeling so alone. Covid isolation has made things worse, of course. Moving to an area I don't know that is very different has been very hard but I could no longer afford to live in the areas I knew. Rents are outrageous here. My 19 year old son has many illnesses physical and mental health. I am currently his PCA but the job is really 24/7 and has been for a long time. I live him yet he needs to grow up and have his own life. I gave up my life to take care of him. I apparently shut down, went into survival mode struggled with major depression and PTSD, I stopped taking care of myself. Decades have gone by and I was not present really. In the past few years I have a new therapist who woke me up to reality. It's been hard. I am getting old now and lost myself and decades of my life. I am burnt out as a caregiver. I have no friends, no career, no money, no marriage (another story for another time.)
    This group and other mental health practitioners has started to help me shift me in a new direction. But I miss in person people. Most of all, I miss the touch of a friend, a hug, the physical presence of people. Not talking sexual. Just caring human to caring human. I have never felt so you h deprived in my life. Everything is done virtually.
    I need people. In person people. I don't know how to make friends anymore. And I live in a very towny area that isn't very accepting or friendly to new people. I know my mental health issues have effected my friendships. Many long term friends severed the friendship because I was so depressed and because I had certain issues and then when my teenager came out as transgender. There is so much hate of difference in this world. I was really appalled and taken a back. I have isolated for a long time. I was really hurt by the rejection. I had known people for 20 years.
    I just want to find my tribe. To be where my son and I are not rejected or judged or looked down on.
    I want to have people who accept me and my son as we are.
    The country I live in is so messed up. I hate it. I'm ashamed to be from this country.
    Sorry to go on and on.
    Just really down this morning. Been crying longing for someone to talk to.


    Why I feel like this?

    Today I saw friends and my best friend that I've did not saw a lot since the pendemic... I feel so weird/ anxious and not connected to them since the beginning of the even... Well actually, like as I was a bit depress for not reasons...

    I text regularly my best friend and she knows that since December I struggle with my mental health. She is the person that who she knows the most that I'm struggling sometime and who she knows my pasts too. She is the one that I text when I got too close to the edge...

    Well, today was so wierd we didn't talk together, I feel practically ignored from her... And apart the group. We did escalation, it was fun. When I was climb up I wasn't feel bad and enjoy it. But when I was at floor level with them I was only thinking about my mental state intrusive thoughts cames back and if I seemed that something was off inside of my head... It was like a wasn't really care if something bad happened to me during the climb. (Which isn't true.. I don't feel suicidal..)

    Moreover, I learned that they will seen them tomorrow and next week and I'm not include... Everybody can look who they want... That totally fine. But I felt a bit of jealousy and it make me felt so apart. Also because I was planning an event with my best friend and she isn't available for me... So, I felt off and I just wanted to dig my fingers into my skin to hurt myself... To hush up the feeling of rejection and the anxious feeling...

    All my behaviors wants to come back. I feel like I'm alone and it make me think that my friends doesn't like me or I'm too wierd for them. I want to redraw of them again....

    I just don't know why at the beginning I feel this fagile/ anxious and as vulnerable as they was able to see through my eyes and see my weakness which that it scare me. #Anxiety #Jealousy #Rejection #Depression


    Feeling like a nobody!

    My hubby is so outgoing and wherever we go I just disappear.
    He can talk to anyone and I’m just in the background. #Depression #Rejection


    All hope for a better future is gone

    For 3yrs one of my best friends begged me to move to the next state over to live with her and her husband in their huge house. We have all been friends 36 yrs. Finally 6yrs ago I left the security of government housing and moved in. They don't have children and I am 12yrs younger, so our agreement was that I would live with them and when they were no longer able to care for themselves, I would. I would also inherit the house($425,000) and 35 acres of prime farmland. Finally, I would have something to leave my children!!!
    Today they set me down and told me that I am not the right person for the job. Several things were listed. He needs someone who sees what needs to be done and does it. I've tried that but was told I did it wrong many times(after I was done!!). Mostly with landscaping. Which was on the list of things too. I don't have the knowledge of how to do it. 5 acre yard. I have never owned a home. Also, I am hard on equipment??
    I feel like the future that was dangled in front of me is crushed. I feel like a failure. Confirms my lifetime feeling of not good enough. It's hard to keep taking in air. I feel almost as bad as when my children(3daughters) were toddlers and my husband died. EVERYTHING changed. Past traumas makes any changes difficult but THIS
    I don't want to have to live with my children. I can't handle all the chaos of little ones(grandchildren) anymore. I am very easily overwhelmed by it now that I'm older. My only choice is back to government housing. My heart, body, and soul are crushed right now. I feel so freaking lost. My life has been horrible and I guess I should be grateful for the last 6 yrs and go back too believing it always will be. I will never have anything to leave my children.
    #alone #CPTSD #PTSD #Disability #dissociativedisorders #Depression #Anxiety #Rejection #lost AGAIN


    Job Rejection

    There was a job I was hoping to get - part of it was that I really liked it and the dark part of me wanted to stick it to my current company, cause it’s better that what they do.

    Rejection is hard for me and right now I’m numb. I have many thoughts I’m just trying to process or drive by. But I can’t help thinking how much of a f*ck I am and I can’t catch a break.

    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Rejection #bpdhelp



    It is really really hard for me to tell my husband when I’m depressed or anxiety ridden. So I will preface this my saying I firmly believe that he is on the Autism spectrum. Today I finally got the courage to tell him about the ptsd and how it manifested and why it’s been effecting me. Since he grew up in a loving environment he just doesn’t understand or can relate. It was like talking to a brick wall! No words or jesters of any kind to comfort me. It made me REALLY mad. I then I tell myself that it isn’t in his DNA to be able to respond the way I think he should. I’m trying to have compassion for him but wish he would for me.

    #Depression #Anxiety #Rejection #PTSD #Autism #Family #spouse