BipolarMama13

The profoundness of the change that Motherhood brought to my life can’t be understated.  I feel like a whole new part of my life began when I realized I was pregnant with my first born, Lily, in 2013.  It’s hard for me now to remember what life was like before my three girls, it has changed me so radically. It has forced me to begin to be accountable, to myself and to my children in my life with a mental illness.  I have purpose, for the first time, to be the best wife and mother to my children I can be. As a mother of three girls aged 5 and under I have experienced both mania and depression in my journey. Depression and Mania are both parts of my BIpolar Disorder that I have struggled with since becoming a mother without requiring hospitalization.  I feel fortunate that I have been able to recognize the symptoms of both depression and mania early enough to seek help and treatment before it has gotten to the point where I am a danger to myself or others (namely my kids). I work on my mental health on a daily basis by keeping a log of my moods, tracking symptoms of both and like how much I am sleeping and eating.  I have also now begun a lifestyle change by going on a ketogenic diet. I am attempting to lose some weight and improve my quality of life through this diet. It has been one week since I started and I have lost 4lbs. in one week without exercising, just through limiting my calories on a keto diet. I am very excited about this new diet as I don’t feel hungry, which is why most of my past caloric restriction attempts have failed.  I encourage anyone looking to change their lifestyle through weight loss and diet to definitely check out a ketogenic lifestyle, because it really is so much more than a diet change, it really is a lifestyle change. Wanted to share where I am at in my journey in this space, TheMIghty has become a place that I spend more and more time. I am beginning to find a community that understands my struggles and that is very validating, to say the least.  I hope to offer my experiences and thoughts as encouragement for those of you out there that struggle too, with Bipolar Depression. Hopefully this will encourage some of you to follow me on my journey, and I look forward to getting to know some of you. I am writing under the hashtag #BipolarMama13 , in case you are interested in more of my thoughts/writing. We truly are #MightyTogether

Molly

Renaissance

I woke up in December,

the month that had heartbreaking memories

from years past,  now, was the herald of a miracle, my family had been praying for, for

33 days.

So, now, do I forgive December for its’ past offenses?  Or do I still hate it as a rembrance for all things lost those 33 days, lying in a come?

I have yet to cry enough tears to mourn the loss of those 33 days, they say “be joyful”, “forgive December, it has brought life back to you”.

Brought me back to my family, back though,

as what…

Where is my smile and confidence?

Perhaps left on the table where my heart stopped?

Where is my familiar voice?

Maybe in the tubes used to keep my lungs breathing?

Where is my compassion and warmth?

Perchance wrung out of me, like the fever that took days to break?

December, now, what have you done?

Woke me up with hopes of a new year,

Only, to dash them with the hostile unyielding winter’s frost.

More Than Roses

Hold me,

the way the night holds the moon,

a surrounding darkness

so powerful it suspends celestial bodies

in the infinite black sky.

Need me,

the way the waves need the sand

clutching at shores relentlessly, pure

wanting, never satisfied with crashing

interludes so brief.

Trust me,

the way the earth trusts the sun

to rise loyally each morning, and set dependably

every night, with the promise

of tomorrow.

Love me,

the way the tree loves the spring rains,

falling faithfully on each sprawling branch,

each growing leaf, penetrating to the roots,

nourishing places seen and unseen.