imissmydad

To You, Dad;

We’ve never really had a relationship, although I always dreamed of having that fairytale father-daughter relationship with you; it has become crystal clear to me that it will just never work. Unfortunately, you are the “revolving door” type of Dad, coming and going as you please, and I have had enough. Ever since I can remember I have spent countless hours crying over you while being comforted by my angel of a Mother, I have wasted my time and energy on you when you didn’t deserve it; but I refuse to be hurt anymore.

You have never really been IN my life, so when I WOULD spend time with you; I would get angry. I would get angry because you have never been around, but then you always tried acting like “Dad of the year”; constantly trying to tell me how to run my life, telling me what I SHOULD and SHOULD NOT do. It was always impossible to express my feelings to you without you thinking I had an attitude, or I had no respect for you.

The problem you have is that you can never admit you are wrong, and that’s where we bashed heads the most. As I grew older and tried to have a relationship with you more; I grew my own set of beliefs. Most parents want their children to fight for what they believe in, or at least always stay true to themselves and always protect their beliefs; but not you. It was always your way or the highway. When I would try to express a belief of mine, you automatically thought I had not one ounce of respect for you. Our arguments have gotten ugly, very ugly. What I have taken out of every argument, time after time, is that you will never change. You have said and done hurtful things and never ONCE apologized for any of it. I found myself apologizing for your wrong doings as well as mine.

Unfortunately because of the non-existent relationship that I have with you, through much self-reflection; I have noticed that you have left an invisible scar on my body. This scar resembles the pain, the anger, and the resentment that I have carried with me with me because of you. I see myself not being able to have a solid relationship with people because of all the emotions that I hold in. I push people away in fear of them just up and leaving like you have countless times. I find myself heartbroken over someone who doesn’t even care.

I wish you would realize how much you have hurt me, and how I have to carry around the thought of you and what could have been with me for the rest of my life. I wish you could realize how much time that you have wasted being angry with me, arguing with me; when you could have been getting to know me, your first born. And if you’re reading this, I wish you would finally realize that you don’t get to decide if you have hurt me or not. I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, and this has become clear to me that this was meant to happen.