Functional Neurological Disorder/Conversion Disorder

[Listening to the song on repeat, as depression makes me feel disgusted with myself… The picture is from a recent walk. I really liked the contrast…]

I wish, I could leave it all behind me
Go to my own world where no one can find me
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape

I wish, I could take parts of my past
Hold on to the good and throw the rest in the trash
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape

Have you ever been so broke, or frozen, it's so cold
Emotions are so blown, hoping you won't go
Back to that war zone, the place that you don't know
It's hard to go the right way when you're on the wrong road

Feel like you're so low, you're 'bout to explode
And you'd do anything to get back what you let go
Stuck in upset mode, 'cause you can't seem to figure this out
Living without a reason to live, thinking about
What you should have done, things that you could have changed
And maybe if you had then things wouldn't be this way
And you wouldn't feel this pain, but that's too easy now isn't it
Wishing that you could go back and things would be different

Got a time machine up in your mind
Wishing you could push a button and your life would unwind
But that's not how it happens, you can hope and imagine
Instead of looking forwards, lot of us looking backwards

I wish, I could leave it all behind me
Go to my own world where no one can find me
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape
I wish, I could take parts of my past
Hold on to the good and throw the rest in the trash
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape

Have you ever been so lost, you feel like your hope's gone
And know you need to let go of some things but you hold on
Hoping and wishing that some things would be different
So you scream in your room, it feels like nobody's listening

You're mad so you scream louder, things that you're not proud of
Wishing you knew a way to escape but you don't know how the
Heck are you supposed to cope with something you can't let go
You get emotional, wonder if you'll ever know
Came to get lost in it, wishing back lost minutes
Your anger's involved in it, so you get engulfed in this
Pain that you come to hate, wishing you could escape
But you don't know where to run, it's written all on your face

Look at me losing control, I just don't know where to go
I'm getting lost in the mo-ment, look at me woah (yeah)
I think it's time for me to escape
Time to relate, follow me as I put this pen to this page

I wish, I could leave it all behind me
Go to my own world where no one can find me
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape
I wish, I could take parts of my past
Hold on to the good and throw the rest in the trash
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape

I'm so sick of feeling
Like I don't have a clue what I'm doing
Like I don't have a clue what I'm doing
Yeah

And I'm so sick of feeling
Like I don't have a clue where I'm going
Like I don't have a clue where I'm going
Yeah

See all of us need a place, where we can go escape
Get away from the pain, be ourselves and just run away
But where are we running to? This lane we've been running through
Starting to get harder and it's starting to bother you
Some of us get depressed, some of us go to music
Some of us get stressed, others just push through it
So I'm gonna push through this, now and get lost in this
Escape and get lost in it, get ready we've all said it

I wish, that I could leave it all behind me
Go to my own world where no one can find me
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape

And I wish, that I could take parts of my past
Hold on to the good and throw the rest in the trash
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #FND #SocialAnxiety

[Listening to the song on repeat, as depression makes me feel disgusted with myself… The picture is from a recent walk. I really liked the contrast…]

I wish, I could leave it all behind me
Go to my own world where no one can find me
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape

I wish, I could take parts of my past
Hold on to the good and throw the rest in the trash
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape

Have you ever been so broke, or frozen, it's so cold
Emotions are so blown, hoping you won't go
Back to that war zone, the place that you don't know
It's hard to go the right way when you're on the wrong road

Feel like you're so low, you're 'bout to explode
And you'd do anything to get back what you let go
Stuck in upset mode, 'cause you can't seem to figure this out
Living without a reason to live, thinking about
What you should have done, things that you could have changed
And maybe if you had then things wouldn't be this way
And you wouldn't feel this pain, but that's too easy now isn't it
Wishing that you could go back and things would be different

Got a time machine up in your mind
Wishing you could push a button and your life would unwind
But that's not how it happens, you can hope and imagine
Instead of looking forwards, lot of us looking backwards

I wish, I could leave it all behind me
Go to my own world where no one can find me
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape
I wish, I could take parts of my past
Hold on to the good and throw the rest in the trash
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape

Have you ever been so lost, you feel like your hope's gone
And know you need to let go of some things but you hold on
Hoping and wishing that some things would be different
So you scream in your room, it feels like nobody's listening

You're mad so you scream louder, things that you're not proud of
Wishing you knew a way to escape but you don't know how the
Heck are you supposed to cope with something you can't let go
You get emotional, wonder if you'll ever know
Came to get lost in it, wishing back lost minutes
Your anger's involved in it, so you get engulfed in this
Pain that you come to hate, wishing you could escape
But you don't know where to run, it's written all on your face

