Atypicaldepression

Do you ever feel like you're merely a spectator in life?
Watching everyone else live whilst you just barely survive!
Treading water whilst the tsunami of time keeps moving on.
This is how I feel, surely I can't be the only one!

Friends holidays far away and day trips here and there,
Whilst I slave away at home going nowhere.
Money comes and quickly goes with nothing to show
As the price of every dam thing continues to grow.

Surely there is more, so much more to life,
Than being a daughter, friend mother and wife!
This is not me complaining
Just a mere note to mark my contemplating
It doesn't end with a full stop, no this isn't the end
This is a new beginning.

Do you ever feel like you're merely a spectator in life?
Watching everyone else live whilst you just barely survive!
Treading water whilst the tsunami of time keeps moving on.
This is how I feel, surely I can't be the only one!

Friends holiday far away and day trips here and there,
Whilst I slave away at home going nowhere.
Money comes and quickly goes with nothing to show
As the price of every damn thing continues to grow.

Surely there is more, so much more to life,
Than being a daughter, friend mother and wife!
This is not me complaining
Just a mere note to mark my contemplating
It doesn't end with a full stop, no this isn't the end
This is a new beginning.

Sunday is a bit of a odds and ends kind of day. Filled with shopping, washing, tidying etc. A little more recently its taken on more of a self care vibe. Yes I do all the above jobs but I also have added to my list, having dedicated time to reflect on the week aswell. This week for instance I've started a new course of CBT, so tonight I'm giving myself some time to do my homework that I've put off all week so far because I don't know where to start.
Wish me luck... #Atypicaldepression #Hypothyroidism #Hypertension

I'm looking back to my first meeting and being so greatful that I took that step. Unmasked has helped me in my recovery and I'd recommend anyone to go to a meeting. It doesn't matter where you are on your journey you will be made to feel welcome in group. :) #Unmasked
#UnMaskedHalifax #Atypicaldepression

As I slept 20+ hours a day I wondered "Why aren't I getting better?" Thinking sleep, my escape from reality was helping. For weeks I expected some miracle to happen, that I would wake up healed one day. That didn't happen. And nothing changed. And nothing changed. And I kept wondering "Why aren't I better yet?"
Frustrated I rested, and rested and rested some more and still nothing happened. Until one day I decided to do something different. From that day forwards I have made a few little changes and I'm noticing week by week, things are improving. When I look back from here I just can't believe how long I waited for something to change. When it was me who needed to make that change.
So here I am at the end of my 1st week (3 half days)back at work feeling greatful. Greatful that all those weeks ago I decided to do something different. Greatful that I was brave for 5 minutes and walked through the door of Unmasked peer support group in Halifax. Greatful for the amazing people I've met there who have helped me week after week and who celebrate my wins with me and help me through my lows. Just greatful.
Change can be scary but it's essential and it isn't always comfortable but it will be worth it.
#Unmasked #Depression #Atypicaldepression

Having depression is still a learning process with me. When I was first diagnosed with it, I was only experiencing the emotional part of it. Then after dealing with that for a time, I started experiencing the physical part of it, which was intense. Since then, I’ve had depressive episodes, but they weren’t as bad as the first.( I was diagnosed at 22, I’m now 24). Yesterday, I noticed that my chest felt heavy when before it felt empty. I began to start slowing down and felt very low on energy. I woke up this morning and my chest felt heavier than the night before and I had to lay in bed before I had enough energy to get up. I didn’t feel sick in any way, I didn’t feel anxious... Then I remembered that this was what happened the first time around. I wasn’t anxious this time around, but to go from feeling down emotionally to feeling like the weight of the world is rested on your body is something that feels weird to me. Almost as if I was in the middle of the ocean and I was being tossed around by the massive waves, and then as the water takes me under, the weight of it pushes me deeper and deeper into the ocean. I also feel that somewhere in the midst of this, I’ve lost my sense of self. #Depression #MentalHealth #Heaviness #chestheavy #physicalsymptoms #DepressionSymptoms #DepressiveEpisodes #DepressionAndMentalHealth #Fatigue #Atypicaldepression

Nearly a year... that’s how long I have been screaming for help. That’s how long I have been at rock bottom. Had diagnosis thrown at me left right and centre #CPTSD and #Anxiety #Depression #Atypicaldepression #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder but none difinitivly. I have been on 4 different drugs and felt every side effect, and been told that they couldn’t help me. But because I don’t think of killing myself no one can help me.

The only think I know for sure is I’m broken and cannot fix myself and I don’t know who can actually help. That I’m hurting and hurting those around me.

People like to say that I have to do the hard work ; but if that is the case what has the past year been because it hasn’t been easy.

Logically I can tell you how I should feel and act, logically I don’t have a problem but it’s like being 2 different people. Dr Jeckle and Mr Hyde and my alter egos do not talk to normal me.

I am at rock bottom today and I don’t know how to get up again. I know the system is broken but I don’t have any fight left in me.

I want my marriage back, I want my life back.

I used to laugh all the time; till I was in tears and my stomach ached. Sometime recently all the laughter went away. I didn't realise that I hadn't laughed in months until this week.

Some of the laughter came back. I laughed with my husband and kids and a small weight lifted. One I didn't even know was there. #Atypicaldepression #CPTSD #smalllightinaverylongtunnel

Yesterday was horrendous I cried the whole way home. I had said some horrible stuff to my husband none of which was warranted. I just wanted to hurt him like I was hurting. I think my #PTSD is worse at the moment, I think I'm trying to hurt the men that hurt me by hating my husband. I don't know how to make the rage stop and everything that used to work doesn't now.
But I put the boxing gloves on and my husband held the pads and I punched; punched the pads he was holding until I was exhausted, until the rage was gone and my arms didn't feel heavy anymore.
And so today is a better day. Its calm and not full of hateful words spat at the wrong person. I'm still hurting still scared but at least I can breath again. #CPTSD #Atypicaldepression