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    Wish it was over #Rainbowbridge #FuckCancer #dogsshouldliveforever #BipolarDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

    I had to put two of my best friends down today cause old age and cancer and dementia. They were my babies. I’m in mourning I’m bawling every chance I get. Then calm for a little bit. It was this morning and even though I have two of mine here and my roommates dog the house seems soooo quiet. I want to cut just a little to transferu to the pain. But my hubby and roommate are watching me. I won’t cut. Well one. They hid everything and I know I’ll regret it later and another line to cover up. I miss my boys Emerson and Tyberious (em and ty). I needed to write. My heart is just broken


    Resistance Is Futile: I hated medication. But I can’t live without it.

    Part 1 of 2 In the midnight hour of my parents’ spacious San Marino home, I begin thumping my head repeatedly against their floor-to-ceiling windows. There was never intent to hurt myself, I enjoy the thunder-like sounds.

    “Winston, why are you doing this?! Pleeeese stop,” my aunt Joyce, visiting from Hawaii, pleads from across the room.

    The night before, I found myself screaming at my parents at the top of my lungs, voice going hoarse, neck veins bulging. I force them to sit and stare at each other, convinced their affectionless relationship is one of cohabitating, unfeeling zombies. I see no love.

    Positive they are hurting themselves, I decide to hurt myself, so they can stop hurting themselves. An Ed Norton scene in Fight Club was my inspiration. Watching him assault himself was the pièce de résistance of the film. He got everything he wanted. So there I was, pounding my head against the glass.

    My cold but concerned father, a cancer physician, calls 911. Sirens sound, lights turn on, the front door busts open. A tall San Marino cop wrestles me to the ground. My heart pounds. The cop mashes my face against the light brown hardwood floor. Another cop handcuffs my wrists, metal squeezing deep into my flesh. I can’t breathe. An ambulance transports me under the glaring, fluorescent lights of Las Encinas Hospital, a place for psychiatric patients. My father attempts to soothe me, placing his chilly hand on my forehead. I want to spit in his face. If only I weren’t strapped to a gurney.

    This is my first 5150. A danger to myself or others. One of several to follow. I don’t believe in this moment that medication is the solution, a lesson I will have to learn the hard way.

    It wasn’t always like this. The first 20 years of my life I was diagnosis-free, excelling in academics, music, and athletics. I was a gentle Christian kid, loved basketball, liked Bible studies. I took people to church and told silly jokes. Having a girlfriend escaped me in college, however. So here I was. My mind unraveled the months prior with falling grades, bizarre behavior, and festering aggression. The National Alliance on Mental Health reports 75% of lifetime mental illness begins by 24.

    A right-thinking person could have avoided the hospital, maybe written a note to his parents or protest their company. Something subtle. But I had some obsession with trying to make everything perfect, by hook or by crook.

    During my first hospitalization, I’m terrified, caged in the sterile confines of whitewashed walls with no way out. I tell myself that worshipping Jesus will free me, like his disciples when they were in jail. When that doesn’t happen, I tell myself I’ll find a way out by day three, just like Jesus found his way out of a tomb.

    Delusions are symptoms of psychotic disorders, per the DSM-5. The National Institute of Mental Health reports 3 percent of the US population will experience a psychotic episode in life.

    Making things difficult, I refuse medication. I escape the locked ward the third day (think Shawshank Redemption), only to find the aforementioned police at my parents’ place ready to drive me to the hospital. Once I’m back, a judge releases me after a commitment hearing, saying involuntary commitment is unnecessary.

    I confuse the judge’s decision as a declaration of mental stability. Off meds, I partake in risky behavior, punching my father, lighting fires inside my parents’ home, smoking at gas stations and living in my car. On meds I graduate from UCLA (2003), teach in private schools and make friends.

    But I keep trying to quit meds. I stop abruptly, my mind frazzles. I dress up like Osama bin Ladin, then steal and lose my cousin’s dog after a 400-mile trip. I swear the San Jose deejay is sending me messages through the radio, confirming my soon-to-be famous status. According to Neuroscience Research Australia, psychotic relapse is the recurrence of untreated psychotic symptoms.

    In 2004 I track cars as I’m driving on the Bay Area freeways, comparing the queue to a baseball lineup. I’m the fourth car, I must be the cleanup hitter. At night I sit on the street, trying to predict the color of the next car I’ll see, as if this can be known.

    One day I enter the San Francisco Airport, convinced I’ll meet a romantic partner, but it’s another delusion called erotomania, where you imagine someone’s in love with you, but they’re not. I spend a fluorescent-filled night organizing pieces of trash from garbage cans: This is where I’ll keep the metallic-looking things. This is where I’ll keep the paper. In the morning, I return to the parking lot to find I don’t have enough cash to exit. I reenter the airport in socks (I’ve tossed a fresh pair of red Skechers).

