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The Fruits of Pain #Depression #lonely #Rejection #MentalHealth

A man walked through his gardens. For the last three years, he had flower after flower die on him. The first one bloomed and brought him great joy. But a plague swept through his gardens and the flower never bloomed again. He tried many times after, but couldn’t get another to bloom. Though there were many beautiful flowers, he always settled on one every year, one that he truly admired. After those three years of pain, he found another flower. This time, he was more confident than before. The last three years had taught him much, and he knew what to do this time. After a few months, it bloomed, more beautiful than any he had seen before. He was overjoyed, and came to see the flower every day. Many times, he feared it would die. Winter came, and he covered it to keep it warm. The snow melted away, and off came the cover. The flower looked as beautiful as always. Just before the next winter, more concerns had formed in the man’s heart. It had looked off lately. He went to the flower, and stroked its petals. It was then he discovered there was no flower there after all. He realized it was fake; plastic. There had never been anything real between him and the flower. The pain was so heavy, he could feel its physical presence weighing down on his body.

This is an allegory of the last few years of my life. I’m currently working it into a song.

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Healer Pains

Healer Pains

Full of Anger and rage
Feeling like I’m a animal locked in a cage
My nature is so misunderstood
Perhaps it’s time to move on from the hood
But I Love my independent city
Even though the committee ain’t take no pity

Isolated and assets frozen
Although they don’t yet know I’m part of God’s chosen
Treated like a hardcore criminal
My poem are definitely subliminal
If you know me, you’ll get it
Ain’t the usual one to quit

I walked away for self protection
So, wouldn’t be forced into flexion
Straight forward as it can be
Though I did flee, At least I’m free
Self love is a priority
Even if I ain’t in the majority

That don’t stop us from doing as we please
Perhaps, why I’m a narcissist that is to be put in a freeze
From trauma and vulnerabilities we came up,
Banged up, beat up - yet we still worked hard and built up
So, why the hate?
And all the jealousy mate?
Took you for free spins and fed you during your worst

You were injured and I was the one to bring you back to health and nursed
And now I’m cursed?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you
One day, you gotta regret it my boo
True love, acceptance and understanding- heck, gave even my soul
Now, all this hurt masking as anger and making feel like a burning coal

Quite the toll, though I thought your love was free
Then, why the hefty fee?
Anger and rage on the front
Amidst a manhunt
Hurt and grief under the front
Perhaps, nows the time to get blunt

Yes, I am fucked up
And the only one who saved me is my pup
You were right, I was stupid
The only mistake I made was chasing Cupid
Don’t know my story yet think they know all
Destroying me so I forget to walk and can barely even crawl

Malicious prosecution and defamation
Think it’s a game of persuasion
It’s nothing more than a crime
To prevent me from the social and corporate climb
You think I forgot, that’s cute
I never forget a learned friend dispute

You know I’m better than you
And that’s a strong fact that’s more than just true
Don’t let simple nature and humble attitude fool you into arrogance
You caused me to lose my soul and become spiritless
The student is now the master
Now that deserves a round of applause and laughter

Karma is a mogul’s game
And though I don’t care for the fame, it ain’t gonna stop me from bringing the claim
Justice is overdue, stayed quiet for too long
Have come closer to being proven wrong
My only regret, had I spoken earlier
I would be worthier

Money is important but my people are my assets
They are the ones to get my out of bad debts
Got my back because we init for ride or die
They ain’t no supply, they real niggas on which we can rely
Now that’s a fact you cannot deny
My team here for the full and permanent long haul

And although right now, I’m back at the stage of crawl
I got the mindset and approach to stay resilient
Cuz I found out way too late that I’m more than just brilliant
Genius and gifted talent, that’s God’s chosen
So, let me give you a glimpse of my life in slow-motion
Watch out cuz this girl’s a tornado, not to be tamed

She won’t remain for much longer chained
It’s time to break free
And I think that’s something y’all agree #heartbreak #Love #Pain #growth #soulpain #selfhelp #SelfHealing #writings #Journaling #feelings #Emotions #validation #hurt #Grief #Loss #Rejection #abandonment #social isolation #punishment #Karma #sins #good #bad

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My mind is reppressing the trauma I've been through. It's blocking me from feeling it all these years later. It has never let me process it. I remember what happened but it's as if I am remembering someone else's memory. My mind is still trying to protect me from it.#TheMighty #MightyTogether #Trauma #Rejection #abandonment #betrayal #hurt #Pain #shock

15 reactions 7 comments

He knows how you feel.

For those of you who deal with extreme sensitivity to rejection and anxiety as I do, please know that we are in good company.

