I finally worked up enough courage to speak to a doctor about my rapid weight gain. She quickly dismissed my concerns and just said it was my diet. After I spoke to her I read the notes as it was a video call. She called me obese and has an eating disorder in the same sentence. No compassion. No different wording... notta. Ok, I accepted that. I went to get my blood work. Week later got my results & spoke to the same doctor. I have an impaired fasting glucose. At risk for diabetes. I tell her that I’ve been eating the same and nothing has changed. Its something in my body. I speak to my psychiatrist. I mention I’ve been talking abilify for quite some time (4 years). IT causes weight gain & increased glucose. She decides to taper me off of it because its doing more harm than good. (The abilify was prescribed to me for my eating disorder voice).
This fog begins to lift from me. I don’t feel lethargic. I start cycling and walking. Then eating lower glycemic index carbs. The weight begins to drop. I don’t initially notice it. Until I’m 2 months in and people keep telling me I’ve lost weight. TERRIBLE idea guys... my eating disorder starts screaming. Cmon, cmon, just 5 ibs- uuuuhhh maybe 10 ibs. Then you’ll be ok. Honestly the endorphins from exercising I’m riding the high. People are reminding me that its always about looks. The inside never matter. In two months I lost a substantial amount. The thoughts are beyond intrusive. I’m going days without proper nutrition. I’m making myself sick & clearly I don’t care. I blame it on tapering off of another medication. The lies start coming out of my mouth without fail. I’m lying to myself again. Now, 2 months later my electrolytes are fucked. I’m having severe muscle cramping, spasms and for the first time bruising from my muscles contracting so badly. I’ve apparently been over hydrating - which is just as bad as being dehydrated because it causes me to lose a lot of Sodium. I reach out to my psychiatrist. I’m struggling I tell her. I can’t ground myself & its getting out of hand again. I can’t be put in hospital again for this. She tells me I should go back onto the abilify because of my ED voice. I totally get why she said that... BUT at what risk? To lessen the ED and health side effects. I JUST CAN’T WIN. I try to get my body back to its baseline and I gain a lot of weight. I stop taking it and I start restricting heavily. I honestly do not know anymore. Its so painful to have these thoughts all the fucking time. I’m super confused. I don’t know the right thing anymore especially when it comes to my own body 😢
#EatingDisorders #AnorexiaNervosa #BulimiaNervosa #LimboEmotions #Abilify #sad