Breast Cancer

Hello, I have been having a little bit of an emotional hard time these last few days.

When I was 14 I lost my mother to breast cancer. I mean I was 14, a teenager, freshman in high school. Had no idea how to deal with the loss of a parent let alone my mother. Who was going to help me get ready for my first date, first high school dance? Who was going to help me get though my first heartbreak. Yes I did still have my father but he was also mourning the loss of the love of his life. He didn’t know how to raise a high school teenage girl. He did his best. Even taking me to buy new shoes when I went through my first heartbreak 🤣❤️ who doesn’t love new shoes? This was the first loss I had to deal with at a young age.

Well 14 years pass and it’s 2019, I’m 2 days past my 29th birthday. I wake up and head to my fathers room to wake him because his alarm had been going off for a few minutes. I thought to myself, he must be so tired if the alarm isn’t waking him. I get to the door way and my heart sinks. He isn’t waking because he passed away in his sleep. I knew the minute I got to the door. He was pale and my 1 dog was glued to his back and wouldn’t leave his side. Got closer cold to the touch, lips were blueish purple from being cold. Surprisingly I was very calm in this moment and was able to call 9-1-1. This was a long day. A long sad day. So many calls I had to make. So many questions I had to answer. He was my rock, my held everything together the best he could. Even when he had to deal with his own health issues. He had congestive heart failure along with diabetes and was in stage 4 kidney failure. But still everyday was there for me, helped me and raised me to be the strong woman I am today. Always made me laugh with his dumb dad jokes that are funny because he makes them funny while he’s telling them.

I’m relieved both my parents are not in pain anymore and are back with each other living out their eternal lives together. They were each others best friend, love of each others lives. Amazing parents to myself and my older brother. Fun, loving and caring people.

But here I am now 33 years old. I don’t think I’ve totally grieved both these losses and am having a hard time with both of them and missing them dearly. I have an amazing fiancé, whom both my parents would have loved so much. Building this beautiful life together while they are not here to go through these milestones with. I know they are here in sperit but it’s just not the same. Not the same to not have my mother help me get ready on my wedding day, or my father to not be here to walk me down the aisle to this amazing man that came into my life and the perfect time. To be here to meet my future step daughters. To buy my first house (sometime in the future lol) these are the things that are going to be so hard to go through without them. I miss their voices and their laughs and hugs. I miss them so much. Thank you to both of them for helping me be the women I am today ❤️

I have lived a number of years with multiple chronic/incurable conditions. This week I finished my assessment with my new therapist and in-addition to validating all the existing mental health diagnoses I knew already, she gave me a tentative new one of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Now, other than having seen "Girl Interrupted" I didn't know much about what BPD actually is. The more I've learned though, the more moments from my past have started to make sense. A lot of "ah-ha" moments for me this week.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder  #Anxiety #Depression  #PTSD  #MentalHealth  #Fibromyalgia  #ChronicFatigueSyndrome  #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis  #ChronicFatigue  #ChronicPain #BreastCancer  #ThyroidCancer #PanicAttacks  #PanicAttack #ChronicIllness

Any advice for breast cancer and fibromyalgia before and after the surgery for breast cancer? Any advice it will be important to me please. Thanks.

Whether or not fatigue is getting to me, I find music playing can help my energy immensely. I’ll have the energy to cook if 80s classic rock is playing. I’ll actually remember and embrace self-care if soothing instrumentals are in the air. Whatever the need music will get me out of my head and help me take the action I need. Anyone else have a fav genre or artist to go with an activity or “recharge” self-care time? #ChronicIllness #ChronicFatigue #Fibromyalgia #BreastCancer

So I don’t know who I can talk to about this really. I guess it will have to wait for my counseling visit when I get back to CA. I got upset tonight, after a lovely and special day. We watched the total solar eclipse in Public Square in Cleveland Ohio with our daughter her love. It was spectacular! We went to opening day at Progressive ballpark, for The Guardians. They won 4 to 0 against The Chicago White Sox.

It was the eighth inning when my daughter and I were talking..She noted that since we moved nine months ago, that there were most likely no more of her childhood things in our house.-I told her that any of her toys or her sisters I gave to The American Cancer Thrift store. I told her I kept two of her childhood drawings.(They are on the doors inside our linen closet.)

I also said that I found a drawing that her sister (my oldest who estranged herself from us) did at around 10 years old..titled “Acapulco Deli Barf!” I told her the story behind the deli..She remembered going there. It was apparently very graphic for both daughters! I suppose it was the bizarre food variety, Lambs legs, calves tongue,intestines,and God knows what else!?

I mentioned that I was thinking about mailing the drawing to her sister.-That maybe she’d get a kick out of it.? She told me to:”Leave her alone.!” She also said that anything I sent her was going to go through my son in law, and he’d do whatever with it as he saw fit! It occurred to me that my oldest daughter never even read the letter I sent her one year and eleven months ago.

I don’t even know what I apologized for, nor what I did to that child?! I sent a letter and two packages with kid things that I’d kept for her. She didn’t even pay me the respect of looking at it!?

At the game, I felt myself getting angry, sad, and I felt disrespected..I try to be grateful, but wow it’s hard sometimes! I Love my oldest daughter, but I don’t know how I feel now. She’s the child who constantly tried to throw herself out of our lives without reason. I felt myself losing composure..I thought I was going to burst into tears. I excused myself and tried very hard not to lose it in the stadium restroom.

Why does my oldest daughter hate me so badly? What did I do to make her shut me out completely? I can’t help that she has Stage 4 HER 2 breast cancer! I did not give it to her! If I could take the illness from her myself, I would! My heart is broken. I hurt so very deeply some days..

I don’t want to have my oldest daughter’s craziness affect my relationship with my younger daughter. I Love that daughter dearly..though I wish she hadn’t said what she did. Maybe I would have been ok with the delusion that there’s a chance that my older child, would allow herself a walk down memory lane as a child if I mailed her the funny art works she’d done back then?-When things were good, and perhaps she felt Loved by us?-When she was free always to express herself. Lord knows we tried..

My youngest and I were relatively quiet on the way, of her and her boyfriend dropping us off at our air b n b. They said that they’d forgotten to give their dog water, before heading out on the day. We understood. Plus, maybe we’d spent enough time together for the extended weekend?

My husband told me tonight that he gave up on our oldest daughter or caring about her two years ago…That’s hard for me to hear that. He’s her dad. Did he ever really care, or love her? Why do I feel he’s just devoid of any emotion? I know he feels, but what? He only feels sadness for how I feel for how this is all so difficult for me.? What else?

I hoped writing about this would help me, but I’ve only cried a lot. I try to be positive, but some days, no matter what’s happened around me, if something gets me..I just don’t feel well. #Depression #Cancers (daughter) #Loneliness #MentalHealth

Hi, my name is Missingnormal. I'm here because
I was diagnosed with gastroparesis in 2016. I also was diagnosed with breast cancer that same year. I had surgery to remove the cancer and went through six years of treatment but a cancer free and doing well in that regard. My gastroparesis though seems to totally change every time I have Covid or any major illnesss. I also have developed diabetes. One of the hardest things is people not accepting the fact that this illness is not going to suddenly go away. It is a permanent issue and there will be good days and bad. I’ve gradually come to accept this and am thankful that I am still able to eat most days although I use a liquid supplement almost daily and never eat like a normal person. Please accept me and my disease(s) for what they are. I’m doing my best.#MightyTogether #Gastroparesis

Hi, my name is wufkandela.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #ADHD #BreastCancer