Not only on earth, but even now in heaven, Jesus has and is experiencing rejection and abandonment.

On earth He experienced it from those who chose to deny His message, not to mention the very people who accepted Him but then encouraged His torture and death. He asked God to forgive the very same people that were at that time torturing and murdering Him. Lastly,His disciples abandoned Him when praying at Gethsemane and again out of fear as He hung on that cross.

Please know that we are not alone in our suffering. Jesus is suffering right along with us.

#Rejection #abandonment #Trauma #suffering #notalone #MightyTogether #TheMighty

7 reactions 2 comments

Feeling super lonely & unwanted. #Borderline #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Loneliness #Rejection #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder

I’m a young adult and have “borderpolar” (co-occurring borderline & bipolar type 2). I was doing well for a few months and then last night I snapped into a deep sadness, then numbness. This happened because it was Friday and I had planned to go out with a friend, but she cancelled on me to go to a concert. I was upset, but what made it worse was my desperation to be with somebody. I tried all night to make plans, and nobody answered. THIS made me react. I feel so lonely and like nobody values me/wants to be with me. I know this is a big symptom of BPD, but it’s hard to remember this when I’m so emotional. I cried very hard and had super intrusive thoughts… I haven’t self-harmed in years, yet I felt the impulsive urge to. Well I didn’t, and instead I journaled, which was definitely good on my part. But the emotions remained.. after feeling intense sadness I shifted into numbness. I looked at my face in the mirror with messed up makeup from crying. I felt so heavy and tired, & my eyes were cold and vacant. In my mind I felt like saying “fuck you” to everybody and cutting everybody off because they “don’t deserve me” (which I know isn’t true). I’m afraid that I will start spiraling down into a depressive episode again.

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Grief defines me…

I came across this - ‘sometimes in grief rock bottom so feels like home than a place of discomfort & joy is the scarier emotion.’

So is one’s sense of reassuredness obtained more in our seeming gloom, grief & misery? Is pain and anguish the overarching and more truer condition of our living? Not sure which philosopher it was - Schopenhauer or Spinoza or Kierkegaard who had a similar premise but speaking for myself, all the loss, defeats and shame I have endured, suffering has been more determining of life’s trajectory. Even as i cannot but acknowledge few moments of exaltation, joy and contentment, the larger narrative of misery and despair renders me deeply suspicious, indeed dread whatever seeming moments of happiness that objectively speaking is on hand. For example I should be elated today for my book has finally been published. But the occasion has only made my deep sense of loss more pronounced, absences of folks I hold very dear more acute and my grief so apparent.

The existential crisis - of loss of meaning, of no emotional peg to hold on to, the hollowness of positive affirmations, emptiness, the very collapse of hope, the uselessness of faith, sacraments & prayer - is so permanent, structural, so default that the so called affirmative, hope inducing path not to speak of so called moments of celebration & joy, appears so misguided & pathetic.😕

My ex is descending into vegetative state and i’m unable to provide any succour or reassurance to her…😢I love her so deeply…being with her was much more than being with a person…there was our house, our beautiful garden, our soul enriching dogs…it was elevated living in every sense of the word all coming together in her. In her presence, company I grew, my soul nourished and my spirits soared…But her ailments consumed her reducing her to an existence of excruciating pain (people can’t even begin to comprehend how debilitating her illness is) and agony. Yet she braves it all. She doesn’t want to give up. i still can’t & couldn’t deal with her suffering. And she couldn’t deal with my suffering me & she insisted on separation . I failed as a care giver. I felt so then and I feel so more now. Is it my love morphing into something evil that is causing her to suffer? To love is to suffer as someone said. The painful poignancy of it all. The appalling conditions of existence with its ordeals, misery & aches being showered on few in unrelenting flow🤦🏽 if my condition is such, imagine what she is undergoing saddled with both excruciating mental & physical condition.

The free who may have been following my posts here would probably figure my drift. Most may barely comprehend what i’m babbling about. I often don’t comprehend it myself. Figuring all these in isolation & loneliness is all I have for attempts at reassuring me by few (maybe well meaning) with bare cognisance of such travails, shame & suffering has been more damaging… most don’t even bother or attempt anymore. They have had enough of my moping & lament and my seeming inability to get over for many years now. But this grief is my own and overwhelming and i won’t allow anyone to trivialise it.

