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    Powerless

    I recently joined 'reddit' and posted a comment on a self harm scar. My comment was insensitive and I will not repeat it here. It was the reply that I received which really opened my eyes to my own trauma.

    The reply from the "redditor" was "I am sorry you are feeling powerless over your own body". I never thought about it this way. I know one thing for sure. The trauma took something away from me that day. It took my confidence and my care free attitude and left a bitter taste in my mouth.

    I want that happy go lucky kid back. The other side of the argument is finally growing up and entering the 'real world'. It could be a combination of both although I consider it was mostly my poor decisions catching up with me.

    12 long years have passed since I was assaulted and time has done little to heal the pain. I am just as angry and grief stricken as the day the incident occurred. I was not in control of the situation and maybe this is why I feel the way that I do?

    Revenge plays on my mind a lot and I catch myself drifting in and out of seeking vengeance. I have medication which temporarily assists in levelling my emotions and focusing on the here and now.

    My mind will play tricks on me from time to time; starting me off on a road of revenge only to lead me to grief and misery. I am of the belief that revenge will do little to heal my pain as the damage has well and truly been done.

    #power #powerless #MightyTogether #TheMighty #Friends #foes #Love #hate #betrayal #Depression #ChronicFatigue #PTSD #Pain #suffering #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Scars #Trauma #Revenge #rut #despair #hopelessness #self #Selfesteem #Confidence #Happiness #Hope #pleasure #Healing #Recovery #Addiction #selfmedicate #Hope #Emotion #CPTSD #Grief #Survivor

    11 reactions 2 comments
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    Black Dog

    George Bernard Shaw said, “A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time. When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, ‘The one I feed the most’.”#Trauma #Love #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Lonliness #Sadness #Depression #Lonliness #self #Friends #Family #sad #Emotion #Life #MakeMeLaugh #Shame #Guilt #suffering #Pain #hurt #struggle #Happiness #peace #MightyMinute

    10 reactions 4 comments
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    Competitive Sport

    By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

    It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

    I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

    If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

    There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

    My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

    It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

    My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

    It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

    In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

    #self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

    5 reactions 1 comment
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    I don’t have many friends and I’m really lonely I used to message my partner all the time and I guess became codependent would anyone be my friend?

    Hi sorry I’m going through a tough time everything in life is wrong right now and I’m just trying to survive and start from zero again. Would anyone be ok being friends or checking in on each other from time to time ? DM Chat or comments ? Thank you if you don’t mind, I’m really struggling and need to reach out for help,

    Gonna do my best to check out counselling if free or something I could afford as I’m unemployed and struggle to keep a job. Thank you for any kind words or anyone who doesn’t mind checking on each other everyone now and then. It would mean a lot during this hard time. Thank you everyone, and any help really means so much. #Selflove #Trying #Pain #inpain #Crisis #Tryinghard #hurt #anger #disappoinent #Unexpected #breakup #notcopingwell #ThankYou #lonely #friend #praying #hopeallworksout #ThankYou #reminders #Anxiety #Trying #future #Fear #Pain #Depression #help #self -help #needtobestrong #counselling #reachout #cheerup #DistractMe #needafriend

    19 reactions 10 comments
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    ¥ " What Being A °PAGAN° And Discovering A Fun Religion Mean's To Me " ¥

    ☆ " I Have Been Discovering "ASATRU" For About 2 Year's Now... I Have Piece's Of Jewelry That Mean Alot To Me... Now I'm On The Hunt To Collect And Read.. "The Havamal" The Poetic Edda. Being Outside Bring's Me Solitude And Peace... My Religion Make's Me Feel Less Alone And That I'm Unique... And That Nobody Can Define Or Change Who I'am. No Matter What I Believe In..." ☆ #self Discovery - SKADI -

    6 reactions 2 comments
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    ♡ " I Got Myself A Christmas Gift For Me.. Yaay " ♡#self -Love

    ♡ " I Bought Myself My Very 1st Thor's Hammer Pendant I Will Post A Picture When It Arrive's.... And I Wish Listed Some Scented Candle's ... 😉 I Don't Know If You Call This Self Love For Myself... But It's Working Lolz..." ♡ #self -Love ° SKADI KVITRAVN °

    33 reactions 11 comments
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    Ending Relationships! Who is to Blame?

