high-functioning alcoholic

I want to drink so bad today. I keep leaving the house with no destination. Just wasting gas. I went to the mall just to park and leave. All while hungry but didn’t have the drive to eat. I went home and noticed every liquor store. I didn’t stop. I just drove home. I left again but this time I googled how long it would take alcohol to not be detected. 80hrs! Is it worth my sobriety? No, but hey I won’t be tested till Monday. So I was convinced to get something small to drink. I suddenly got a headache and I knew it was from not eating today. So I stopped for food and ate on the drive to the liquor store. I passed 2 but decided to just go in there house again. Now I’m here and my stomach is full. My headache is gone but I still have the craving. I’m going to fight the urge by not fighting and just going to sleep. #Addiction #Sobriety #HighfunctioningAlcoholic #Stress

I need some help. I’ll give some background on this first, so my mum has been heavily drinking for as long as I can remember and before that, I have the odd memory of her smoking, and have been told she was also a heavy smoker until she gave up. Over the last 4/5 years, however, the amount she was drinking has increased and now she’s drinking at least 3 litres of spirits per week and more that we don’t know about because she’s hiding it. When she drinks, she get very mean towards me. She’s never physically hurt me, but the things she says really hurt me sometimes and I blame myself for her drinking because what she says, makes me believe I am. What else would be the reason she’s drinking so much?! A couple of years ago, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and because of my age at the time, they could only give me therapy which ended a couple of months later. After a LOT of talking with different people, we realised that her drinking was having a really negative impact on my mental health, to the point where I didn’t want to be here anymore, I just wanted to disappear, I was self-harming pretty much everyday. But when we told her how I felt, she blamed me for it and said it was my fault that it was happening in the first place.

Anyway, that was a few years ago, and I’ve gone a few years without talking to anybody about it. The people I used to talk to aren’t around anymore or they just simply don’t care (they told me, I’m not just thinking it) so without explaining everything to someone again, I’ve had nobody to talk to for a long time. It’s all been building up inside of me, and it got to the point yesterday where it was just all getting to me and I nearly cried at work. Luckily, my manager was INCREDIBLE with it all. Instead of telling me to just get on with my job, she asked me if I needed to go home, asked if I wanted to talk about it and said she was there to talk if I needed to. We then went up to her office and just chatted about it and she was sooo lovely about all of it. She even gave me a hug at the end of the chat before we went back through and it felt good to just get things off my chest.

However, I can’t rely on her. I know she would be there for me if I did need her but she’s got enough going on with her life, she doesn’t need my drama adding to it. But I don’t know where else to go, or turn to. None of my close friends know about it and I like them not knowing. I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions (if anyone’s read this far ahah) of what I could do? I’ve tried talking to her, her brothers talked to her, my dads talked to her, but until she realises that it’s a problem, or until she stops denying the fact it’s a problem, nobody can do anything to help her. Thank you for sticking around until the end if anyone has hahah xoxo