For as things stand i’m my own best friend, counsellor, confidant even as I’m my own critic & enemy. I dedicate the book to her - the endearing, bravest soul I know notwithstanding being rejected. The research, the writing, the readings, the visits, my work…all that the writing of the book involved her presence was constant. But it was no therapy. Today the despair and anguish has only flared up. What satisfaction or contentment leave alone celebration or joy when the most dear to me not around…?!!😢 I do want to be cherished, hugged and in the least desire quality time of deep conversation, over food, drink and drives -things which did transpire between us for sometime but alas ! Very voodoo of life undid it all and in certain viciousness! 😔 #Grief #ComplicatedGrief #Pain #Rejection #Shame #despair #Depression #Loss

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I’m Surprised, But I’m Not Sad

Today, I saw that my former favorite person had deleted his instagram account. At first, I was shocked because even though I left him alone after he hurt me, he would still look at my stories and like my posts. When he would leave from time to time, it hurt so much. I decided to distance myself after I saw him leave with another girl that he was trying to get first. At the time, my mental health took a real dive and I was already considering offing myself and that pushed it over the edge. With time, and therapy, I got down to some of the issues I was having, including my dreams. In those dreams, he resembled my issues with abandonment (ironically). Time has past since then and I haven’t seen him in over a year. And for some odd reason, in one of my recent dreams, my mind made up the idea that he had moved away to Argentina under mysterious circumstances (why? I don’t know). I really liked the guy and I really wanted him to be apart of my life, but as the saying goes:”Human rejection is God’s protection.” #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FearOfAbandonment #Relationships #Rejection


Momma need a survival Kit

I’m new to the group. I wanted to know is there a group created for moms who are overwhelmed with finding help with there kids who may be new to #Fibromyalgia #mood disorder #PTSD #Rejection from dad #major depression , etc. I have my own therapist and the best advise she has given me is the backpack method but when it’s your child I feel stuck trying to keep her problems in my backpack. I have watched a vibrant and loving child diminish to no mood, sad all the time, unexplained weight loss, in pain and being an introvert. Pulling things out of her to talk about is stressing me to the point of no return. Tell me guys how to you watch this and say to yourself if my child will be here on this earth for me to see have children and have a prosperous life? I loss my mom is 2018, 2019 my child told me she was molested at 9 in her dads care, she was bullied in middle school because of a outfit she had on at picture day, and it seem like her life been spiraling out of control ever since. She smokes marijuana that I’m not proud of and everyday this school year it has been a constant challenge to get her to go to school. She is a senior this year and my child wants to have a job but she is fighting fibromyalgia and it will look like she have commitment issues and she might not get the job she applies for because of her negative energy from the pain. I have prayed and I have seeked help in every direction in the medical realm. I’m a nurse myself and was terminated because of a conflict with manager I guess not liking me. I was not a office rat and didn’t believe in gossip. I have dedicated my time off to my daughter with the help of her older brother. I am seeking my own self love because I have put so many people in front of me until I don’t know what I like to do or csn ever complete a project. I just want a normal life but I guess with God that does not exist. #help I’m drowning😢😢😢


So very lonely and sad

I woke up this morning feeling so alone. Covid isolation has made things worse, of course. Moving to an area I don't know that is very different has been very hard but I could no longer afford to live in the areas I knew. Rents are outrageous here. My 19 year old son has many illnesses physical and mental health. I am currently his PCA but the job is really 24/7 and has been for a long time. I live him yet he needs to grow up and have his own life. I gave up my life to take care of him. I apparently shut down, went into survival mode struggled with major depression and PTSD, I stopped taking care of myself. Decades have gone by and I was not present really. In the past few years I have a new therapist who woke me up to reality. It's been hard. I am getting old now and lost myself and decades of my life. I am burnt out as a caregiver. I have no friends, no career, no money, no marriage (another story for another time.)
This group and other mental health practitioners has started to help me shift me in a new direction. But I miss in person people. Most of all, I miss the touch of a friend, a hug, the physical presence of people. Not talking sexual. Just caring human to caring human. I have never felt so you h deprived in my life. Everything is done virtually.
I need people. In person people. I don't know how to make friends anymore. And I live in a very towny area that isn't very accepting or friendly to new people. I know my mental health issues have effected my friendships. Many long term friends severed the friendship because I was so depressed and because I had certain issues and then when my teenager came out as transgender. There is so much hate of difference in this world. I was really appalled and taken a back. I have isolated for a long time. I was really hurt by the rejection. I had known people for 20 years.
I just want to find my tribe. To be where my son and I are not rejected or judged or looked down on.
I want to have people who accept me and my son as we are.
The country I live in is so messed up. I hate it. I'm ashamed to be from this country.
Sorry to go on and on.
Just really down this morning. Been crying longing for someone to talk to.