    “Can I help with your luggage?” I ask, aware tha


    What to do... what to do....

    What do you do when the surgeon says you need to be in as quickly as possible to avoid losing the precise location needed, but his scheduler (a.k.a., his girlfriend) says he doesn't have any time for you in the next couple of weeks without "adding a day" and you just have to wait for her to call you back this evening...only to have it be 36 hours later and still no phone call.

    What to do??? What to do????

    #Cancer #ColonCancer

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    What brings you the most shame?

    Shame is a difficult feeling to have. Coming from personal experience, shame can be debilitating and hard to move past. Right now I'm battling the shame that comes with having a mental health condition and not seeming like I have things "all put together."

    🌹 P.S. If shame is getting you down right now, know that you're not alone and it's OK to not feel OK. We can take baby steps together in getting to a better place. We won't feel this shame forever.

    #CheckInWithMe #Grief #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #PTSD #EatingDisorders #ChronicIllness #RareDisease #ChronicPain #Spoonie #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #CrohnsDisease #Cancer #Migraine #Fibromyalgia #MultipleSclerosis

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    Deep breathing

    Normally when we breathe, we think we are breathing fully. But now that you are conscious of it, take in a big breath and see how much more room there is in your lungs to fill. When you practice bigger breaths, notice how this not only calms your body, but it also takes your mind off of things like anger. Does this help anyone?

    ~ Thanks to all. Thanks for all. ~

    Speaking of thanks for all, I was hoping we could acknowledge everyone who comments below. I know it seems like a small gesture, but many people here have never opened up to anyone before and being open and honest with strangers can be quite scary. So, if we could show our gratitude by giving their comment a simple reply or heart, I’m sure they would really appreciate your team support. What do you say?

    #MentalHealth #Depression #Suicide #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Addiction #dissociativedisorders #OCD #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #POTS #PTSD #Cancer #RareDisease #Disability #Autism #Diabetes #EatingDisorders #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #RheumatoidArthritis #Schizophrenia #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome

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    Notice how the mind loves to try to convince you that you should be doing more. No matter how far you go or how much you accomplish, it will insist there is more you need to do. Even when you are on vacation and simply resting, the mind will tell you, you are wasting your time. But life is not about getting anywhere. There is no destination or finish line. If you let your mind convince you of these things, you will constantly think you are not good enough. Can you relate to this? How do you ignore the constant pressures that your mind tries to attack you with?

    ~ Thanks to all. Thanks for all. ~

    Speaking of thanks for all, I was hoping we could acknowledge everyone who comments below. I know it seems like a small gesture, but many people here have never opened up to anyone before and being open and honest with strangers can be quite scary. So, if we could show our gratitude by giving their comment a simple reply or heart, I’m sure they would really appreciate your team support. What do you say?

    #MentalHealth #Depression #Suicide #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Addiction #dissociativedisorders #OCD #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #POTS #PTSD #Cancer #RareDisease #Disability #Autism #Diabetes #EatingDisorders #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #RheumatoidArthritis #Schizophrenia #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome


    How can fashion function for those undergoing cancer treatment?

    Below is an abstract that I am submitting on behalf of my client, Founder and CEO of Care+Wear, Chaitenya (Chat) Razdan that will explore the rise of adaptive clothing and how fashion can function for those undergoing cancer treatment.

    Once you have had the opportunity to review, do you think this would be a good topic to explore further?

    Thank you for your consideration!


    The Functional Fashion Frontier: Threads That Are More Than Just a Trend

    As seen this year at the notoriously inaccessible New York Fashion Week, the industry is currently undergoing a much-needed shift. Audiences looked on as models with disabilities showcased adaptive clothing that not only attended to their functional needs but tapped into their stylish sides as well. Brands like Tommy Hilfiger, Target, Kohl’s, JCPenney and more have already started creating stylish clothing that helps solve difficulties for those who struggle to dress independently due to various conditions. The groundwork has been laid and hopes are high that we will continue to see the rise of a new crop of brands uncovering ways to expand the adaptive clothing industry even further.

    One population that has been overlooked and underserved when it comes to clothing that is both fashionable and functional is that of cancer patients undergoing treatment. According to the National Cancer Institute, about million people per year are diagnosed with cancer in the United States. That’s almost 2 million people a year who not only must tackle the challenges of managing and treating cancer, but who also have lives that go beyond their diagnoses. They too should be afforded the opportunity to be comfortable during treatment and then go on about their day without having to change, ultimately giving them one less thing to stress about. In this byline Founder and CEO of Care+Wear, Chaitenya (Chat) Razdan, will answer the question “How can fashion function for those undergoing cancer treatment?” Using real patient stories, Chat will explore how a special bra, hoodie, blouse, or top can help bring comfort and dignity to those facing a cancer diagnosis.

