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Husband's Rx Stash (addic/hoarder)

He's been hoarding/abusing Rx's for years. I've found Rx's everywhere. Going to get rid of them. It's a major trigger for me.

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It's 3pm and she's been fucking around for 5 hours

She's organizing her hoarding into little boxes. She's hardly talking to me. I don't know how to motivate her. She is still mad at me for calling her a hoarder. I am not going to apologize for telling her the truth.

I ate lunch and I took a nap and I feel awful. My tummy really hurts. I'm so stressed out. But if I leave she'll just stop trying. But what she's doing now isn't productive.

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Are you a Winter or a Summer person?

Winter people are late risers. They are buried in their beds as one day they will be buried in their coffins. Teenagers too are late risers, their roots buried in the ground as they seek the transformative to spring into life with a new, changed, adult body - flowering into their summer self after a winter of discontent.

Winter people are the old, dying plants of yesteryear as children are Spring, leaping into simple, joyful action rather than crushed by the complexity of age. They change like tadpoles or butterflies but not so drastically in form. Like in the film An American Werewolf in London, their bodies are wrenched and stretched into new shapes as their internal chemistry and physique alter and their roles in life swap from the cared for to the caring, children to adults.

The old are like zombies in worn out bodies - slow, forgetful, smelly and falling to bits. They say the old are wise because they have survived the impetuosity of youth but this might be down to good luck as opposed to the bad luck of poor choices.

Winter is like an air raid that leads us to shelter from the savagery of bad weather; the icy tongues that whip us with cold winds or grips us with frosty fingers, slowing our tread with slippery ice and deep snow. Winter is a time for hoarding and sheltering as summer is when we come out of hiding and share what we have. This is analogous to any misfortune or luck in our personal life or the world's (natural or man made disasters).

This is a time of abandonment and neglect, where we retreat into ourselves in a state of hibernation, when everything slows down to a halt or carrying out the least possible activities, in order to stay alive. It leads to avoidance of action or alternatively rushing things to get them over as quickly as possible. Our senses dull and our attention turns inwards in silent rumination as life lays buried and hidden, in a stilled world, prodded back into action by necessity alone.

Come Spring and like bulbs we burst through the crust of hardship and into the light of a new day, a new hope as every year, clearing away the damage of the past. Sight, sound, smell, taste and touch resurface too as life extroverts our attention once more, in response to the warmth of the giving sun and the lengthening daylight, which like a searchlight delineates all hidden in the dark of winter’s night and inhospitability..

Winter is a time for reflection (looking back on the past) as summer is a time to get moving again (music and (e)motion). Winter people skulk in their memories of yesterday and it's bitter failures. Summer people are only interested in future hopes , future dreams not past despair. They pursue new possibilities because they have a healthy optimism. They don't cling on to a certain past in fear of losing it but risk each day, in the chance of a better but uncertain tomorrow. They have burnt their boats behind them, instead of clinging on to the floating debris of what was, in the hope it will save them. Winter’s seeds, the concentrated self, gives way to the flowering self that disperses all it is and has, in generous release.

They won't retreat into ivory towers or hide in castle dungeons, afraid of the changing world around them, holding onto memories of past glories. Instead they are willing to leave behind the relics of the bygone era, throwing off the armour of protection and advancing into the unknown future, naked and afraid but having the courage to trust in a new tomorrow and their imagination that will build it.

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Middle-Grade Books Featuring Protagonists with Mental Health Struggles

Mental health is a difficult topic even for adults, so it can be hard to explain to middle-age kids. However, there are a few middle-grade books that have very relatable protagonists who struggle with mental health:

1.”Better With Butter” by Victoria Piontek
A girl with anxiety disorder finds an unlikely friend—and emotional support animal —in the form of an adorable fainting goat. Twelve-year-old Marvel is afraid of absolutely everything—amusement park rides, food poisoning, earthquakes, and that big island of plastic floating through the ocean. She also obsesses about smaller worries like making friends, getting called on by the teacher, and walking home alone. Her parents and the school therapist call her worries an anxiety disorder, but Marvel calls them armor. If something can happen, it will. She needs to be prepared. But when Marvel stumbles on a group of older kids teasing a baby goat that has mysteriously shown up on the soccer field, she momentarily forgets to be afraid and rescues the frightened animal. Only Butter isn't any old goat. She's a fainting goat. When Butter feels panic, she freezes up and falls over. Marvel knows exactly how Butter feels and precisely what Butter needs—her. Soon, Butter and Marvel are going everywhere together, and Butter thrives under Marvel's support. Butter also helps Marvel. Everything is easier for her with Butter by her side. But just when Marvel starts to imagine a life in which she can manage her anxiety, instead of letting it control her, Butter's owner shows up to claim her. Will Marvel find a way to keep her friend? Or will she revert back to the anxious, lonely person she used to be?

