I think I invest in my friends so much because I don’t want to confront the hollowness I feel. If I’m giving my self away I don’t have to worry about not feeling nor the paranoia that keeps me up at night. However my friends don’t need me no ones in touch anymore and my life has gone silent. Who do I invest myself into so I can pretend that I’m real. If I can’t give myself away then I can’t ignore my distorted reflection.
There was a neat picture I took in the mirror when I visited my brother. That's what started it.
Now I don't know whether to replace the thought and use distraction or to address it rather than avoid. I was looking for that photo on my phone. I scrolled a lot. I saw the images of life from not that long ago, but so much has happened since that time.
Old emotions come right back up to the front center part of my attention. I never really folded things up neatly to place them away. His face brings about a strange combination of wistful nostalgic happiness and the burning anger of the dumpster fire that relationship became. Funny I can still see through the flames and the soot in the air, and it's clear as day.
I don't want to look anymore. Is there a way to put out the fire now?