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I don't know how to carry this heavy weight of all the need in the world. But I don't know how to lay it down. To turn away from suffering feels like the most horrible thing, but to turn toward it means that I may drown. I don't have the energy to do anything about all these needs brought to my attention in the messages I get from former students and coworkers and friends around the world. I have so many privileges and so much relative wealth, and to not use them makes me feel like a bad person. After living in so many places around the world where need is so palpable I could taste it, I cannot claim ignorance. But I can't carry all of this. I don't know what to do. It's crushing me.

#Heaviness #Depression #Ineedhelptoo #CheckInWithMe


Message In A Bottle

During this depressive period, I find that I feel everything around me so intensely. Every memory of what lead up to this point has its monumental impact on my life, mental health, and just my wellbeing in general. With that, I always find that there are people who can relate to a degree of sadness, abandonment, anger, the heaviness, the emptiness, and all of the above that I have experienced. I often feel alone in the world, and even when I do go my own way for a while, I do think about every single person I’ve left behind. I’m guilty of “ghosting “, but for me it’s my way of saying that “I’ll get out of your way.” I’m a firm believer in letting people have their space, but I do fear abandonment. I’ve been guilty of going away without saying goodbye because I felt that it was better to leave to people before they left me. Sometimes in anger, I’ve felt justified in leaving because I felt that I was “giving them what they wanted” ( which was letting them be with who they really wanted to be with). It doesn’t mean that I don’t think about them afterwards, but sometimes I feel like my best gift to someone is to leave the picture especially if I feel like I don’t fit into their life for some reason. I recognize the fact that I’m a complicated woman with unsettled issues, and having normal relationships seems to be out of reach. I’ve been angry at myself for pushing people and I always think of the worst scenario to happen should I see said person again. Do I feel that I come across as difficult? Most times, yes... I’m trying to do better. #Depression #DepressionAndMentalHealth #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Relationships #FearOfAbandonment #abandonmentissues #FeelingAlone #Sadness #anger #Heaviness #Emptiness #Ghosting #unsettled #issues

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I Can Literally Feel Myself Slowing Down...

For the last few nights, I’ve been losing energy really fast by the end of my shift at work. As a person who is considered a essential worker, I am grateful to still be working during this time, but I can feel these late nights/early mornings taking a toll on my body and also my mind. I haven’t been sleeping much either. In times like this, I usually know how to prioritize my time with what I can and can’t do. Sometimes I have to bribe myself to get myself going. I find that I feel this battle inside me of feeling heavy and empty all at the same time. I try to take care of myself the best way I can at this point. Drinking water, drinking more tea, I burn oils, breathing exercises, cardio, among other things to keep me busy. I thought that I’d be able to pull through this quarantine, but I can feel my mental health kind of go by the wayside. I feel trapped. Even though my routine has altered some, it made a huge difference with how I live life. Aside from that, I know I’m not alone in how I feel about the world and feeling the way that I do, but I do feel alone in the kind of situation I’m in (if that makes any sense). #Depression #MentalHealth #tiredness #Heaviness #Emptiness #exhausted

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Early Morning Heavy

I felt a heaviness inside me this morning that I hadn’t felt in a while. Living at this moment hurts. A lot. All I want is a hug and for someone to say that all would be ok in the end. My calculated way of living has been thrown off kilter, I feel chronically empty and sad. I try to get help in what I see as the “traditional way”, like opening up and talking about my feelings, but sometimes it’s really hard. I even feel worse after opening up most times. (That’s when I do so verbally.) In the last few days, I’ve come to realize that in a very silent way, I am not important enough to be kept in the know for certain important situations. I want to withdraw from the world completely, but I know that that’s not reasonable. In these painful moments, I tend to lean towards wanting to create something out of my pain to distract myself. I want to believe the good that others see in me, but everything seems blurred beyond recognition. In these continual shifts in my life, I feel like I’m drowning. #MentalHealth #Drowning #Heaviness #Thoughtspiral #Hurtsinside #FeelingEmpty #Emptiness #ChronicEmptiness #Sadness


Wasn’t Feeling It, But I Did It

I forced myself to leave the house today regardless of how I was feeling this morning. While I was out in the sun, I felt better for a while and then felt sad again. I was inside a store and almost cried. I didn’t get home til almost 2:00 and I feel more exhausted than I did before I left. I probably over exerted myself, but I thought maybe I should try some things that were suggested to me (one of which was getting out of the house). #Depression #sunshine #Sadness #exhaustion #Heaviness #MentalHealth #suggestions #tryingtoheal


Mornings Have Been Really Hard

Without fail in the last few days, I would wake up with a feeling of heaviness in my chest. Other times, I feel even more tired than when I went to bed. Convincing myself to get up involves sitting up multiple times only to lay down again until I've got enough energy to get up. The heaviness does lessen throughout the day, but sometimes it comes back. I honestly wish I had timetable for when this will pass. #Depression #MorningStruggle #MentalHealth #Heaviness #Sleep #tiredness


Cry First, Fatigue Later #Depression

Having depression is still a learning process with me. When I was first diagnosed with it, I was only experiencing the emotional part of it. Then after dealing with that for a time, I started experiencing the physical part of it, which was intense. Since then, I’ve had depressive episodes, but they weren’t as bad as the first.( I was diagnosed at 22, I’m now 24). Yesterday, I noticed that my chest felt heavy when before it felt empty. I began to start slowing down and felt very low on energy. I woke up this morning and my chest felt heavier than the night before and I had to lay in bed before I had enough energy to get up. I didn’t feel sick in any way, I didn’t feel anxious... Then I remembered that this was what happened the first time around. I wasn’t anxious this time around, but to go from feeling down emotionally to feeling like the weight of the world is rested on your body is something that feels weird to me. Almost as if I was in the middle of the ocean and I was being tossed around by the massive waves, and then as the water takes me under, the weight of it pushes me deeper and deeper into the ocean. I also feel that somewhere in the midst of this, I’ve lost my sense of self. #Depression #MentalHealth #Heaviness #chestheavy #physicalsymptoms #DepressionSymptoms #DepressiveEpisodes #DepressionAndMentalHealth #Fatigue #Atypicaldepression

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