2.”Kissing Doorknobs” by Terry Spencer Hesser
During her preschool years, Tara Sullivan lived in terror that something bad would happen to her mother while they were apart. In grade school, she panicked during the practice fire drills. Then, at the age of 11, it happened. Tara heard the phrase that changed her: “Step on a crack, break your mother's back.” Before Tara knew it, she was counting every crack in the sidewalk. Over time, Tara's "quirks" grew and arranging her meals on plates, nonstop prayer rituals, until she developed a new ritual wherin she kissed her fingers and touched doorknobs....

3. “OCDaniel” by Wesley King
Daniel is the back-up punter for the Erie Hills Elephants. Which really means he’s the water boy. He spends football practice perfectly arranging water cups—and hoping no one notices. Actually, he spends most of his time hoping no one notices his strange habits—he calls them Zaps: avoiding writing the number four, for example, or flipping a light switch on and off dozens of times over. He hopes no one notices that he’s crazy, especially his best friend Max, and Raya, the prettiest girl in school. His life gets weirder when another girl at school, who is unkindly nicknamed Psycho Sara, notices him for the first time. She doesn’t just notice him: she seems to peer through him. Then Daniel gets a note: “I need your help,” it says, signed, Fellow Star Child—whatever that means. And suddenly Daniel, a total no one at school, is swept up in a mystery that might change everything for him. With great voice and grand adventure, this book is about feeling different and finding those who understand.

4. “The Miscalculations of Lightning Girl” by Stacey McAnulty
Lucy Callahan was struck by lightning. She doesn't remember it, but it changed her life forever. The zap gave her genius-level math skills, and ever since, Lucy has been homeschooled. Now, at 12 years old, she's technically ready for college. She just has to pass 1 more test—middle school! Lucy’s grandma insists: Go to middle school for 1 year. Make 1 friend. Join 1 activity. And read 1 book (that's not a math textbook!). Lucy's not sure what a girl who does calculus homework for fun can possibly learn in 7th grade. She has everything she needs at home, where nobody can make fun of her rigid routines or her superpowered brain. The equation of Lucy's life has already been solved. Unless there's been a miscalculation?

5. “Counting By 7s” by Holly Goldberg Sloan
Willow Chance is a twelve-year-old genius, obsessed with nature and diagnosing medical conditions, who finds it comforting to count by 7s. It has never been easy for her to connect with anyone other than her adoptive parents, but that hasn’t kept her from leading a quietly happy life...until now. Suddenly Willow’s world is tragically changed when her parents both die in a car crash, leaving her alone in a baffling world. The triumph of this book is that it is not a tragedy. This extraordinarily odd, but extraordinarily endearing, girl manages to push through her grief.

6. “Finding Perfect” by Elly Swartz
To Molly Nathans, perfect is:
• The number four
• The tip of a newly sharpened number two pencil
• A crisp, white pad of paper
• Her neatly aligned glass animal figurines
What’s not perfect is Molly’s mother leaving the family to take a faraway job with the promise to return in one year. Molly knows that promises are often broken, so she hatches a plan to bring her mother home: Win the Lakeville Middle School Slam Poetry Contest. The winner is honored at a fancy banquet with table cloths. Molly’s sure her mother would never miss that. Right…? But as time goes on, writing and reciting slam poetry become harder. Actually, everything becomes harder as new habits appear, and counting, cleaning, and organizing are not enough to keep Molly’s world from spinning out of control.

7. “Give And Take” by Elly Swartz
Twelve-year-old Maggie knows her new baby sister who smells like powder isn’t her sister for keeps. Izzie is a foster baby awaiting adoption. So in a day or a week, she’ll go to her forever family and all that sweetness will be gone. Except for those things Maggie’s secretly saving in the cardboard boxes in her closet and under her bed. Baby socks, binkies, and a button from Bud the Bear. Rocks, sticks, and candy wrappers. Maggie holds on tight. To her things. Her pet turtle. Her memories of Nana. And her friends. But when Maggie has to say goodbye to Izzie, and her friend gets bumped from their all-girl trapshooting squad to make room for a boy, Maggie’s hoarding grows far beyond her control and she needs to find the courage to let go.

