Memories

This week was quiet and uneventful. Next week I have 3 appointments. A telehealth appointment with my diabetes coach, a really important appointment with my strabismus surgeon, and a check in with my dermatologist. Not terribly huge except for the strabismus surgeon.
We're gonna try to figure out if my exotropia is causing my migraines. I already know exotropia has a direct link to optic nerve atrophy and narrowing chiasm. So I gotta tell my surgeon all about the pain.
This weekend we're going to go to the thrift shop for clothes for my darling stupidhead. I need to get pants. I also need a few new hoodies.
Back in highschool I struggled quite a lot. My grades were poor and I just barely passed my classes. Most people thought I was stupid or lazy. Nobody knew about the abuse and beatings from my dad.
One class I was in, chemistry 101, I really wanted to do well. The teacher I had back then was so kind to me. We found out my dad knew him from way back in college. He was one of the guys I've wanted to be like.
Last night I sent him a message on Facebook and I crossed my fingers. I told him my dead name and explained I'm trans.
Tody he replied and was very kind, as he is just an all around good guy. I'm not sure if he remembers me but he accepted me as I am now. Mr John Brodemus was my favorite teacher in high school and now I'm proud to say he's an ally for the LGBT.
If I had known he supported us I could have come out sooner. I've only known my identity had a name since I was 16 years old. I've been out of the closet since December of 2009.
Most people think safe spaces are buildings and rooms of safety. I like to think they're people. Hands to hold. Hugs of compassion. Fist bumps. Connection and community.
I'm really struggling today. My tummy pain is 8. My eyes hurt and are very tired and strained. I just gotta get through the next 5 day. The strabismus surgeon is gonna be shocked by the things I've learned since I last saw her.
#Migraine #Memories

My wife and I have been working on making craft items to sell. It started with knotted friendship bracelets and bottle cap magnets, but when my mom passed away in February of 2024, I was given any of her crafting items to use for the business. Two cricuts that I barely knew how to use (I gave one away), a mug press and about a 100 mugs, with infusible ink paper and tons of vinyl, so much card making material, and a lot more that I didn't even know what it was. I'm still learning, and sometimes I get so frustrated because mom would have known how to do it, except for the mug press. She wanted me to learn how to use it and then teach her, but I kept procrastinating right through the time she had her stroke. I really hate that I never made time to do that for her, that I wanted to be so unlike her that I took away something that would have brought her joy. I learned a lesson when she passed about not wasting time, that tomorrow may never come, and I dearly wish the lesson I had learned was how to make a mug while spending time with my mom.

So I finally went to the store and I am kind of sad about it. Joanne is a wonderful place with wonderful products and wonderful people and they are very friendly to everyone no matter your walk in life and they are emotional support companion/service animal, supportive welcoming. With that being said, I was very lucky, I got 15 units of this yarn, cleaned them out of this color and yarn. Came home checked the brand website and purchased 15 more in a different color way because I feel like my Nana was telling me to buy this other color way. If you’ve ever seen keeping up appearances; the British comedy from 1990 to 1995. You’ll know who Hyacinth is. The color way I ordered is called Hyacinth bucket. #knitting #yarn #Memories #nostalgia.

He pretended to be clueless and confused today, https://again.I was already in a panic state to him coming home.it is https://bad.I have confirmation now, that his friend decided to hack everything and this has, been happening for over a https://year.I am livid..I have proof now and I feel like it is 100times more sick,than I https://imagined.I find out about the house https://soon.The chance of them letting it go are https://slim.I warned him and he became angry,asked too many specific questions when I https://flipped.Each time, I caught https://it.Within two hours both me and my sons phones were acting https://up.Then another txt acting and attacking https://me.These people have no idea how hard I will fight for what is https://mine.I spent years,never having anything scheduled, no celebrations,no family traditions,no safety for my https://son.Absolutely no protection,at https://all.He wanted me to stray,pushed me, made plans, arrangements and then became my enemy,when I told him I always,chose https://him.Saddest story of a marriage I've ever https://heard.He had the man have his friends hit on me,say things as I walked by,follow me,endlessly.He has full links to my https://family.His own mother told me to take the money and https://run.She told me the truth last year, moved away and now states she never told me that.it is munipulation and lack of courage from my https://husband.He did the same thing to me twenty four years https://ago.I can't believe I took him back, let him raise my son, put me last for sixteen years, and I let https://him.He know said he never loved me.
His male friends and their wives,can, have https://him.He is going to play IT his way, as he always https://has.He wasted my time and spirit,instead of being https://honest.I will never forgive these https://people.And I will fight,just as I always https://have.I built this house with https://him.I sweat,bled for nothing but a ceiling over my head,which he feels is enough for https://us.A unfinished house that triggers his family, so much that they leave...They told https://him.They told him and he'd promised but he can only still give the minimum and make sure his reputation https://stands.He didnt care and noone can ever know the https://truth.His pride,bigger than his empathy or https://family.He truly does not https://care.He was told how to hurt me and two years I have taken it. BUT,now I'm out,completely.Everything he has done has been https://exposed.From spending,gambling,lying,avoiding family and the sabotaging munipulation is the saddest display I have ever https://saw.He believed if I have the capacity in one area Im faking my TBI,and AVM https://issues.His peers are ignorant,loyal to a fault, to my diagnosis and where I am in therapy.my sessions were listened to through zoom.it is unrepairable and grounds for divorce times ten!He has no clue what he has https://done.He was not allowed to touch the settlement and he https://did.He knew what he was doing prior to a separation. He wanted separate, he knew you cannot sell your house with a dependant on disability,without informing them,ecspecially when one is seeking a https://seperation.He knew about the studio and slipped,everything has been orchestrated in my https://life.He has changed the narrative to imply a dissociative mental state every two weeks,to me, as if I don't live it every second of every https://day.How can a person do this to someone?And expect them to walk away without their tail between their legs?

It was years ago when I broke up with a person, with whom I had been strongly attached, that I was thrown into a state of deep depression. To this day, I remember the depression and feelings of worthlessness after this person left my life. For the longest time, I kept running my life with the belief they would come back until ultimately my life changed.

One of the hardest parts of the process of letting go was learning not to compare myself with the person who left. It took strength and time to learn not to look for them and to change my focus on someone or something else.

After about three years, with support from others, my life changed and this person became just a memory. If I had compared myself to how this person was doing through those three years, I would have never made it through the difficult process of letting go and finding my new self.

There is a lot of strength in letting go, but there is even more strength in learning not to compare. Change, that is, true change, almost always happens inwardly and over a long time.

A friend of mine used a great analogy that I would like to share. At one point in your life, you may have been the water in the glass that was full, but once you were placed in a bigger glass and no longer filled it to the top, you became disheartened. Nothing truly happened to you, but the cup became bigger so you have more ways and room to grow.

It is important not to become disheartened in times of growth because God uses those times to groom, shape, mold, reveal, heal, and enlighten you. Be thankful that you now have a bigger glass to fill, and be thankful that you don’t have to compare your glass to the glass that is next to you #growth #Relationships #Memories

This is my first Christmas without my Mom. I miss her so much; but my mind is free to remember all the happiness and fun she and my Dad gave our whole family at Christmastime.

I’m so lucky to have good memories!
#Christmas #Memories #Parents