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Unload mental illnesses 24/07/2020
I am struggling with many aspects of my life at the minute. Yesterday was one year since my friend killed herself, i feel emotionally numb about it. I also had an ENT drs appt. i was convinced i had cancer in my throat, they said there is nothing sinister. I am really annoyed, i had it my head that if i had cancer i could die and it wouldn’t be my fault and nobody else would think it was their fault - just one of those things nobody can control. It gave me relief to think that something was going to kill me, i don’t have that now. I can only imagine how incredibly selfish and horrible that makes me sound and I have lost close people to cancer and that is one of the reasons i feel i deserve it. My #SuicidalThoughts are bad and i have been mainly passively suicidal for coming on five years. My parents are arguing a lot at the minute. I wake up and it is the first thing i hear, and then again multiple times throughout the day. That is just another thing added to the pile. I am in #emdr which is just starting back up via video call which is difficult and the weeks are going down and i am stressed because i can’t process anything!!! I am just so numb to everything that has happened. I am #Asexuality and sex-repulsed (like i am petrified of anything like that or even romantic). I just feel like a broken person, not functioning properly. Everybody has this thing that i don’t and don’t understand either. What is wrong with me?!?! I don’t see how i am ever going to be able to move out or be independent in any way with any part of my life. I am a hoarder, nobody understands me. It makes me feel so lonely all of the time. I have really severe distress with moving things let alone getting rid of stuff, i just can’t deal with it. It is really problematic at the moment with my mum at home the whole time. My psychiatrist thinks I have #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder I have just started my third antidepressant of the year so far... not got a lot of hope as no drugs have helped in the slightest over the past four years. Why does everybody hate me?!?! I am a burden and a waste of space. I am never going to be able to do anything with my life. This is my reality stuck against all the guilt of bad things for other people if i killed myself; rock and a hard place. Sorry, i just needed to unload. #Anxiety #Depression #PTSD #PersonalityDisorders #Hoarders #MentalHealth #Mentalillnessfeelslike #Stress #SuicidalThoughts
