bipolarcycling

Boy has this week been a humdinger! Fits of rage, the highs of mania, and the pit of depression and back again. Actually, this is my norm but it just felt more intense than usual.

I had an appointment with my psychologist yesterday. I told her that at the beginning of my mental health journey, the highs and lows would seem to come out of nowhere and I was pissed off. It took me several years to come to terms with the fact that the rollercoaster is always going. There is no off-season. It never shuts down.

She and I talked about how to sort of go with the flow. Know that it is going to happen and be okay with it. I told her that I ride the high as long as I can and take advantage of it.

She suggested that I have some ideas of what to do to when I fall into the pit of despair.

The one thing I know to be true that no matter what, Jesus is with me. Whether I am high as a kite or as low as I can go, He is there walking beside me.

The funny thing is that the ultra-rapid cycling is almost a blessing. I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out. I have more highs than I do lows. One of my dearest friends has severe major depression. She is in bed more than she is out of bed. When she has a good day, she hangs onto it with dear life because she knows it is fleeting.

I say my ultra-rapid cycling is a blessing because I could be on the flip side where the depression is more frequent and lasts longer than the hypomania or mania.

What about you? Do you experience more mania than depression or is it the other way around? What do you do to cope with cycling?

#bipolarcycling #Bipolar #Depression #Mania #Hypomania #mentalhealthawarenss #Jesus #god

I had mentioned before that I was applying for a job. At first, it appeared like an amazing job. But things quickly unraveled which caused my bipolar to cycle and my OCD to get out of control.

I was told things that never came about. The amount I would earn was considerably less than the actual offer. People were making promises they were never intended to even promise because it wasn’t within their purview.

During the second interview, I was told I would hear from HR, paperwork would be processed and I would be starting the next week. I never received the call from HR. At the end of the week, I reached out to someone who said I would get an email. Fast forward to Monday – no email. So, I reached out to two more people before I ever got any response.

The job was eventually offered to me, with less pay, and a completely different job title. By this point, I was exhausted. After the hell I went through as well as the unprofessionalism of the people involved, I declined their offer.

I had to do what was right for my mental health. I figured that if they treated their interviewees this way, I wondered what it would be like to be an employee. On top of all that, the commute would have been horrendous every day.

I’m glad that I am at a place in my recovery where I can think clearly and make the best decisions for me and my mental health.

#Bipolar #OCD #bipolarcycling

I am in the process of looking for a job. When I am in the middle of “hunting” it is like a game. I try to find jobs that sound fun, have a cool or prestigious title, and pay a certain amount of money.

This part of the job hunt is a happy time for me. I feel like I am on top of the world and I can be a heart surgeon or lead prosecutor and put all the bad guys in prison. But, that isn’t the complete truth or reality.

Then, the downward spiral begins as I wait to hear back from recruiters or employers. The time on the clock ticks on. The days begin and end without an email, text, or phone call.

This part of the hunt is liken to the time between dusk and dawn for a real hunter. There is nothing to do but wait for that first light of the sunrise. It can get lonely in the middle of the dark forest.

During the job hunt, my bipolar cycles between elation and doom. Elation that I could be the next best at fill-in-the-blank. Or doom, nothing but silence from prospective jobs.

The one thing that is helping me during this job hunting season that keeps the highs from going to high and lows going to low is counting my blessings. I know that sounds cliché or even an over-simplified coping technique, but recounting each day what I am thankful for helps to stabilize my mood.

Before I go to bed every night, I write down in a notebook everything that day that I am thankful for. When we were without electricity for nearly two days, I was SO thankful for electricity when it finally came back on.

Reviewing what I am thankful for makes me appreciate what, in my life, is precious and meaningful. This inevitably takes the focus off myself and onto God who has given me all things that are good.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17 NIV

#Bipolar #bipolarcycling #BipolarDepression