    How many relationships have you ended do to toxic behaviors? The family member, coworkers, friends, that have made you feel uncomfortable, not understood, unworthy of love or acceptance? I’m willing to bet that most of us on this site have experienced this. After years of therapy, group and with a trauma therapist, I’ve come to realize that, as unpopular as this is, I am also to blame for the ending of these relationships. I’ve had a long conversation with a former family member that I cut out of my life due to what I perceived as a toxic relationship. I blamed her for most of my self esteem problems and felt that she was one of the causes of my mental health problems. Over Thanksgiving, she took the bold step to try to reconnect with me. I’m grateful that she did. After a long emotional conversation, I’ve come to realize that the people I cut out of my life for being toxic we’re glad that I was gone. They saw me as toxic! The one who was always so quick to judge, who always said they were putting everyone else first, but in reality, that was far from the truth. I know that when I cut these people out of my life I thought they would miss me and regret that I was not there. Just the opposite happened. They were relieved that I was gone. A very hard lesson to learn. Be careful what you wish for. Cutting “toxic” people out of your life isn’t always the answer. Maybe, just maybe, you are the toxic one who has caused a lot of hard ache for people. Maybe you are the one who needs a good look in the mirror. Maybe you were selfish and overthinking everything. I’m forever grateful that my family member was willing to share with me the hard truths and that we can begin to come together. I need to stop blaming others and start looking at their lives and their challenges and how they are trying to be fair. I have a dual diagnosis of Bipolar and BPD. I need to work on not letting my diagnosis define all my relationships as toxic. Hard work ahead but worth it in the end ! #Working towards healing relationships. #self reflection #BPD #Bipolar

    9 reactions 2 comments
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    Do you spend your whole life chasing a diagnosis #Depression #Anxiety #PMDD #CPTSD #self harm #Bipolar #BPD #ADHD

    I know for some, they say your diagnosis doesn’t define you. But do you spend your whole life trying to find that right diagnosis? I think it definitely helps in terms of finding the right treatment.
    For me it began from my first memories, a child who had a very abusive mother. I had poor concentration, was labeled as being naughty. Then a teenager with harming and eating problems along with alcohol and drug abuse. They made me feel numb. Along came pmdd, then relationship problems, which turned into depression and anxiety. I lost someone close to me by suicide and I attempted too. Then bipolar which never seemed to fit. Along came bpd which sounded right as I had most of the boxes ticked. But I actually think it’s now adhd. It all makes sense. I’ve wasted my life at chasing all of these diagnosis. No medication that I was given has helped. I’ve broken so many relationships and myself.
    Currently no medication or help. I work 50 hours a week, am a single parent. To most I’m great, I’ve learned to wear an amazing mask. I keep super busy to not feel. At night it’s torture with lots of bad addictions which will slowly consume me.
    So do you keep chasing the right diagnosis??

    1 reaction 12 comments
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    The Duality of Bipolar and My Identity

    One thing I remember about my worst depressive episode was the absence of feelings. It was desperation that anything at all would penetrate the dark and bring me to light: that I would again have the ability to feel my grief, to laugh, or even just to cry. Life was a literal abyss of passing time, laying in bed and binging pages on the internet just to distract myself and pass time.

    Social media does a good job capturing a major transition from depression to (hypo)mania. By going back in time, I noticed some features that changed with my episode. I smiled with my teeth and did not feel insecure. I laughed and after so much darkness, I was startled by the sound. I was ambitious in my ideas, excited about where I was going in life.

    This is not to dismiss the way I was spending money or the people I let down. Nor the risk taking or reckless disregard for my health. But this is the nature of things, that these episodes carry consequences as much as blessings.

    What I have been thinking is, who am I amongst all of these things? My switches feel so radical that mixed in with that norm we all have, I have these pressured episodes that pull me in completely opposite directions. Am I confident and ambitious, am I hopeless and insecure? Both of these are inside of me. Is my disorder dictating my self, or am I coming out in my disorder?

    For the longest time, I felt lost in these questions, as if my sense of self disappeared and I didn’t know who I was. Now I know that I am contained in my (hypo)mania, my depression, and the moments in between. My disorder is a fundamental part of my identity, a legitimate force that brings out the best and worst of me. I am my laughter and my emptiness.

    I know that I am not the disorder and the disorder is not me. Really, it is part of the spectrum I exist in and it gives and takes from who I am each time the tide changes. Resistance is the denial of my existence. The answer to my question: I am amongst all of these things, I am in each rise and fall. I was never gone, I just needed to find a way to recognize myself.

    #Bipolar #BipolarDisorder #Identity #Depression #Mania #Hypomania #self

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