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    This is myself and my ex (we’ll call him D). D and I dated about 2 years ago for about a year and a half (started in 2019). I gave up EVERYTHING for him. I was in a severe mental state, suffering from PPD, PPA, and PTSD as well as untreated Bipolar 2 and ADHD. My ex fiancé (we will call him M) and I had a child in late 2018. We were living with his toxic family, he had total control over my life, I had no job, no license, no real family to go to, he made me completely isolated. Fast forward to early 2019, I met D a long time before that via a “friend” and we stayed in touch minorly over the years. We really started connecting around late 2018. By the time 2019 hit M had given up on me and his family just became more and more toxic. I started meeting up with D in secret. We would just talk, nothing else. But early 2019 I told M I was in love with D, he didn’t even seem to care. In April I ended up going off the deep end, I wanted to kill myself. So I went to the only family I had left and I stayed there for a few days. Over the course of those few days M broke off our engagement, which hurt at first but wasn’t so bad considering we hadn’t loved one another for years but I knew nothing else and was completely dependent on him, so I stayed. I was homeless at that point, I had gotten a job that I worked 18.5 hours a week at and I was spending my nights in D’s car or on his drunk mothers couch which she started charging me $400 a month for. Finally I got an apartment, sorta. M got full legal custody of our son due to my mental state. I was able to take the bus and Uber to my son and work. D would sometimes drive me. Sometime in early 2020 I moved in with D and COVID hit. I couldn’t see my son due to his family having medical issues. My mom was diagnosed with cancer on my birthday and died exactly 2 months later. I was the only one with her when she died. She was at home, I was taking care of her. Giving her meds, changing her diapers, trying to get her to eat. It was horrible and watching her die was traumatic to say the least. We buried her next to her parents and my aunt and I went through her whole apartment. It was so sad and I didn’t know how to handle that. I started going off the deep end again, hurting myself really badly, getting into petty arguments, shutting out work and my son. I ended up in the hospital. In the parking lot D said to me “if you go in there you’ll never get your son back.” I was so numb I didn’t even care. I did my time and got better but as soon as I came home I was depressed again. I packed up my stuff and moved in with a friend for a few months till I got a place of my own. When I came back up here I got back together with D, but he was just using me for sex. He ghosted me after a few months and started seeing someone else. I was heartbroken. After a few months he told me we didn’t work because I had a son and he never wanted to be a parent. I cried. I had never felt a love like I had with D and to this day I still love him. Fast forward to now, D and his girlfriend broke up a few weeks ago. He had rearranged his whole life to be with her, like I somewhat had with him, and now he was lost. He turned to me for comfort. We have a mutual understanding this time that he is solely using me as a crutch till he can figure himself out. But I’m so torn. I still love him but he doesn’t love me. I was so happy with him, I thought, but now I’m not so sure. He’s lost some of his values that we shared. For example: he’s started taking edibles and I and strictly against getting high due to personal reasons. And he used to agree with me on that. He’s cold and detached but then sometimes he seems like the old D I used to know. I don’t want to separate from him again because I want to help him stop hurting, even for a blip. But it’s toxic to me. I know the right answer is to let him go and move on, but I just can’t. I’m not strong enough. I love him and I hate it. #PTSD #Bipolar2Disorder #PostpartumDepression #PostpartumAnxiety #ADHD #ADHDInGirls #toxiclove #toxicrelationship #Abuse

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    What endometriosis symptom is the most difficult or challenging to manage?

    Endometriosis symptoms can vary from person to person, but we know some symptoms can be more challenging than others to treat and stay on top of.

    Whether it’s fatigue, nausea, pelvic pain, dysmenorrhea (severe and frequent menstrual cramps and pain during your period), or dyspareunia (genital pain associated with sexual intercourse), what symptom do you find to be the most challenging or difficult to manage? Share with the group in the comments below. ⬇️

    #OvarianCancer #RheumatoidArthritis #Cancer #Endometriosis #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #Diabetes


    Don’t Quit Your Daydream

    I have always been transparent about my life. From my struggles with depression as a tween, to my bipolar as a teen, and now my battles with lupus and mania as an adult.

    I have never hidden behind masks because I believe speaking openly and candidly can save lives if done with care.

    Lately, I’ve been feeling relatively happy- I am truly living my daydream. Yes, I have my medical complications and I have to go to the hospital on Monday for cancer screenings and I’m worried sick.

    But I’m trying to stay with a positive attitude and and a grateful heart. I have my dream job, good health care, a good routine, and a solid support system.

    Nothing can be 100% all the time and if you keep waiting for forever… forever will never come.

    Seize the day. There is no day but today.

    I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and yes, I’m scared as hell, but God’s got this.

    “Don’t quit your day dream, it ain’t big enough if it doesn’t scare the hell out of you”.

    #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ImposterSyndrome #BipolarDepression #ChronicDepression