The Race of my Life #Depression #Insomnia #Suicide #SuicidalIdeation Anxietycomplex-PTSD #chronicillnesn #OCD #MentalIllness #Selfharm
Hello , I am watching the last few threads of my sanity slowly unwinding as my new meds side effects and all try to give me a mood higher than 0. I wonder who will win this race. Insanity or these new meds and us putting one foot in front of the other and leaning in the hope that momentum carries us forward.
My brain has a constant stream of noise on a loop. Voice who are perhaps fractured parts of me as a result of a horrific childhood #Trauma of repeated #sexual assault, neglect, abuse and the regular inner #self hate, alone with the creaky shadows I sometimes think I see in my peripheral. I don’t ever sleep any more. I am hyper vigilant. My brain lets my body takes little naps. This night it gave me 3 hours and 22 mins. My new meds make me queasy, edgy, agitated, head aches, increase my suicidal ideation , desire to self harm and give me about 10 more of sleep, Great. Yes I know it takes time for them to kick in but unfortunately my last threads are about to unwind. I have repeatedly tried the recommended relaxation techniques . Sitting still is suffocating and makes my skin hurt on the inside where the only way out is a pain stimulus, it causes major Panic #Anxiety reactions and gives me 3D high def in living colour night-terrors
Both of my therapists and my Psychiatrist are working well with me. The question is will it be in time?
I thought I was at rock bottom as far as my depressions goes. The darkest of my entire life. Then I discovered rock bottom has a basement.. I am again in a crowd and again unable to find where or if I fit . That is no surprise..
By the by Insanity is in the lead.