self

I am new here; nearly a week in. Didn’t think I’d be posting so soon but unplanned events happen. The 5+ year on/off relationship I’ve been in ended today. I feel numb right now.

I reached out to him just over a month ago to update him on a few things and seek help on a stressful personal matter. I was only seeking help. 10 minutes in, he brings up “us”. I’ve been stressed, just seeking help…remind him of this.

A few days in, he tells me he wants the relationship. Approached multiple times on subject. Needless to say, the stress continued and some of it got misdirected towards him. Long story short, he got offended and I got defensive.

It escalated so I approached him yesterday with MANY incessant texts telling him how much I wanted this relationship. Upon awaking this morning, I immediately shifted my position and told him in short form that a relationship just isn’t going to work right now. As soon as I sent it, I knew I’d self-sabotaged.

He responded in short form with “Who is this?”. After the third time, he said he was dead; I had killed what he had left to give and he just couldn’t do this anymore and asked me if I really knew who I was.

I cried for hours over the loss of him although I created the situation. I went back through the communication, analyzed, overthought but finally could see what he was explaining. I responded and told him I could understand his position, I could recognize the behavior he called out and told him I loved him.

And now it’s over for good. I just don’t understand me and why I self-sabotage. I am so illogical and seek what’s wrong in relationships rather than recognize what’s right. My over-thinking is constant yet I react to my own thoughts as if they were his. I call myself an empath yet I realize in hindsight that I can say mean things with lacking consideration of others.

All I know is that I don’t want to be this person anymore. And if this is how I see myself then what does this say about me? How do I stop the self-loathing. I can’t blame him for leaving for good.

I’ve lost the love of my life because of my mental illness. I want to be better. I’m desperate for help! I need a mentor…someone who’s been through this and has done the work. I need guidance. Is there anyone out there? If so, please message me. #BPDDiagnosis #BPD #BPD relationships #self -sabotage #Selfblame #self -help #help #Mentor

OK. This is probably weird but I am giving it a try. So say you are going to a place, any place, doesn't matter, and you can't bring people or pets, so you have one item you are allowed to bring with you. What would your special item be? Have some fun with this, I hope! #Friends #Friendship #friendships #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #FamilyAndFriends #New #lonely #alone #NoOneFightsAlone #StrongerTogether #Together #SocialInteraction #social #wellness #EmotionalHealth #Health #relate #Chat #Share #post #safe #SafeSpace #Connections #Positivity #positive #Fun #Mindful #Mindfulness #Kindness #ActsOfKindness #ActOfKindness Self-esteem Self-worth #self -love #Confidence #Life #Lifestyle

☆ " I'am Only Nice To Other's Who Are Kind And Nice Back... I Will Alway's Help Someone In Need.. I Will Alway's Put A Smile On Other People's Face's... To Brighten Thier Day... I Love To Learn About All Mental Health Issue's... That Other People Go Through.. And Make It My Mission To Understand And Learn More.. To Help Them Become Better Reflection's Of Themselve's.. I Have Alway's.. Had This Need To Just Help Other People.. It All Started When I Found My Father Half Way On The Floor.. He Was At Time Dying From Cancer... I Put Him Back Into Bed.. At The Age Of 6 Year's Old... But Sometime's I'm Weary Of People Alway's Trying To Take Advantage Of Me.. I'm Not Nieve Maybe When I Was Alot Younger... Now I Just Don't Trust Anyone Anymore Especially Men... I Will Alway's Be On Guard With My Emotion's And Feeling's... I May Take Time To Be Fully Open With People... It's Definitely Harder To Keep All Of My Mental And Physical Health In Line... People Alway's Assume That I'm Just A Mean Grumpy B****.... All The Time.. That's Just Not True.. I Live With Chronic Pain..Memory Loss.. Hearing Loss And More.. But I Put On A Happy Face To Really Hide My Pain.. Nothing More... All That I Really Wish And Ask Is To Be Understanding..Kind..Patient"☆ Sincerely, " Your Mighty Viking Princess " ☆ SKADI ☆ #Poetry #self -Image

