Join the Conversation on
32 people
0 stories
2 posts
  • Explore Our Newsletters
  • What's New in

    Trying to Understand

    Just getting my thoughts down. I ended up writing this in third party as an observer. This could possibly be triggering or distressing. Please exercise discretion when reading and seek support if needed

    #Depression #Grief #Dissociating #ChildLoss #LosingAChild #learningtocope #bloggerthoughts #copingwithadeath #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ComplicatedGrief #grievingmother #griefandguilt #Anxiety #MomGuilt


    She grabs a pillow and hugs it. Holding it as if it were a baby. Holding and wishing it was her child. She curls herself around the pillow holding it tighter, tears now flowing freely down her face... Soon Her cries can be heard from outside. Her cries of anguish, despair, raw pain; her cries are a plea to have mercy and stop the pain. She places a hand over her heart and cries louder. Her heart is broken. The cires of a mother who has lost her whole world, is the most haunting sound.

    She continues to cry, her throat raw from the cries, her eyes red and swollen. She lays there still holding the pillow. Wishing she could have her child in her arms. She continues to cry for hours but, eventually she falls asleep. Even as she sleeps tears flow from her eyes...

    It's night everything has quiet down, she lays down hoping to get some rest. As she lays down her eyes tired from the crying earlier in the day. She is emotionally exhausted. Her mind though doesn't allow her to rest. Her mind runs through all her memories with her son. Her mind gives her doubt and guilt. Maybe she hadn't done enough, maybe she should have been more vigilant, maybe it was something she did, what a terrible mom she must have been. Her mind won't stop, she just wanted some rest. Now she tosses and turns trying to drown out the thoughts. She covers her ears, as to stop the "voices" tell her she wasn't good enough, telling her it's her fault, she was a terrible mother.

    The guilt is eating at her day and night. She is exhausted, she doesn't know how much longer she can keep going...

    1 comment

    #copingwithadeath #ServiceDog #iamnotfine

    My PTSD service dog died this weekend. I am SO not ok even though I’ve had to say “I’m fine” over and over again. We had out of town company, family over, and two days of working on my boyfriend’s truck.
    I’ve an appointment with my shrink tomorrow, get #botox for the #Migraines on Thursday and then go directly to the breast surgeon to schedule lumpectomies for cysts in my right breast. Come Monday I have #sinussurgery .
    I’m tired. Spent. Wasted.
    What do y’all recommend?