📚 Happy reading! ❤️‍🩹

#themightyreaders #MentalHealth #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #HoardingDisorder

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December - One Hell of A Month

#Autism #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth

This December and the last couple of months have been a soul sucking hell of a month for me.

In October, I was in a job interview for a library role that I wanted to have since I started work. I did not get the job. The person who got it is now getting their Library Science Masters Degree while I had mine for almost ten years now. They told me that I did not get the job because I have such a tender heart and I would not be able to handle really difficult patrons (it is amazing how many homeless people and drug addicts come into the library.)

Then Christmas comes around and I have felt like my routine is out of whack and the seasonal depression is getting to me. A couple of years ago my grandmother who I was really close to died in December so I have been upset about that. Also, as it gets dark early now it has not helped at all.

I am going to be moving back in with my parents, but it is a slow move since my Mom has been hoarding stuff in my old room since I left for college. She grew up in poverty so it is hard for her to get rid of things.

Also, (as I have mentioned in my previous posts) I do not have many friends or even close friends. The ones in high school who talk to me want to know about my parents since they were teachers in the school I went to and never ask anything about me. The town is also an ultra conservative Christian based who do not like outsiders. My family moved there in the 1950s and they are still treated like outsiders. Especially with me since I went to a different school system in a town thirty minutes away. I do not have the money to move out since I have a part time job as a library assistant.

I feel alone, depressed, confused, and fed up. I wish there was a good solution that would solve all this.

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To fit, to shrink, to fold, to blossom

There is at least a 100 pound difference between my weight today and the weight I used to be. But the biggest difference is my level of satisfaction in my life, my acceptance of myself, and my ability to feel and find joy.
I think back to all the times I bribed myself with dresses that were too small, that if I could lose weight I'd fit into them and feel happy.
Maybe it worked, making myself feel awful, and starving myself just to fit into a dress that was a size I thought meant acceptance and beauty and happiness. But it was unsustainable. And it would never actually bring me those things I'd hoped for.
I feel way more beautiful, accepted, and happy now at this weight than I could have ever imagined when I was thin. I'm okay with my body for probably the first time in adulthood.
I thought I felt it even then, a sense of happiness, when I reached my goals to be thinner, when I fit into all those dresses, when I kept getting smaller. I thought that was self acceptance.
But the joy of getting there never stuck and I just wanted more. My body dysmorphia was so intense. I just kept believing I was so much heavier than I was, and hating myself for that and wanting to shrink.
It was such a conditional love I gave to myself, if you could even call it love at all. I punished myself for being me, and rewarded myself for being who I thought I needed to be in order to fit. I never would have dreamed that I could feel so comfortable in my body, but particularly at the weight I am now.
I have learned to accept myself and care about more important things in my life.
An eating disorder is about control and coping, but it's also about how you look and your fear of stepping out of that approved version of yourself into something unknown.
I'm so proud of myself for getting rid of all those clothes I was hoarding thinking one day I will fit into them again. Clothes that to fit into again I would have to be unhealthy. Clothes that I was associating with this version of myself I knew I could never be again but longed for because I felt inadequate compared to her.
#eatingdisorder #bulimianervosa #bodydysmorphia #eatingdisorders #mentalhealth #eatingdisorderrecovery #anxiety #bodydysmorphicdisorder


Lonely won’t leave me alone

I’ve lived alone for 26 years, married twice and caught my second husband in an affair. I don’t choose men well, so I’ve chosen to not enter another relationship. Of course, there’s a long story behind this decision. I’ve been fine being alone, until recently a trigger allowed loneliness to enter my psyche. I go to work, I take care of my cats, take care of my house etc. I go to a bar after work, I’m lonely. I go home after work, I’m lonely. Tears come to my eyes at the drop of a hat, I find myself more and more seeking comfort in alcohol. I’m not an alcoholic, but I seek its comfort in my loneliness, in the ritual of mixing a drink, releasing stress in my first sip, and finally finding peace in sleep. Everyday the cycle repeats itself.
I long to have someone in my life who I can care about, but the thought of letting another person in is terrifying.
I went through several years of hoarding cats, at one point I had 22 cats, but I cared for all of them, provided veterinary care when needed, kept them safe and loved them. Through sheer will power, I have 5 cats now. Three are from my original hoard, and are in their late teens, two are less than 18 months old. At work today a client brought in a litter of 5 absolutely amazing calico kittens, she said she was looking for homes for them. I want so badly to, not just one, I WANT them all. At least they’ll keep me busy enough to push the loneliness away, even if only for a little while.


