Bipolar 2 Disorder

Hi! I’m Gabby. I was treated and misdiagnosed as bipolar 2 for 16 years, and just received the proper diagnosis (ADHD and autism) and treatment at 36 y/o.

I’ve dealt with immense grief and am still perpetually misunderstood. I thought sharing my story would help others, but it’s led to me falling deeper into despair.

I’ve been met with editors telling me to omit the misdiagnosis and underdiagnosis statistics of ADHD among women (especially among Black women). It’s funny (not really) that it’s “mental health awareness” this and that until the truly grotesque components are uncomfortable. Mental illness isn’t pretty, and it’s a bummer to be told my literal lived in nightmare is too much for publishing.

The anger and sorrow I feel for not “looking” the part (ADHD and autism) is devastating. Here’s to drowning while not looking like it. 🙃🥳

I hope you all have been having a great new year, and are staying warm and safe. Honestly, I myself have been struggling and I wanted to share what I wrote about my current experiences living with bipolar disorder. I will share more about the other challenges I have been dealing with over the last year that have all combined to feed into my emotional & mental struggles in a future post.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

There is a roulette wheel in my head…

…and sometimes it just won't stop.
The ball keeps spinning, never settling in a slot
I look to my right and see black
To the left I see red yet I’m stuck on the track

I feel like a hamster spinning in his wheel
For hours into the night until I can't feel
My legs should have been tired hours ago
Yet I didn’t notice anything so lost in the flow

I'm trapped on a spinning merry-go-round
Going up and down to the cacophony of sound
My horse hugs the pole, and I can't feel my butt
It doesn't seem to matter as I am stuck in a rut

I'm on a race track speeding round and round
Hurtling at high speed, almost off the ground
As I'm going so fast totally out of control
No brakes, no down shift, just on a crazy roll

I'm in suburbia driving in circles on a roundabout
Yet I can't see the exits and make a turn out
Circling around, my steering wheel is stuck
I speed up, I get dizzy, this is just my luck

It seems in these cycles I’m always alone
I hide, avoid and ignore, never pick up the phone
It is a lonely place yet my history proceeds me
I'm so ashamed to be weak and desperately needy

Then there are the mountains to climb
I hike really fast I'm having a great time
I sprint to the top emboldened & inspired
With unlimited energy when I'm totally wired

Yet what goes up must come down
And I tumble and tumble smack to the ground
There is absolutely nothing left of that energy
Its suddenly pitch black dark  and I can't see

There are poker games near the roulette wheel
I'm a winner, it's destined, I’m a real big deal
Bid big on a pot the chips are all mine
Then I go all in and moments later I find

My hands are empty, I completely lost it all
My savings are gone as I took the fall
I slink out the door can't even afford a ride
Won't call a friend, and break through my pride

The hamster on the wheel has fallen to the ground
Can't get up although I ‘m desperate to be found
Once again on the ground I just can't move
Lost my momentum and fallen out of the groove

The park has way since closed and the merry-go-round is shuttered dark
Yet lying at the foot of my horse
I lay lost without a hint of my spark
I noticed the the paint is cracked & faded
It shows its age, is it all overrated?

My cars battery died in the middle of the track
Under the hood my wiring was way out of whack
Can't start up again as I’m just stuck in place
It looks like its destined I’ll never finish the race

I often wonder when will these cycles ever end
Will I ever find balance or just have to pretend
Like I have for decades… everything is just fine
While I’m shut down, lonely and lost in my mind

I need to embrace support available to me
Ditch the shame & pride so others can see
What's really going on as I struggle inside
It certainly has not helped me to run and hide

Can I accept support, admit when I'm so down
Or I’m high in the clouds lost to be found
I don't need sudden riches, today I ‘ll just survive
I've found the glory & blessing that I'm still alive!

