Cancer

I have some acquaintances in a near by senior group-but I could not make friends— if I gave my phone- i texted too much- the relationships did not work- I think they feel I would be too much

so, my husband’s friends- I don’t think care so much abt the texting— but I have a difficult time tolerating my husband’s friends/ I am beginning to see they may be my best option-

around where I live- they too upset me very much-

it is where would be good?

maybe best I stay right here.

I bothered my sister-about two or three times w texts- but this iis typically rare

not being a bother to family/ is like so important to me.

then ‘ again/ i have no connection w my husband again- i am safe.

soun so depressing-my next step is a retirement home

I have to think abt where I have been

-the reality- is so depressing, so depressing for me/

Understand some people have more difficult challenges— and still keep a positive attitude- I applaud these people.- good going. Keep on keeping on.

i should tell myself the same-

i do have time- some time to get myself out there. I should make the most of every opportunity-

instead of sitting in my chair

what is so so hard/ when I had my first Dr. - he said I was depressed/ I said “bc I am here”.( in a psych hospital-

the other patients acted in ways I did. not appreciate - I did not like being there at all The dr said/ - “ I don’t think so”

the only way to leave was to sign out -AMA

i was told the insurance would not pay-

before too long I began unloading on the dr- psychiatrist- telling him how I felt/

the dr used the words decisions

a

before i knew I waz a person I did not know. My thoughts were different/ I acted differently/

After that my life changed forever

I wanted my old self back/ the dr dropped me as a patient bc i would not go in the hospital again/ i iN my mind my struggles at the time were minimal but someone asked me to marry him/ all the dr said was “ i don’t think so.”

we were so in love. My family loved this person

the doctor gave me a referral bc i refused to go back in the hospital under his care-

this dr had too much control over me/ - he encouraged me to cheat on this boyfriend/ i did/ I am not a cheater

In my mind this Dr - turned me into someone i did not know- and o did not feel I liked.

I said - “ no I won’t go in the hospital ‘l

hr dropped me as a patient on a the spot- w a referral

i tried to explain. To him why i didn’t want to go in the hospital again. I said - “ you changed me!”

he replied “ how can I change you ?”

not much more was said- he did not seem to care/

this Dr had again highly encouraged me to create a big problem at my job. I had no idea how to handle this problem. Another way this Dr had such control over me. I was unable to go against this Dr.

The Dr said— “whatever you do keep going to work/ “

I did not know what happened to me. I had told this Dr I had never heard of a psychiatrist bf. Or a therapist. Or anything to do emotional problems.

I was so confused.

I had gotten dependent on this Dr.

i tried the referral. No help/ no connection/

i lasted only a; few days at work/

in a few days time -I lost my fiancé , my job and all my friends-

when I was under this drs care/ i asked him if o could see my friends. He replied-“ not yet.’”

this Dr had been in control/

I loved some of these friends. I loved my fiancé

I loved my job.

my dad had cancer at the time

i ended up taking another leave of absence from my job.

In my mind - w the lack of structure from my job - is how i got schizophrenia.

So it has been a long battle. That first hospitalization happened when i was 25 .it has taken close to 50 years for me to finally get off the meds/ wishful thinking- I am not there yet.a but I am hopeful. I have health issues i think bc of some meds. . A lot remains to be seen.

In my mind i was happy bf that dr got a hold of me..I was very happy - i loved my job and i loved my friends

And now/ 50 years later- I realize after - i have tried to get in touch w a friend recently/ from the past - it does not work/ i simply/ can’t forget all i have been through / all my mom went through- all my siblings went through-no children.

my husband is a nice person/

I did have a boyfriend when i went into the hospital-the first time- this boyfriend was not-a nice person- he was abusive-( mildly) .

I think- instead of that first Dr changing my entire personality.-in that first hospitalization -

then dumping me w no support/

that Dr been better if he had encouraged me to stand up to some of the women. Or had I seen a social worker, a psychologist.- who would have helped me -break up w the abusive boyfriend.. And left me the hell alone except for helping me stand up to some of those women.

some of the group of friends that I had - though some were nice people.- some of them -like my husband’s friends a were insensitive. And some not nice.

I am very sensitive.

i .- what happened is i had heard voices/ -only once - while at work.

when one of the girls acted out- I buried it. I totally stopped going back to my college. So I had stopped that support -support I needed. I should have stood up to the woman who upset me to the point I stopped going back to school - instead of doing that I latched on to this abusive boyfriend

but of course I was not told that what I should stand up to some of the girls. by a professional.a until about- 50 years later-

I just can’t get past the past. So, I am afraid—I think all those relationships from the past are gone/

for good -

I dk. But Maybe

in my mind I was very happy back then.

o just can’t get past the past

-still thr loss of many of those friends is so heartbreaking 💔 a loss even now is so hard to take. So, you can imagine how o felt after that dr i dropped me as a patient. It was gut wrenching - my boyfriend -who o loved very much and.i was so so happy w., lost my job.my friends.

I have to accept what i have. And realize- many of those girls-are in.different place than me. best to stay away- life now is a lot different than when I was in my early 20’s. Acceptance

i realize- a number of people -here have situations that require more struggle. And create more challenge. I think I should keep this in my mind/I wish you well- everyone here/ 🙏🙏

look for gratitude

I don’t know what i can do about the loss. / have to let go. .. eventually.

and there are some people here- who have a lot more in their lives than I do.

i think we all have to try to continue to do the best we can.

in my mind -my problem were exacerbated by the diagnostic psychiatrist I went to who recommended a psychiatrist and a hospital. At the time my only mission was to break up a the boyfriend.-—and stand up to a few women back at school. It turned out to be so so much more.

I understand it was’ my decision to go in the hospital / but it ruined me. I was not safe.

even 50 years later. It is still difficult for me to go against medical advice.

I did connect w 1 friend from this group.- partially throughout this process - it was after the nursing home that I was able to talk all about the group of girls/ and some of the things that happened 50 years ago. this friend said to me/ all you had to do was stand up to some of the girls. But I don’t hear from this friend anymore. And if I did - I don’t know the relationship would work. This friend was extremely kind to me.

The friend who o recently contracted- .this is when I found out things would most likely not work. I have to try to fix - this.- this friend was unbelievably kind to me back then.

The things about all this is- most all the women/ from 50 years ago/ except maybe 2 - were kinder and nicer/ but the same - not so sensitive /as my husband’s friends.

Life goes on is you are lucky 🍀

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