Ten Signs Your Parent Has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD)

When we think of the word parent, more specifically mothers, what image do you conjure up?

I envision someone who is unconditionally supportive, warm, compassionate, understanding, nurtering, curious, gives a lot of praise, is fun. empathetic, open to new ideas, flexible, have good boundaries, and values their children for who they are and not specifically for what they do. They value their chidlren’s authenticiy and personality.

mothers with OCPD are: detached, cold, rigid, strict, dismissive, abrasive, hard, critical, judgemental, find it hard ot have fun. have little to no empathy, give little praise, and are controlling/domineering. They see the child to be valued only on how successful they are or how much they achieve. The child is a carbon copy, .the next gen of whoever their parents are. Autonomy and independence of the self or self expression is frowned upon.

So often these childre think they’re not good enough and aren’t valued for who they are. The children of said parents often feel like a burden on their parents. They are often subtly told as chidlren, to shut up and go play in the corner, or to go away because ‘mommy’s busy’.

These adult children are then compelled to subconsciously prove theselves in life: i pursuing top level positions in careers ie. CEO, becoming famous in some way and becoming high earners. *Often at the cost to health, relationships, mental welll being, and over-all life satisfaction

The cause of OCPD is a mix of gentics and traumatic environments that the person with OCPD grew up in.

Children who have OCPD parents can relate to these ten things

1. dinner table talk is all about work, work work. How much work they have t odo. What work plans they have. What their coworkers are doing at work. How said coworkers aren’t pulling their weight. Politics, the weather, the eocnomy, technology, and other big mind topics are good and fine too.

But Art? celebrities? pop culture? fashion? creatiivty/imagination? Humanitarian efforts/ eco-consious ideas? that’s so boring.

2. Vacation is like the above. Work may be brought on vacation. Work related stuff like workshops or conferecnes may be part of the vacation journey itsefl. Work mau be the pinnacle of car ride conversaitons. The worries aren’t about flat tires or the price of gas so much as the back to work stress. They worry how much work they’re missing out on, isntead of focussing on enjoying themselves and the people. they’re with.

3.. Rigid ways of doing tasks (things have to be done with certain steps, things have to be folded a certain way, etc). The end goal of just cleaning up or putting things away is lost in the process. They do not like to delegate tasks to others, because they want it done the way they do it. Often they over burden theselves by doing this!

4. hoarding stuff/stocking up on stuff like it’s the year 2000 and everyone thinks everything’s going to shut down completely.

But nothing did and now they have all this stuff and spent all that hard earned money on stuff that will be kept in storage or thrown out…

5.They ‘love’ working

6. Cheap presents for brithday/Christmas. If you want an expensive item, they’ll get you something cheaper. or something you didn’t want If you’re a little older and want a gift card to a store you freqeunt, they’ll give you cash. It’s never what you exactly want, it’s always what they are willing to give.

7. Money is treated like a sacrilige. There’s hardly any quality indulgence. Goods and services are bought for the cheapest price possible. Often

8. Resting or taking time for self care is seen as being ‘lazy’ or ‘unproductive’. People with OCPD view others who don’t do as mcuh as they do in this way.

9. They’re always stressed/anxious because they’re doing so much at once. Children feel like they’re walking on eggshells around these parents. They re waiitng for the other shoe to drop. ‘Just one more thing I have to do!’ is often the motto for these parents. Often these chidlren grow up to have chornic illnesses because their nervous systems are on high alert, jsut waiting or the boiler to break or the car to break down and mom and dad to over react/rage.

10. They’re always unsatfied with the status qou. You have to go higher, aim bigger, do more. There’s no room to be ‘average’. Perfectionism sets in and these adult children are trained to never be satsified with their life. They go to extremes, often times resulting in burn out or chronic illnesses.