Look at me losing control, I just don't know where to go
I'm getting lost in the mo-ment, look at me woah (yeah)
I think it's time for me to escape
Time to relate, follow me as I put this pen to this page

I wish, I could leave it all behind me
Go to my own world where no one can find me
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape
I wish, I could take parts of my past
Hold on to the good and throw the rest in the trash
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape

I'm so sick of feeling
Like I don't have a clue what I'm doing
Like I don't have a clue what I'm doing
Yeah

And I'm so sick of feeling
Like I don't have a clue where I'm going
Like I don't have a clue where I'm going
Yeah

See all of us need a place, where we can go escape
Get away from the pain, be ourselves and just run away
But where are we running to? This lane we've been running through
Starting to get harder and it's starting to bother you
Some of us get depressed, some of us go to music
Some of us get stressed, others just push through it
So I'm gonna push through this, now and get lost in this
Escape and get lost in it, get ready we've all said it

I wish, that I could leave it all behind me
Go to my own world where no one can find me
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape

And I wish, that I could take parts of my past
Hold on to the good and throw the rest in the trash
I guess it's just the way I escape, yeah
I guess it's just the way I escape

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #FND #SocialAnxiety

Meet Brian.

He’s the oppossum that personifies my FND (Functional Neurological Disorder).
He‘s the reason I freeze when I feel threatened.
He only wants to help us survive.
But he doesn’t realise, that he isn’t threatened by a wild fox but only my thoughts…
He can’t control it. It’s a reflex called tonic Immobility (in opossums), for humans it’s the evolutionary freeze response.
He’s not faking it or ”playing dead“.
When he’s frozen, his ability to feel pain is reduced, he’s stiff and completly paralyzed.
(Exactly what happens to me.)
But it’s only temporary, movement always comes back.
The freezing just lasts a few minutes, sometimes hours.

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Catatonia #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders #FND #CPTSD

Meet Brian.

He’s the oppossum that personifies my FND (Functional Neurological Disorder).
He‘s the reason I freeze when I feel threatened.
He only wants to help us survive.
But he doesn’t realise, that he isn’t threatened by a wild fox but only my thoughts…
He can’t control it. It’s a reflex called tonic Immobility (in opossums), for humans it’s the evolutionary freeze response.
He’s not faking it or ”playing dead“.
When he’s frozen, his ability to feel pain is reduced, he’s stiff and completly paralyzed.
(Exactly what happens to me.)
But it’s only temporary, movement always comes back.
The freezing just lasts a few minutes, sometimes hours.

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Catatonia #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders #FND #CPTSD

Today was strange.
I was dissociating for 4 hours straights and am still a little foggy.
I was frozen and fell asleep for two hours (with waking again while being frozen).
Then I was frozen in episodes that started and ended while derealising and depersonalising.
It was really strange.
My legs were frozen in the same position for over an hour.
In the end I asked for help from my mom who helped me get up and move again.
By the time I was crying as I couldn’t move on my own or speak to explain myself.
She helped me move up and
Over time movement and feeling came again

Now I am just exhausted.

This time it was triggered by an fried of mine who stayed over and the fear of the clinic.

I realised now that the clinic itself is specialised in my condition called Functional Neurological Disorder (Or older name Conversion Disorder).

That is such a win. Still I’m nervous about all the people and so on.
Hope it will all work out.

Also here’s an website for anyone who‘s interested in the condition.

neurosymptoms.org/en

[Picture by Kinga Howard, Unsplash]

#MentalHealth #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders #Catatonia #Depression #CPTSD

I restarted grad school for the nth time! I put support in place with my Fibro, FND, anxiety and depression etc. But my body and mind are still going ape sh#% 🙄

It's like my body is settling...Very, very slowly, but my course is sooo fast paced that you need to be on it from the jump.

I just don't know what to do anymore 😞 I actually am enjoying what I'm learning this time, but don't have the energy or decent enough health to manage studying it effectively.

We're only in week 2/3 and I am sooo behind, have only attended ONE class and we have mocks in a couple of weeks 🫠

I just feel like a failure. Like I'm letting down everyone supporting me, while also letting life pass me by.

#Fibromyalgia #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder #MentalHealth #Insomnia #Anxiety #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #ChronicFatigue #ChronicIllness #BackPain #DepressiveDisorders #ChronicPain #Psoriasis