We went from having #Summer temperatures to having #Autumn weather. I have been enjoying it. I know that the hurricane bringing in the cooler weather will not last forever, and eventually it may go back into the 80s, but hopefully we can hang on a little longer.
Living in #Florida is interesting. We live in Central Florida where there are theme parks and lots of places to visit. It is a great vacation location in the world. My husband works in the theme parks, as do many others in my family. Mostly Universal. I used to work there too. I sometimes miss it.
I just want to embrace the holiday season as much as I can, without my focus being on #presents this year. The #Holiday season is always amazing. The special #seasonal drinks are always so good too.. the ones from Dunkin and Starbucks. It's exciting.
Ugh. I am all over the place right now. But this is what's running through my mind.
What do I do when I feel like a piece of me died with him? I miss my #Dad more than anything. I am #hesrtbroken and thinking about the days he and I went to #MagicKingdom together and all the #DisneyWorld magic that we had in our hearts. This lives on with me.
I miss you Dad..
To date, not one (1) single dr that I’ve stumbled upon in my eek 36 yrs of life have treated me properly. It’s either, “it will be $450 dollars to be told I’m untreatable” or “oh sorry we aren’t seeking new pts, once they learn of of diagnosis” “here’s a bunch of pills” Yes I live in Florida which is a hotbed for crooked drs who take advantage of their patients + insurance; I’ve been involved on both ends. So now that I’m looking for a legitimate dr, I’m unable to find one either bc the proper ones don’t take insurance or because of my personality disorder. I’m on the fence about medications for most likely the same reason a lot of ppl w BPD are, which is loss of personality or creativity + ultimately turning into a zombie. I hate the pharmaceutical industry, just as much as I do insurance industries. While I don’t believe I’ll be a zombie bc it’s false, I don’t want a dr to prescribe me something that will hand them a kickback lol Florida but the most important reason isn’t even meds, I desperately need to get on FMLA bc the toxicity within my workplace or to be more specific, my supervisor, has/had/is currently killing my mental health + robbing me of my free time + creativity more than (1) Rx would. So I guess when I’m trying to ask is if anyone knows of a dr in Florida, SoFlo(yes I hated that as I typed it out too) to be even more specific or even a legitimate *online* website where I can zoom with a psychiatrist, who specializes in BPD/DBT. If anyone is able to point me in the right direction, that would be fantastic and greatly appreciated 🥺 #Psychiatry #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Florida
Today is the first time the #Police were called on me for a #wellnesscheck . My husband had text my mother earlier in the day, and I even had let her know I was feeling emotionally sick and needed time away from things.
I felt suicidal, and my husband had sat with me and watched me and spent the whole day with me. I had no sharp objects, no phone to look at social media, no strings or wires or cords, ate with plastic fork and spoon on a paper plate, and followed all other protocols for at home care.
I made sure he followed me and sat right by the bathroom door when I had to go. I was not about to go to a facility that is in town that I had already reported to the state of #Florida for the conditions there. I now have been doing therapy trauma as a result of me being at that facility.
When someone like me feels suicidal to the degree that I have felt, it was more so a pull sensation, and often times would leave me to want to bang my fits on something or self harm because I was emotionally hurting so much. I have been down that road so many times.
I am not thinking those thoughts right now, nor do I feel that way anymore... But I am completely aware that I was triggered by recent events and that I have a very #serious problem. I talked with my husband about finding a retreat that offers therapy, yoga, nutrition classes, outdoor walks, and 24/7 care if I needed help. The mental health facilities in my area don't have spas or yoga or anything that can help treat a lower risk patient like myself.
My next #Therapy appointment is next week. And my doctor appointment is the same day. So I just want to make sure that I mention all of what has happened. I do not want to feel this way ever again... But with this disability #BipolarDepression I cannot guarantee that it will never throw me for a relapse.
The sad part is for me, which is also a good thing though is I am fully aware of what is right and wrong about what I am thinking when I feel that way.
Do you have any friendly advice?
I don't mind paying for the retreat, but I would like to find someplace to go where it is warm. Preferably here in the state of #Florida .
I had a wonderful time visiting #WaltDisneyWorld here in #Florida . I know how busy it can be visiting central Florida theme parks. Especially since I work in a #themepark It kind of wears you down. However, lately I have felt a bit of a buzz of energy. I don't know if it is the #Holidayseason or if it is #Hypomania .. but is welcomed.
I do feel stronger lately, despite having some serious #PMDD concerns. Prozac medicine makes you feel like you have some kind of a band-aid on whatever emotion you are feeling. It is so weird that I do not know entirely how to best describe it in words.
Have you ever taken #prozac before? If you have, let me know what it makes you feel.
Do you have any plans for this #Holidayseason ? If so, what are they?
I am really looking forward to whoever reads this and replies. ♡
As summer approaches in Florida, people around the country forget that we are already in Spring. Winter ended in January it seems. I have been thinking about summer and what it brings to me. Usually I experience severe stress because I do not enjoy the feeling of summertime. I look at what I am going through and wish I could have a pool and hop in for a swim.
So, I decided this year I would go to my mom's pool more often. The water, the sun, and the feeling of relaxation is key to embracing the Florida summer. I need to take a few picnic trips to the beach. This way I can feel a lot better about my environment. I am excited about the possibilities of what it means to be brave to venture out on my own.
I am also excited to be returning to work soon and getting off of medical disability. I don't know what will happen, but I know that everything is going to be OK. So, for summer this year, I hope that you have a wonderful time and enjoy yourself.