Hi , I’m 18, I would like to make new friends, I feel very insecure with my body image lately, i need your help , thank you for your understanding 🌺

#Dissociation #Amnesia #Abuse #neglect
#self harm#alters #insiders #littles
#Therapy #Healing

I have a question. What do you do with your thoughts and feelings of self hatred? Besides medication I mean. How do you get past them? I need to know because I feel like I’m killing my self from the inside out. Physically and mentally I’m suffering.
Thanks for any comments.
#questions
#mental Health
#self Hatred

What do you do to distract your mind that is plagued by incessant thoughts of food? How do you resolve weight gain without losing your mind waiting for pounds to fall off healthfully?Thinking a dip in my apartments pool seems like it be helpful but I'm so self conscience of my weight and it builds on the baseline depression Ialtewdy have. It's the primary focus...any tips on how to not compare my body to others or old pics of myself? How do I work at boosting my self confidence?#eatingdisordernos #self esteem

It's around 3am and my mind is taking me on that journey again. #Selfblame #self -hatred It's replaying my past and showing again all the times I have wronged my friends, coworkers, colleagues and family. My mind is doing a really good job of making me feel like I am a horrible person, like I am dog poop stuck to your shoes. My mind is correct. I did the things I now regret doing. In most cases, I didn't do these things out of malace or was aware I was doing them at all. I did them because I am greedy, selfish, angry, impatient arrogant and ignorant. All traits and things I got or learned from my parents.

Even though I am now aware that I have acted like that in the past and have promised myself not to continue these traits, I find I am unable to stop. I have had decades of counseling and therapy designed to change or remove those traits, they are still there as strong as ever and not going anywhere. I try to mask or hide them. In doing so, I usually end up just staying away from people. At home, I stay in my room and keep to myself. I try to keep to myself in public and just ignore others, even when they are being nice and polite. I think because of that people think I am creepy and I can see why. My self-esteem is so low I don't even want to engage people, so people get the wrong impression of me.

I am no saint but I am also no devil. But, I have behaved poorly to others and that is what my mind is showing me this morning. It's trying to convince me that this is who I am and this is all that I will be. And, it is making a good case for it. I try to fight it but the evidence is pretty strong. I don't like myself. Many of you will say that I can change. I have spent decades trying to change with very minimal change. Now I am sad and more depressed. Hopefully now that I have vented, I can get some sleep. Thanks for letting me vent. Good night.
#Depression #Anxiety

I actually put in 2 weeks notice and the 18th was supposed to be my last day. I was training my replacement and the company asked if I could stay a few more days to maximize training. Since I haven't found a new job yet I agreed. Well the guy I was training decided it wasn't for him so I was stuck finishing the last 3 days without training anyone.

The reason I decided to leave was because I work on commission and the work slowed down to a crawl and became uneconomical to continue. I was being compensated for training my replacement but when they bailed I went back to regular commission. I didn't even bother to go in today, my last day, because I would make like $6 after expenses. I made a total of $40 for Monday and Tuesday combined. I can't live on that. In the past, I would make between $45-90 a day. Not bad for 2.5-4 hours work. I was working this part-time job plus 2 side hustles to make ends meet. I had to stop both side hustles because they also became uneconomical to continue.

I have difficulty working full-time jobs because I have chronic fatigue. I also have a hard time staying focused and remembering tasks. I constantly write things down to remember them but if I get distracted I have a hard time reorienting myself. It's maddening! I start to get angry and frustrated. I feel useless and incompetent. It drives my depression and anxiety into overdrive. Now, I need to go back to working a full-time job again to make ends meet. I don't know if I can perform a full-time schedule again but I am going to try. The reason I did the part-time job and side hustles we're because I could set my own hours. If I needed a break or a day off I took one and was able to make ends meet. I have about 1 month of expenses saved up. As long as it doesn't take me long to find another job, I should be ok. There are a lot of jobs out there but what ones will my chronic fatigue, anxiety and depression let me do?

#Depression #Anxiety #Fear #self Doubt