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The nights are the worst 09-05-24

By societies standards, I should feel great. I should be grateful than my life was saved. I should be thankful that nurses and doctors put hours and hours of labor into my corpse and I am grateful but I do also feel guilty. I don’t want them to feel like their work was all in vain, but at the same time I struggle but I don’t struggle like people would think that I’d struggle I don’t have issues with money. My wife left me two weeks in the hospital stay so I no longer have relationship issues although it was a toxic relationship and kind of glad I don’t have those issues.

Of course, the loneliness of things sets in. The nights bring memories of things I did in my past that were fun times spent with friends now time spent with my ex-wife where we weren’t fighting and things were good.

My uncle left me his house of which I now live in, which would be a blessing if he hadn’t passed away here if I hadn’t found him in this house if the walls didn’t reek of my uncle. Every night here is torture. Knowing what happened what suffering took place here.

Im in pain, not physically but mentally emotionally I don’t know what to do. I want to run but I don’t know where to? crawl out of my skin.

Ive felt many pains over the last few years, but never the pain of what I feel now, I feel I’m one step closer to going catatonic. Life’s finally broken me, people tell me to get out, where do I go? And no offense I don’t want to be around other people like this.

find a hobby they say, what? At the moment in life I enjoy nothing.

You’re just being difficult they say, you don’t value how lucky you are. No I know how lucky I am however my luck came with a curse. Money can’t cure my heart, money can’t bring me happiness. Money can’t find me companionship or connection that lasts longer than a day.

take a trip, where? I don’t want to leave my house

therapy, I’ve tried several, they don’t tell me anything I haven’t already thought about myself in my mind.

And believe me I feel like I’ve tried all of the above, why I may have had fleeting instances of joy and happiness soon I had to come back to reality.

I’ve tried the medication I take 15 different ones for my heart my physical pains I was left with, my kidneys liver just about everything, I have a partially artificial heart and a machine that keeps my heart beating. I’m covered in scars from the vampire scars on my throat where the ventilator was and the medicine tube was, down ny chest and the xxs on my stomach and back I had lines coming out of for months.

Whats wrong with me? Have I just come to the end of my road?

I apologize for these jumbled thoughts they’re from a mind of a sleep deprived individual who’s barely hanging on by a thread.

im not even sure if im looking for some inspiration that might help or save me as I’m not sure there’s much left to say or do that could help that already hasn’t been said I think I’m just leaving these notes so if by some stroke of magic change happens and everything turns around I can look back and remember where I came from. Or if i simply can’t carry the weight anymore at least I’ll have said something and my friend and family will have closure, they’ll at least know how much i suffered inside and that im free and onto greener pastures.

#Suicide #Depression #self #alone #Pain #Life #Journal #PTSD #Broken #empty

(edited)
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good evening friends, I’m sorry it’s been quiet in here, iv been away on small camping retreat with my son and his partner. #recharge #restore

#MentalHealth #Retreat #self #Nature

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NOTE TO SELF:you are enough! you are worthy! you are loveable! you are kind! you are forgiving! you are amazing! you got this!!!

#Anxiety #Depression #CPTSD #SCZHO #ADHD #Grief #learning #loving #self #coping

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One thing I like to do with my friends, myself and clients is a check in

Take a minute for yourself today! A daily mental health check-in is like hitting pause to understand your emotions. Are you feeling stressed? Anxious? Acknowledging your feelings is the first step to managing them. Self-care isn't selfish, it's essential! For instance when I wake up in the morning and make a list of things that I find challenging or trigger my anxiety and I think for a few minutes about what I can do that’s within my control to help with those things and I help you resilient way to push myself forward in life #mentalhealthawareness #dailycheckin #Selfcare #IfYouFeelHopeless #MentalHealth #ADHD #Addiction #Anxiety #self #Selfharm

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¿ " Why Are There Part's Of Life.. That When Meeting Human's It Get's Tricky " ? #self Awareness #Depression

× " People Will Sometime's Cross A Path... And Then In Trying To Get To Know Them. That Start To Become A Very Bad Influence On You. I Was Slowly Becoming A Drinker Myself. Good Thing Is That My Anger Issue's Were A Huge Warning Sign... And I Wanted To Get Back To The Chick That I Was Before. The Kind One.. Not The Mean Person That I Was Morphing Into. So I Needed To Change It Before Thing's Got Worse. I'm Back To Myself And My Heart Doesn't Feel Heavey And Dark... My Spririt Is Free Again... " × Sincerely, ☆S.K.☆ #Thought 's

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I have not been very successful in doing this. I have always shown others patience and kindness at the expense of my mental health and self-worth. I perceived it as being selfish to put my needs or wants before others #Kindness
#self -care

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I don't know what to do

I have a sister, I know she self-harms, and seem suicidal, she doesn't talk about it and I have no idea how to help her, most her life she's struggled with weight, asthma several other chronic illnesses, and her up bringing wasn't the most healthy one, now I'm really scared for her but I don't what to do, I have been having several ugly(I'm not suicidal) moments myself I'm an emotional wreck , I feel drained and I feel like I have been pouring from an empty cup for so long but I somehow need to gather the strength to be there for my sister but it will probably leave me at a worse state, I haven't had proper sleep in days, when I do manage to sleep, I cry myself to sleep. After all this i need to show up at work,and be there for everyone else.There's really Noone to turn to now, the family dynamics are just too complicated #self harm, #helpless #Depression #suicode

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☆ " Evolve And Be F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S... " ☆ #Poetry #self -Love

° " As The Insane Year Of 2023 Come's To A Close... I Have Learned That Every Human Being Has Personal Issue's That Are Not My Problem... But Then Again Everyone Feel's The Need To Become Very Negative About Everything Nowaday's.. For No Real Reason... I Have Just Learned To Just Walk In My Own Energy... And Also My Self Love Is Still In Progress... After 3 Year's Of Wondering... Why My Marriage Ended.. It Was Because We Weren't Right For One Another All Along.. And Grew Apart... So Yeah I Was Hurt And Angry... Broken Etc... But One Thing Is For Sure That I Learned A Huge Lesson In My Life.. That I Can't Change People They Have To Do It Themselve's... And With My Ex-Husband... Being Diagnosed With BP 1... I Have Come To Study And Learn Alot... I Truly Love Helping Other's In Need... Weather It's With My #Poetry Or At My Job.. It Make's My Heart And Soul Feel Free And Pure... " ° #Poetry #self -Love ☆ S.K. ☆

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