Moshe Mark Adler
21st February 2025

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the photo is mine - I have been exploring nature photography)

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Bipolar2 #Bipolar1 #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #ADHD #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #PTSD #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #SocialAnxiety #Disability #Grief #DistractMe #CheckInWithMe #ParkinsonsDisease #Headache #Migraine #IfYouFeelHopeless #Trauma #COVID19 #InsideTheMighty #MightyTogether

I hope you all have been having a great new year, and are staying warm and safe. Honestly, I myself have been struggling and I wanted to share what I wrote about my current experiences living with bipolar disorder. I will share more about the other challenges I have been dealing with over the last year that have all combined to feed into my emotional & mental struggles in a future post.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

There is a roulette wheel in my head…

…and sometimes it just won't stop.
The ball keeps spinning, never settling in a slot
I look to my right and see black
To the left I see red yet I’m stuck on the track

I feel like a hamster spinning in his wheel
For hours into the night until I can't feel
My legs should have been tired hours ago
Yet I didn’t notice anything so lost in the flow

I'm trapped on a spinning merry-go-round
Going up and down to the cacophony of sound
My horse hugs the pole, and I can't feel my butt
It doesn't seem to matter as I am stuck in a rut

I'm on a race track speeding round and round
Hurtling at high speed, almost off the ground
As I'm going so fast totally out of control
No brakes, no down shift, just on a crazy roll

I'm in suburbia driving in circles on a roundabout
Yet I can't see the exits and make a turn out
Circling around, my steering wheel is stuck
I speed up, I get dizzy, this is just my luck

It seems in these cycles I’m always alone
I hide, avoid and ignore, never pick up the phone
It is a lonely place yet my history proceeds me
I'm so ashamed to be weak and desperately needy

Then there are the mountains to climb
I hike really fast I'm having a great time
I sprint to the top emboldened & inspired
With unlimited energy when I'm totally wired

Yet what goes up must come down
And I tumble and tumble smack to the ground
There is absolutely nothing left of that energy
Its suddenly pitch black dark  and I can't see

There are poker games near the roulette wheel
I'm a winner, it's destined, I’m a real big deal
Bid big on a pot the chips are all mine
Then I go all in and moments later I find

My hands are empty, I completely lost it all
My savings are gone as I took the fall
I slink out the door can't even afford a ride
Won't call a friend, and break through my pride

The hamster on the wheel has fallen to the ground
Can't get up although I ‘m desperate to be found
Once again on the ground I just can't move
Lost my momentum and fallen out of the groove

The park has way since closed and the merry-go-round is shuttered dark
Yet lying at the foot of my horse
I lay lost without a hint of my spark
I noticed the the paint is cracked & faded
It shows its age, is it all overrated?

My cars battery died in the middle of the track
Under the hood my wiring was way out of whack
Can't start up again as I’m just stuck in place
It looks like its destined I’ll never finish the race

I often wonder when will these cycles ever end
Will I ever find balance or just have to pretend
Like I have for decades… everything is just fine
While I’m shut down, lonely and lost in my mind

I need to embrace support available to me
Ditch the shame & pride so others can see
What's really going on as I struggle inside
It certainly has not helped me to run and hide

Can I accept support, admit when I'm so down
Or I’m high in the clouds lost to be found
I don't need sudden riches, today I ‘ll just survive
I've found the glory & blessing that I'm still alive!

Moshe Mark Adler
21st February 2025

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the photo is mine - I have been exploring nature photography)

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Bipolar2 #Bipolar1 #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #ADHD #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #PTSD #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #SocialAnxiety #Disability #Grief #DistractMe #CheckInWithMe #ParkinsonsDisease #Headache #Migraine #IfYouFeelHopeless #Trauma #COVID19 #InsideTheMighty #MightyTogether

To make you laugh on this wonderful Saturday of the weekend #funny #humour #DistractMe

I know I’ve posted this before but if any new members to the group didn’t see it, below is a link to a blog I write about ‘Living with Bipolar Disorder’. I hope you find it useful and helpful in your own situation suffering from this pain of an illness.

If you have any questions please feel free to reach out and ask them in the comment section. If you would prefer you can always send me a direct message on here and I’ll endeavour to assist you as much as I can.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend 👌

livingthebipolardiary.wordpress.com

#MentalHealth #MightyTogether

When I went through chemo+radiation for cancer, the after effects I was told could be temporary, are chronic.

I learned #Advocacy

I research my illnesses daily, because learning is constant.

#Bipolar2 #MoodDisorders #BodyDysmorphia #Cancer #SuicidalThoughts #Grief

When I went through chemo+radiation for cancer, the after effects I was told could be temporary, are chronic.

I learned #Advocacy

I research my illnesses daily, because learning is constant.

#Bipolar2 #MoodDisorders #BodyDysmorphia #Cancer #SuicidalThoughts #Grief